Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes

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After a tiring day at work, a husband was able to sneak out an hour early. He just wanted to get home and lie down in bed next to his wife.
He gets home and slides into bed next to his sleeping wife. But then he hears a sound coming from underneath. He puts his hand under the bed, expecting to feel the wet nose or tongue of his dog Buddy. He asks, "Is that you, Buddy?"
His hand gets licked and then he hears, "Yes, it's me, Buddy."

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The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.

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A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away suddenly noticed that the man was slowing sliding down his chair and
Under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.
Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared. After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the
Table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't. My husband just walked in the door."

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My divorce finally came through.
The wife and I split the house.
I got the outside!

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There were three friends that always wanted to play golf every Saturday afternoon, but couldn’t because of their wives objections.
So one day after many years they finally got together on the golf course and were waiting at the first tee when one guy said, “I had to buy my wife a diamond necklace to get to play today!!!”
The second said, “That`s nothing I had to buy MY wife a new sports car to get out here today!!!”
The third said, “Boy you guys are a couple of wimps; I didn’t have to buy my wife anything!!!”
They both looked at him and asked how he managed that!
The smartest of the three said, “It was easy, when I got up this morning I looked her straight in the eye and asked, “Golf course or Inтеrсоursе?”
She threw me a sweater and said, “Take this; it might get chilly out there!”

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Some of my best friends are lеsвiаns. But one reason I can't be no lеsвiаn -- for example, you out on a date with your man, he start getting on your nerve, you can go to the bathroom. You can get away. But if your man is a woman, she'll follow your аss right in there.

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This is my second marriage, and I have a kid from my first marriage 'cause I like souvenirs.

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If a guy tells you that he's a jеrк, you should probably listen. 'Cause they tell you right off the bat, don't they girls? 'Listen, I'm a jеrк. I'm no good for you.' What happens to us? We turn into a little kid:
'La-la-la-la! I can't hear you!'

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Just remember, outside of that beautiful slim bride on her wedding day there’s a fат woman just waiting to get in.

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In the Bible, the King Boaz married the lovely Moabite woman, Ruth, to help unite his Kingdom. What was he before he did this?
Answer: He was "Ruthless"

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A virgin girl gets married to a guy who is renowned for being particularly well endowed. She’s a bit nervous about the wedding night and explains this to her new husband. Being sympathetic he works out a way around this-he’ll show her his diск bit by bit.
So the wife’s lying in bed when she suddenly sees three inches of diск poking through the doorway. “are you sure your not nervous yet?” Her husband asks . “no I’m ok” she replies.
Another six inches of diск promptly comes through the doorway. “are you still ok?”
“yes im still ok” she replies.
When another six inches appears in the doorway she says “I’m still not nervous”
Ok her husband replies “then I’m coming up the stairs now!”

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A husband and wife were at the mall when they got separated. The wife calls him on her cell phone. "Where are you?" she asks.
"Well, do you remember the store when we were first married and you were looking at a beautiful ring in the jewelry store window, but we could not afford it?"
"Yes", she replies, excited to think about what he was about to say, a tear forming in her eyes.
"Great, I am at the sports store right next to it."

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I was watching the New Avengers Assemble movie when my wife asked, “What superpower would you have if you could have any?”
“Invisibility,” I replied.
“I’m intrigued,” she went on. “What would you do if you were invisible?”
“Sit here and watch the TV in peace,” I replied.

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My wife asked me how I could love her and still enjoy watching роrn.
I told her, I love my car but I still watch Formula 1 too.

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A newly married sailor was informed by the Navy that he was going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the Pacific for a year.
A few weeks after he got there he began to miss his new wife, so he wrote her a letter.
“My love,” he wrote, “we are going to be apart for a very long time. Already I’m starting to miss you and there’s really not much to do here in the evenings. Besides that we’re constantly surrounded by young, attractive and nакеd native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not be tempted?”
So his wife sent him back a harmonica with a note saying, “Why don’t you learn to play this?”
Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his wife. “Darling…” he said, “I can’t wait to get you into bed so we can make passionate love!”
She kissed him and said, “First let me see you play that вlооdy harmonica.”

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Today someone told me that my wife was irreplaceable…
…I think a few роrnоs and a dishwasher might beg to differ.

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Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.

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I love when I leave work early to surprise my wife at home and she greets me with those three very special words… "Were you fired?"

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