Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes

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I can’t believe my in-laws took sides when our marriage ended.
I mean, for fuск sake they visit her nearly every day and haven’t dropped in to see me once,
And my prison is on the way to her cemetery.

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Marriage scares me. There's a big difference between living with someone and just going out with her. You don't just see the person when she's at her best. You bear witness to the entire process. It can be very sobering. It's like eating a hamburger after you've watched the соw being slaughtered.

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My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth.

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Interracial dating is becoming more popular. I see people dating, man -- different cultures, different ethnic groups, different religions, man. 'Cause people looking for love! They ain't got time to wait for the colors to match.

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My wife told me I should stop talking to myself.
Stupid woman, I’m not even married.

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My mate got married yesterday.
I asked him what he wanted as a present and he said ‘any Apple product would be great’.
So I bought him a couple of tins of cider

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She admitted to me recently that when she first met me, she didn't really like me very much. But luckily for me, she really wanted to stay in this country.

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My wife walked out on me, telling me it was over.
I just sat there eating my popcorn, watching the end credits.

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Going to How to Train Your Dragon tomorrow…
Or marriage guidance counselling as the wife calls it.

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The missus said to me, “Our marriage has come to an end”.
I said, “Not possible, only good things come to an end”.

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One day Little Jonnie says to his father:
I want to get married.
Father: Oh, so do you have someone special in your mind?
Johnny: Yes... Grandma
Father: What? There is a problem now; you want to marry my Mother?
Johnny: Why not? You married my mother

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George and Mary were celebrating their 50th anniversary and were spending the night in the famous Washington DC Watergate Hotel. After retiring at midnight Mary recalled the spy story at the Watergate and asked her husband to get up and check the room.
Disgruntled he looked behind the mirror, the pictures, under the bed and finally under the big circular carpet in the center of the room under the chandelier. Mary exclaimed, "There, look, there is a big plate there, look under it."
Fortunately George had his Swiss Army knife and unscrewed the four large screws, finding nothing. Satisfied the room was not bugged they both went to sleep. Upon checkout the next morning the clerk asked them if they had any problems in their room last night. No, they replied and asked why he asked.
He told them that at midnight the room under them had the chandelier fall down in the center of their room.

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Far cry from when our parents got married, huh?... Probably the first time they had sеx was on their honeymoon. Boy, times have changed. Not only have I had sеx with my boyfriend, so have some of my girlfriends.

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The wife woke me up at three o’clock this morning..
“Baby.” She whispered. “Do you not love me anymore?”
I can’t believe she came all the way to mum’s just to ask me that.

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My wife asked me, “On a scale of one to ten, how much do you love me?”
I replied, “Well put it this way. On a scale of £500,000 to £5,000,000, how much is your car worth?”
“Oh, don’t be silly! My car isn’t worth that much!”
“My point exactly.”

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My wife and I were having a very hypothetical discussion... In the unlikely event that Hollywood made a movie based on our lives, we wondered what stars would play us.
"Who would you pick to portray you?" she asked me.
I thought about it for a minute, then answered, "George Clooney."
"In that case," she said,
"I’ll play myself."

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A guy was cutting the tail off his dog. His neighbor asked,
"What the hеll are you doing?"
“My mother-in-law is coming to visit and I don't want any sign of welcome" He replied.

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I completely agree with sеx before marriage.
How else would I know if my brother’s future wife was good enough for him?

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