Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes

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I managed to get 6 numbers on the lottery last week.
My wife asked me how much I was going to give her and I said, “£10.”
She complained, “You always told me that if you won the lottery you’d give me half!”
I replied, “Yeah I am, half of 6 numbers is 3 numbers, that’s a fuскing tenner.”

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For those of you wondering what it’s like to be married…
I just found out this morning I’m on day 3 of an argument I didn’t know I was having.

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My ex wrote to me: Can you delete my number? I responded: Who is this?

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I’m not the kind-of guy who objects to my wife having the last word.
I’d just wish to hеll she’d get to it !

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- ” ‘I am’ is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that ‘I do’ is the longest sentence? ” ~ George Carlin

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My wife and I, we still look at each other like we did the day we met -- like two perfect strangers who think they could do way better.

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It's Black Friday and mall is packed with shoppers and Frank can't find his wife. He goes up to a very attractive woman and says,
"Excuse me, can you help me? I cannot see my wife, and I know that she is here in the shopping mall somewhere. Can you just talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
The attractive woman replies,
"Why?"
Frank replies,
"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife materializes out of thin air."

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Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newly-wed couple wanted to join a church. The priest said, “We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sеx for two weeks.”
The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.
The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, “Were you able to abstain from sеx for the two weeks?”
The old man replied, “No problem at all, Priest.”
“Congratulations! Welcome to the church!” said the priest.
The priest went to the middle-aged couple and asked, “Well, were you able to abstain from sеx for the two weeks?” The middle-aged man replied, “The first week was not too bad.
The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yep we made it.”
“Congratulations! Welcome to the church,” said the priest.
The priest then went to the newly-wed couple and asked, “Well, were you able to abstain from sеx for two weeks?”
“No Pastor, we were not able to go without sеx for the two weeks,” the young man replied sadly.
“What happened?” inquired the priest.
“My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it” said the young man.
“When she веnт over to pick it up, I was overcome with lusт and took advantage of her right there.”
“You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church” stated the priest.
“We know,” said the young man. “We’re not welcome at the Supermarket anymore either

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Q. Whats wrong when your wife nags at you in the front room?
A. You made her chain too long.

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Divorce - Because every man deserves a second chance

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Me:
“What’s that smell?”
Wife:
“I can’t smell anything”
Me:
“Neither can I, get that fсuкing cooker on”

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My wife says SHE is the main breadwinner and I need to treat her like SHE is the man of the house…
So I divorced her and took the house.

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Mr. and Mrs. Smith were celebrating their silver anniversary with a big party, at which the center of attraction was a huge cake. “This cake was made by my wife’s fair hands,” said Mr. Smith proudly. “Every year on our anniversary she makes a cake, and I like to think of them as milestones on our journey through life ….”

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This is why Men shouldn’t answer questions.
Wife :
“What would U do if I died? Would U get married again?”
Husband :
“Definitely not!”
Wife :
“Why not? Don’t U like being married?”
Husb :
“Of course I do.”
Wife :
“Then why wouldn’t U remarry?”
Husb :
“Okay, okay, I’d get married again.”
Wife :
“U would?” (with a hurt look)
HUSB:(makes audible groan)
Wife :
“Would U live in our house?”
Husb :
“Sure, it’s a great house”
Wife :
“Would you sleep with her in our bed?”
Husb :
“Where else would we sleep?”
Wife :
“Would U let her drive my car?”
Husb :
- ”Probably, it is almost new.”
Wife :
“Would U replace my pictures with hers?”
Husb :
“That would seem like the proper thing to do.”
Wife :
“Would U give her my jewelry?”
Husb :
“No, I’m sure she’d want her own.”
Wife :
“Would she wear my shoes?”
Husb :
“No, she’s size 5.”
Wife :
- Silence -
Husb :
“Shiт”.

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I can’t believe my in-laws took sides when our marriage ended.
I mean, for fuск sake they visit her nearly every day and haven’t dropped in to see me once,
And my prison is on the way to her cemetery.

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Marriage scares me. There's a big difference between living with someone and just going out with her. You don't just see the person when she's at her best. You bear witness to the entire process. It can be very sobering. It's like eating a hamburger after you've watched the соw being slaughtered.

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My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth.

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Three girls died and were brought to the Gates of Heaven. Upon entering the gate, they were halted by St. Peter and his obedient angel.
St. Peter told the girls, “Before entering you must answer this simple question.”
“Which is …?”, they replied in unison.
“Have you been a good girl?”, he asked the first girl.
“Oh yes”, she said. “I was a virgin before I got married, and was still virgin even after I got married.”
“Very good”, said St. Peter. “Angel, give this girl… the golden key.”
“Have you been a good girl?”, he asked the second girl.
“Oh, quite good”, she said. “I was a virgin before I got married, but was not after I got married.”
“Very good”, said St. Peter. “Angel, give this girl… the silver key.”
“Have you been a good girl?”, he asked the third girl.
“Oh no, not at all”, she said. “I practically had sеx with every guy I met before and after I got married. Anywhere, anytime.”
“Very good”, said St. Peter. “Angel, give this girl… my room key.”

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