Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes
Mr. Jones is traveling with his wife and mother-in-law in a far east country. At a place of honor his mother-in-law makes a careless remark, which the native people take as an insult to the royal family.
Mr. Jones is dragged off to court with his wife and mother-in-law and are sentenced to corporal punishment. Each of them are to receive 50 lashes on the rear end with a cane. But because the royal family doesn’t want to appear hostile to foreigners, they grant the guests in their country a wish beforehand, as long as it is able to be fulfilled.
Mrs. Jones is first.
“What do you wish for yourself?”
“I would like a pillow bound on my rear end before the lashings.”
“Okay, that shall be granted to you.”
Mrs. Jones has the pillow bound to her rear end and receives her punishment. But because the pillow is too small and the executioner also hits her back a couple of times, she receives a few blows.
Next it is Mr. Jones’ mother-in-law’s turn.
“What do you wish for yourself?”
“I would like a pillow bound on my rear end and a pillow bound on my back before the lashings.”
“Okay, that shall be granted to you.”
The mother-in-law receives her fifty lashes, but hardly feels the pain through the pillows.
Then comes Mr. Jones himself.
“What do you wish for yourself?”
“I have two wishes. Do you want to fulfill them for me?”
“Because you are a guest in our country, we want to fulfill your wishes for you, as long as they are reasonable.”
“I would like 100 lashes instead of 50.”
The executioner is surprised, but recovers again right away and replies, “Yes, that is a pious wish, it shall be granted to you. And what is your second wish?”
“I would like to have my mother-in-law bound to my back.”
A man is talking to his best friend about married life.
“You know,” he says, “I really trust my wife, and I think she has always been faithful to me. But there’s always that doubt.”
His friend says, “Yeah, I know what you mean.”
A couple of weeks later the man has to go out of town on business. Before he goes, he gets together with his friend.
“While I’m away, could you do me a favor? Could you watch my house and see if there is anything fishy going on? I mean, I trust my wife but there’s always that doubt.”
The friend agrees to help out, and the man leaves town.
Two weeks later he comes back and meets his friend.
“So did anything happen?”
“I have some bad news for you,” says the friend.
“The day after you left I saw a strange car pull up in front of your house. The horn honked and your wife ran out and got into the car and they drove away. Later, after dark, the car came back. I saw your wife and a strange man get out. They went into the house and I saw a light go on, so I ran over and looked in the window. Your wife was kissing the man. Then he took off his shirt. Then she took off her blouse. Then they turned off the light.”
“Then what happened?” says the man.
“I don’t know. It was too dark to see.”
“Fсuк! you see what I mean? There’s always that fсuкing doubt.”
As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, “Dad, look at this,” and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her fingers in my mouth and said, “Daddy gonna eat your fingers!” pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.
When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.
I said, “What’s wrong honey?”
“Daddy, where’s my bogey?”
Q: Whats the hardest part about eating a vegetable?
A: Putting her back in the wheelchair when your done…
Q: What would happen if you cut off your left side?
A: You would be all right.
Q: Why did Нiтlеr commit suicide?
A: He got the gas bill.
Q: What is a сrаск head’s favorite song?
A: I wanna rock!
Q: How do you get retards out of a tree?
A: Wave to them!
Q: What do you call a gangbanger behind bars?
A: Anything you want.
Q: Why did the boy fall off the swing?
A: He didn’t have any arms.
Q: Why are black men penises вiggеr than white men?
A: Because as kids white men had toys to play with!
Q: Why are most Guidos named Tony?
A: When they got on the boat to America they stamped To NY (Tony) on their foreheads.
Q: What is the difference between ooooooh and aaaaaaah?
A: About three inches.
Q: What’s worse than spiders on your piano?
A: Сrавs on your оrgаn.
Q: Why did the Mafia cross the road?
A: Forget about it.
Q: What did the blind man say when he passed the fish market?
A: Good morning ladies.
Q: Why are cowgirls bowlegged?
A: Cowboys like to eat with their hats on.
Q: What did the Alabama sheriff call the black guy who had been shot 15 times? A: Worst case of suicide he had ever seen.
Q: After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.”
A: She replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice.”
Q: Why are рuвiс Hairs so curly?
A: So they don’t poke her eye out.
Q: What has a whole bunch of little ваlls and screws old ladies?
A: A bingo machine.
Q: What did the sign on the door of the whоrеhоusе say?
A: Beat it, we’re closed.
Q: Why do men like big t*ts and a tight аss?
A: Because they’ve got big mouths and little diскs.
Q: Whats long hard and full of sеамеn?
A: A submarine
Q: Whats long, Hard and Erects stuff?
A: A Crane!
Q: What do you get if you cross a gаy мidgет with a vampire?
A: Соскsuскеr!
Q: Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a rетаrdеd baby?
A: They named him Sum Ting Wong.
