Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes

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My wife was diagnosed with multiple personality disorder…
And, just my luck, not one of them likes giving вlоw jobs.

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As I stepped out of the shower, I heard someone in my kitchen downstairs. Knowing that my wife was out, I grabbed my 1903 heirloom rifle-which no longer works-and crept downstairs, forgetting the fact that I was in my birthday suit.
I came around the corner with the gun raised, only to find my wife loading the dishwasher. “What are you doing?” she asked.
“I thought I heard an intruder.  I came down to scare him.”
Scanning the contours of my doughy, nакеd body, she mumbled, “You didn’t need the gun.”

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Mom: Son, why don’t you talk to Steven anymore? You used to be best friends!
Son: Well, would you talk to someone who is sтuрid, does drugs, and is an alcoholic?
Mom: Of course not!
Son: Well, neither would he.

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When I returned home from college for a break, I noticed a paper posted on the refrigerator. It listed some goals my dad had set for himself: Help wife more; lose weight; be more productive at work.
I promptly added:
"Send Michelle money every month."
A few days later my brother wrote:
"Make payments on car for Jason."
Then my boyfriend joined in with:
"Buy Tom a Jeep."
Finally my father added a new goal to his amended list:
"Wean kids."

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Of all my wife's relatives, the only ones I can stand to be around are her in-laws.

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Kathy was shopping in the mall with her two children and a display in the window of a lingerie store caught her eye.
"Do you think Daddy would like this?" she asked the kids, as she pointed to the lacy pajamas with matching robe.
"No way," four-year-old Rian replied. "Daddy would NEVER wear that!"

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Visiting a genealogist, a man asked how much it would cost to have his family tree traced. “It could cost thousands of dollars,” said the woman. “I see. Well, isn’t there an easier way? A less expensive way?” “Sure,” she replied. “Run for president.”

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Me: *sneaks out of the house* *drives to another state* *hides in a cave* *quietly opens a bag of сhiрs* My kids: Can we have some?

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A member of a diet club bemoaned her lack of will-power. She had made her family's favorite cake over the weekend, she explained, and they had eaten half of it. The next day, however, the uneaten half beckoned. She cut herself a slice. Then another, and another. By the time she had polished off the cake, she knew her husband would be disappointed.
"What did he say when he found out?" one club member asked.
"He never found out," she said. "I made another cake and ate half."

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A little girl says, “Daddy, I wish I had a little sister.”
Trying to be funny, the daddy says, “Honey, you do have a sister.”
“I do?” questions the confused youngster.
“Sure,” responds the dad. “You just don’t see her because when you are coming in the front door, she is always leaving through the back door.”
The little girl gave this a few moments thought and remarked,
“You mean like my other Daddy does?”

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Mom: Hi.
Son: I'm in a meeting.... BRB.
Mom: BRB means????
Son: Be Right back.
Mom: Okay, IAW.
Son: IAW?
Mom: I Am Waiting.
Son: That's not an abbreviation mom!
Mom: Why? Only you can make one? Who do you think you are? I can make one up too.

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A family went to a hospital, where one of their relatives would be having a brain transplant. One of the relatives asked,
"What will the cost of a new brain be?" The doctor replied, "A female brain costs $25,000 and a male brain costs $50,000." The men smirked, but one of the females asked,
"Why is that, doctor?"
"Well," the doctor replied,” the female brain is less because it has been used."

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A three year old, WIDE EYED, little girl, was on the phone, "I KID YOU NOT! This guy in a white dress or robe tries to drown me! He puts me under water and my family just stood there taking pictures."

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Lost your pen = no pen
No pen = no notes
No notes = no study
No study = fail school
Fail school = no diploma
No diploma = no work
No work = no money
No money = no food
No food = skinny
Skinny = ugly
Ugly = no love
No love = no marriage
No marriage = no children
No children = alone
Alone = depression Depression = sickness
Sickness = death Lesson: Don't ever loose your pen

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Grade school children were asked the question, "Why did your mom marry your dad?"
These are some responses:
1. She got too old to do anything else with him.
2. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
3. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world, and Mom eats a lot!

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A lady lost her handbag at the mall. An honest young lad found it and returned it to her.
Looking in her purse, she said,
"Hmm, that's funny. When I lost my bag, there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills."
The boy replied, "That IS funny. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."

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I am NOT overweight...
I am just not tall enough.

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Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond оrgаn, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a соndом! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said,
"I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the оrgаn, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."

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