Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes

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How did Barack Obama propose to Michelle Robinson?
He got down on one knee and said, "I don't wanna be Obama self.

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A young gаy man calls home and tells his Jewish mother that he has decided to go back into the closet because he has met a wonderful girl and they are going to be married. He tells his mother that he is sure she will be happier since he knows that his gаy lifestyle has been very disturbing to her. She responds that she is indeed delighted and asks tentatively, "I suppose it would be too much to hope that she would be Jewish?" He tells her that not only is the girl Jewish, but she’s from a wealthy Beverly Hills family. She admits she is overwhelmed by the news, and asks, "What is her name?" He answers, "Monica Lewinsky." There is a pause, then his mother asks, "What happened to that nice black boy you were dating last year?"

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At my 40th high school reunion a friend asked me, ‘Why didn’t we have a drug problem when we were growing up?’ …
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I replied that I had a drug problem when I was young: …
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I was drug to church on Sunday morning. …
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I was drug to church for weddings and funerals. ….
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I was drug to family reunions and community socials no matter the weather. ….
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I was drug by my ears when I was disrespectful to adults.
I was also drug to the woodshed when I disobeyed my parents, told a lie, brought home a bad report card, did not speak with respect, spoke ill of the teacher or the pastor.
I was drug to the kitchen sink to have my mouth washed out with soap if I uttered a profanity.
I was drug out to pull weeds in mom or grandma’s garden and flower beds.
Those drugs are still in my veins and they affect my behavior in everything I do, say, or think. They are stronger than сосаinе, сrаск, or hеrоin, and if today’s children had this kind of drug problem, the USA would be a better place.
God bless the parents who drugged us.

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My daughter asked if I could help her explain the concept of “modern math” to her youngest. I said sure, he just needs practical life experience and he’ll understand.

Just take him to the store, pass it a few times, then circle it once or twice before you pull into the parking lot.

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I had been seeing this girl for awhile and I thought I should take things further,
“Tell me,” I said to her, “do you believe in sеx after marriage?”

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I’m feeling a bit down. I have been for a while now. I have no family and very few, if any friends and admittedly have never been good at relationships (no one has ever stayed in my life long enough I suppose to show me how. ) So, as an adult, I feel like I fail at friendship. I can’t make or seem to keep a friend and especially more than one. No one ever thinks to invite me to go anywhere or do anything. I had no parents growing up, I was abused, both physically and verbally the majority of my life. At this point I have begged, yes begged people to be in my life. I feel like I’m the problem. I’m so lonely for friends that I’ve threatened to move and start over but realistically that’s impossible. I know you have to be a friend to have a friend but no one (locally) seems to want to fill that void. I’m tired of begging and I’ve felt like the plague for the last few years. I don’t know what to do. I’m so unhappy about my situation that I could and have cried. I can’t have children so I can’t have my very own family. I feel like my entire life is missing because I lack many of life’s greatest blessings. What do you suggest? Signed, feeling blue……………. answer I think you should join the Police

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A woman has sued a hospital stating that after recent treatment her husband had lost interest in sеx.
The hospital in their defense stated: All they did was correct his eyesight.

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My sister was busy getting ready to host our entire family for Easter. On her to-do list was a hair appointment for her daughter.

"So, Katie," said the stylist as the little girl got up in the chair, "who’s coming to your house this weekend with big ears and floppy feet?"

Katie replied, "I think it’s my Uncle Brian."

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Little Johnny comes downstairs crying.
His mother asked, "What’s the matter now?"
"Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with hammer," said little Johnny through his tears.
"That’s not so serious," soothed his mother.
"I know you are upset, but a big boy like you shouldn’t cry at something like that. Why didn’t you just laugh?"
"I did!" sobbed Johnny.

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Your family is so poor, you all Instagram the same plate of food.

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At a wedding party recently, someone yelled, "All the married men, please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living!" The bartender was crushed to death.

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T here is an Irish man getting ready to jump to his death from a bridge when a Priest walks past.
The man turns to the Priest and says, “Don’t try to stop me father, I’m going to jump.”
“Don’t jump.” says the Priest, “It can’t be that bad. Think of the life you have yet to live.”
“That’s one of the reasons I’m jumping” Says the Irish man.
“Well if that won’t stop you, think about your family.” says the Priest.
“That’s another reason.” says the Irish man.
“Well think about your job.” says the Priest.
“There’s another reason.” says the Irish man.
“Well if that won’t stop you think about St. Patrick.” says the Priest. “Who’s that?” asks the Irish man.
“Jump you Protestant ваsтаrd.” says the Priest.

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Раddy joins the suicide squad and is given a mission to infiltrate the enemy camp. His commander supplies him a lot of weapons and bombs stacked to his body and mobile for communications.
He lands up in the enemy camp and calls his Commander: Sir, there are 2 enemy soldiers, can I do it now ?
Commander : No, not for two, wait till you see more soldiers.
Paddy : Sir now there are 25 soldiers, can I do it now?
Commander : Wait for more.
Paddy : Sir, now I am in a midst of 100 soldiers, can I do it now?
Commander : Yes, go ahead, you will be a martyr, dont worry about your family, we will look after them.
Paddy pulls out his knife and stabs himself in his chest.

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I didn’t fаrт in front of my wife until we were married.
I don’t think the vicar was impressed.

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Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out, since they can't see each other signing.
After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution.
"Honey, why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sеx with me, reach over and squeeze my left вrеаsт one time. If you don't want to have sеx, reach over and squeeze my right вrеаsт two times."
"Great idea!" the husband signs to her.
Then he thinks about how to make up a signal for her. The "A-ha!" look flashes over his face.
"And if you want to have sеx with me," he replies, "reach over and pull on my оrgаn one time. If you don't want to have sеx, pull on my оrgаn two hundred and fifty times."

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Wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning:
"Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back:
"Pour some hot water around the edges and then gently tap it with hammer."

Wife texts back 5 minutes later:
"We now need a new computer."

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A man is introducing his family:
1. This is my wife….. Google Fernandes.. if u ask one question she would give many irrelevant answers …!!!
2. This is our son.. Facebook Fernandes .. he makes sure that our personal matters reach the entire neighborhood…!!!
3. This is our daughter …. Twitter Fernandes… whole neighborhood follows her…!!!
4. This is my mother .. Whatsapp Fernandes … she buzzes all day commenting on everything..!
5. And I am, Myspace Fernandes … I have become irrelevant…….!!!:

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Did you hear about the dentist & the manicurist who got married?

They fought tooth & nail.

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