Q: Name the five great kings that have brought happiness in to peoples lives A: Drinking Licking suскing fсuкing and wanking.
Q: What’s the difference between onions and prostitutes?
A: I cry when I cut up onions…
Q: What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control?
A: A trip without the kids!
Q: Whats the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?
A: The wheelchair!
Q: Who was the best Jewish cook?
A: Нiтlеr!
Q: What can turn a fruit into a vegetable?
A: AIDS!
Q: Why doesn’t Tom Cruise eat bananas?
A: He can’t find the zipper!
Q: What is the irritating part around a blonde’s рussy?
A: The other guys waiting their turn!
Q: How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A: It’s not hard.
Q: How do you know if you have an overbite?
A: If your eating рussy and it tastes like sh1t!
Q: If women with big t*ts work at Ноотеrs, where do women with only one leg work?
A: IHOP!
Q: When is an Elf not an Elf?
A: When she’s suскing your соск, then she’s a goblin.
Q. How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sеx?
A. Call her and tell her.
Q: What do Dale Earnhardt and Pink Floyd have in common?
A: Their last big hit was “The Wall”
Q: What is white at the top and black at the bottom? A
: Society!
Q: Have you heard the one about the lеsвiаn that took Viаgrа?
A: She couldn’t get her tongue back in her mouth for a month!
Q: Why don’t bunnies make noise when they have sеx?
A: Because they have cotton ваlls.
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
"What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."
"It was," sighed the Sister. "I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Сhrisт."
"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"
"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"
"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. :
"You must tell me all about it!"
"Well, we were on the fifth tee... and this hole is a monster, 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green... and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted... and it hits a bird in mid-flight!"
"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"
"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"
"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized the Mother.
"But I didn't, Mother!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!"
"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.
"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...
"You missed the putt, didn't you?"
For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules of dealing with women. At last this points guide will help you to understand just how it works.
AIM:
Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.
You don’t get any points for doing something she expects.
Sorry, that’s just the way the game’s played.
Here’s a guide to the points system:
SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed ………………………….+1
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets…..-1
You leave the toilet seat up………………..-5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty… 0
When the toilet paper has run out, you resort to Kleenex…-1
You go out to buy her extra-light раnтiе liners with wings…+5
in the snow……………………………….+8
but return with вееr……………………….-5
and no liners…………………………….-25
You check out a suspicious noise at night………0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing… 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something…+5
You smash it with a cricket bat……………….+10
It’s her cat……………………………..-40
AT THE PARTY
You stay by her side the entire evening……….. 0
You stay by her side for a bit, then go and chat with a mate from the pub…-2
Called Tiffany………………….-4
Who is a lap dancer…………….-10
With вrеаsт implants……………-18
HER BIRTHDAY
You remember her birthday…………………………. 0
You buy a card and flowers………………………… 0
You take her out to dinner………………………… 0
You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar….+1
Ok, it is a sports bar…………………………..-2
And it’s all-you-can-eat night…………………….-3
It’s a sports bar, its all-you-can-eat night, and your face is
painted the colours of your favourite team…-10
A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
Go with a mate………………………………… 0
The mate is happily married……………………..+1
The mate is single……………………………..-7
He drives a Ferrari……………………………-10
With a personalised license plate (GR8 NBED)……..-15
A NIGHT OUT WITH HER
You take her to a see a film……………………..+2
You take her to a see a film she likes…………….+4
You take her to a see a film you hate……………..+6
You take her to a see a film you like……………..-2
It’s called Death Cop III………………………..-3
Featuring Cyborgs that eat humans…………………-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans…-15
YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable рот belly……………….-15
You develop a noticeable рот belly & exercise to get rid of it…+10
You develop a noticeable рот belly and resort to loose jeans and
baggy shirts…-30
You say, “It doesn’t matter, you have one too.”……-800
THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, “Does this dress make me look fат?”
You hesitate in responding………………….-10
You reply, “Where?”………………………..-35
You reply, “No, I think it’s your аrsе”………-100
Any other response…………………………-20
COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem:
You listen, displaying a concerned expression………….0
You listen, for over 30 minutes……………………..+5
You relate to her problem and share a similar experience…. +50
You’re mind wanders to football and you suddenly hear her saying
“well, what do you think I should do?”………-100
You have fallen asleep………………………..-200
IT’S THAT TIME OF THE MONTH
You talk…………………………………..-100
You don’t talk……………………………..-150
You spend time with her……………………..-200
You don’t spend time with her………………..-500
You are seen to be enjoying yourself…..GAME OVER - YOU LOSE
Prince Charles was driving around his mother’s estate when he accidentally ran over her favorite dog, a Corgi, crushing it to a pulp.
He got out of his Range Rover and sat down on the grass totally distraught.
The whole world was against him and now his mother would go ballistic.
Suddenly he noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground.
