Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes

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This is my second marriage, and I have a kid from my first marriage 'cause I like souvenirs.

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If a guy tells you that he's a jеrк, you should probably listen. 'Cause they tell you right off the bat, don't they girls? 'Listen, I'm a jеrк. I'm no good for you.' What happens to us? We turn into a little kid:
'La-la-la-la! I can't hear you!'

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Just remember, outside of that beautiful slim bride on her wedding day there’s a fат woman just waiting to get in.

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A virgin girl gets married to a guy who is renowned for being particularly well endowed. She’s a bit nervous about the wedding night and explains this to her new husband. Being sympathetic he works out a way around this-he’ll show her his diск bit by bit.
So the wife’s lying in bed when she suddenly sees three inches of diск poking through the doorway. “are you sure your not nervous yet?” Her husband asks . “no I’m ok” she replies.
Another six inches of diск promptly comes through the doorway. “are you still ok?”
“yes im still ok” she replies.
When another six inches appears in the doorway she says “I’m still not nervous”
Ok her husband replies “then I’m coming up the stairs now!”

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A husband and wife were at the mall when they got separated. The wife calls him on her cell phone. "Where are you?" she asks.
"Well, do you remember the store when we were first married and you were looking at a beautiful ring in the jewelry store window, but we could not afford it?"
"Yes", she replies, excited to think about what he was about to say, a tear forming in her eyes.
"Great, I am at the sports store right next to it."

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My wife wanted to try something different in bed last night.
So we had sеx.

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I was watching the New Avengers Assemble movie when my wife asked, “What superpower would you have if you could have any?”
“Invisibility,” I replied.
“I’m intrigued,” she went on. “What would you do if you were invisible?”
“Sit here and watch the TV in peace,” I replied.

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My wife asked me how I could love her and still enjoy watching роrn.
I told her, I love my car but I still watch Formula 1 too.

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A newly married sailor was informed by the Navy that he was going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the Pacific for a year.
A few weeks after he got there he began to miss his new wife, so he wrote her a letter.
“My love,” he wrote, “we are going to be apart for a very long time. Already I’m starting to miss you and there’s really not much to do here in the evenings. Besides that we’re constantly surrounded by young, attractive and nакеd native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not be tempted?”
So his wife sent him back a harmonica with a note saying, “Why don’t you learn to play this?”
Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his wife. “Darling…” he said, “I can’t wait to get you into bed so we can make passionate love!”
She kissed him and said, “First let me see you play that вlооdy harmonica.”

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Today someone told me that my wife was irreplaceable…
…I think a few роrnоs and a dishwasher might beg to differ.

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Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.

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I love when I leave work early to surprise my wife at home and she greets me with those three very special words… "Were you fired?"

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After my divorce hearing I turned to my newly ex-wife and said:
“Do you know what’s been the best thing since I left you, it’s-”
“Oh, I know. You’ve been out shаgging anything that moves!” she said. “Sowing your wild oats, getting your рriск into anything with a pulse. I know exactly what you’re all about, mister!”
“-it’s that I’ve actually been able to finish a fuскing sentence without being interrupted.”

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A guy walks home after buying a соск-suскing frog. He walks into the kitchen, where his wife is doing the dishes, and plonks it on the table.
“What the fuск am I supposed to do with that?” she screams.
“Teach it to cook and fсuк off,” he replies
.

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I went out with the one that wasn't 'the one' for five years. Get this, I wanted to break up with her after three months, but I didn't. You want to know why? Because I'm a рussy, that's why. I didn't want to hurt her. I just wanted to ruin my freaking life. What's five years when you think about it?

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I remember when I first started dating my wife, I got a hard-on just watching her eating a banana.
Now after ten years of marriage, I only get aroused if she starts choking on it.

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My wife was browsing in my computer when she suddenly stumbled upon something.
“What is this?” She asked. “There’s a movie file here- Star Wars XXX.”
“Believe me honey,” I said ” I was just as surprised as you were when I found out they made 30 of them.”

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Husband:
"Honey, why do you usually answer me back with a question when I ask you a question?"
Wife:
"Is that what I do?"

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