Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes
A couple walked into the supermarket. They looked confused, so a clerk walked up to them and asked them what they wanted.
The couple asked for a couple of lottery tickets. He gave the tickets to them, and they paid for them.
The husband looked confused again. He asked the clerk, What the hеll do I do with these dамn things?
The clerk replied, Well, you're supposed to scratch the box and see if you've won anything.
The wife looked disgusted. Oh please, she muttered.
What? asked the clerk. Oh nothing, she answered, it's just that, well, he's been scratching down there for years, and he ain't won a dамn thing.
Marge was cheating on her husband with another man when they heard a noise on the stairs.
"Oh, my God, your husband is home! What am I going to do?"
"Just stay in bed with me. He's probably so drunк, he's not going to notice you."
Sure enough, Marge's husband crawled into bed, but as he pulled up the covers, he exposed six feet.
"Honey!" he yelled. "What the hеll is going on? I see six feet at the end of the bed!"
"Dear, you're so drunк, you can't count. If you don't believe me, count them again."
The husband got out of bed and counted. "One, two, three, four. By dамn, you're right, dear."
An old couple celebrates their 50th wedding anniversary in a honeymoon suite. All night long, the bellboy hears laughing and clapping sounds from their room.
The next morning, he asks the old man how he can do it all night at his age.
The husband replies, "First, I remove my clothes. Then, I lie down on the bed face up. Then, my wife removes her clothes and lifts up my реnis with one hand, and we make a bet. If it falls to left when she lets go, I win; if it falls to right, she wins."
The веll boy asks, "Well, what if it doesn't fall?"
"Then we both win," says the old man.
The matchmaker approached a single woman and told her he had a husband for her.
“I’m ashamed to bring this up,” he said, “but the man wants to be sure you are compatible in bed. He wants, he says, a sample.”
The woman was shocked. “Such a thing you ask a Christian virtuous woman? Such a crude person would suggest such a thing? He must be a barnyard animal, not a gentleman.”
The matchmaker, trying to earn a fee, said, “He’s a pragmatic, man. After all, to him it’s not a big deal… just a sample.”
She thought a minute. “A pragmatic man, is he? So tell him I don’t give samples. I can give him 50 or 60 references, if he wants, though.