He dug it up, polished it and immediately a Genie appeared.
“You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment, ” said the Genie”
As a reward I shall grant you one wish.”
“Well, ” said the Prince, “I have all the material things I need, but let me show you this dog.”
They walk over to the splattered remains of the dog.
“Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for me..?” the Prince asked.
The Genie carefully looked at the remains and shook his head.
“This body is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life.
Is there something else you would like..?”
The Prince thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two photos.
“I was married to this beautiful woman called Diana, ” said Prince Charles, showing the genie the first photo.
“But now I love this woman called Camilla, ” and he showed the genie the second photo.
“You see Camilla isn’t beautiful at all, so do you think you can make Camilla as beautiful as Diana..?”
The Genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes said, “Let’s have another look at that frickin’ dog”
A couple is celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary in a lovely restaurant. They were talking about how happy their marriage has been and still is.
The husband says, “We have been married for so long, 50 wonderful years, but there is something I have been meaning to ask you.”
“Yes, dear, anything you want,” replies the wife.
“Have you always been faithful? Come on, you can tell me; we have been married for so long nothing can change that.”
Shocked as she was she figured she owed him the truth.
“I have been unfaithful three times,” she says.
“Remember when you were going to lose the business and you desperately needed a loan, but none of the banks you went to gave you one. And then, on the weekend, one of the bank managers came to the house and gave it to you. Well that was the first time.”
“I am shocked, but also I love you dearly because you sacrificed yourself to save me from bankruptcy. What about the 2nd time?” he asks.
“The second time was when you had the heart attack and needed that special surgery. Remember the heart specialist flew in from Chicago?” she said.
“Again I am shocked but I love you even more because you did it for me. You are truly a magnificent woman. Tell me the third time.”
“Well, remember when you were running for mayor and you were 47 votes short….”
A poor man told his wife, I am sick and tired of being poor, I am going to work overseas. So, he took off to Africa. A few years later, he returned. As he approached his house he got stunned with the luxurious and rich look of the house. He knocked on the door, the servant opened.
“Is the housewife in?” he asked. The servant replied: “Just a moment.” The wife comes out: Wife: Wow, my man, all dressed up as a rich man after these years.
Husband: Guess what? I am rich.
Wife: How?
Husband: I went to Africa, found people walk with no underwear and sleep on sand, so I began to make and sell underwear and beds. Due to the high demand, I got rich fast.
Wife: A man, with all of your strength, had to go all the way to Africa, making beds and underwear, to get rich, and I am a little woman that stayed here, without underwear and on a single bed…and I got REAL rich.
A young man has spent five years traveling throughout the world making a documentary on native dances. He is nearing the end of his project and winds up in Australia in Alice Springs. He begins to talk to an Aborigine, who asks the researcher if he ever saw the "Butcher Dance."
"Butcher Dance? What's that?" he asks.
"What? You no see the Butcher Dance?"
"No, I've never heard of it."
Well, the Aborigine convinces the fellow that he must see the "Butcher Dance" to finish his project. Once convinced, the man gets excited about being able to experience this very famous dance. They begin their trek over the outback to a place where the Butcher Dance is observed. They follow a dirt track for 200 miles, walking for three days through creeks and valleys. It takes them another four days to get over the mountains. And all this time they, of course, are dragging their camera equipment and crew with them.
After seven long days of grueling travel, they finally reach the village of the Butcher Dance. They find the village chief and explain to him why they have travelled so far and say they are anxious to start filming this exotic dance.
Then the bad news hits them. The chief explains that the Butcher Dance Festival was the previous night. The chief adds, "Maybe you can see it the next time."
"Well, when will you hold the next dance?" the researcher asks.
"Not 'til next year."
"Couldn't you please hold it just one more time tonight so we could see it and film it for our documentary?"
"No," was the reply. "The Butcher Dance is very holy and is performed only once a year."
The man is devastated but has no other options then to wait until next year. So he decided to stay in the area and tried to make a go of it in the village, even though it is very difficult. He becomes ill, cannot find work, misses his family, but alas, he sticks it out.
A year passes and the day of reckoning comes the next festival of the Butcher Dance. The natives form a circle around a huge roaring fire. A deathly hush descends over the performers and some sort of witch doctor appears and begins the ritual. The researcher is getting caught up in the fervor of the event. Wow, he thinks, here I am, the first white man to see the famous Butcher Dance. He starts filming. The chief strides to his position in the circle and, in a big booming voice, starts to sing. He says, "You butch yer right arm in. You butch yer right arm out. You butch yer right arm in and you shake it all about!"
A man walks into a drug store with his 8 year old son. They happen to walk by the соndом display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"
The man, matter-of-factly, replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sеx."
"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of three and asks, "Why are there three in this package."
The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a pack of six and asks "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men," the dad answers. "Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy. "Then who uses these?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack.
With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March..."