Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes
A young man has spent five years traveling throughout the world making a documentary on native dances. He is nearing the end of his project and winds up in Australia in Alice Springs. He begins to talk to an Aborigine, who asks the researcher if he ever saw the "Butcher Dance."
"Butcher Dance? What's that?" he asks.
"What? You no see the Butcher Dance?"
"No, I've never heard of it."
Well, the Aborigine convinces the fellow that he must see the "Butcher Dance" to finish his project. Once convinced, the man gets excited about being able to experience this very famous dance. They begin their trek over the outback to a place where the Butcher Dance is observed. They follow a dirt track for 200 miles, walking for three days through creeks and valleys. It takes them another four days to get over the mountains. And all this time they, of course, are dragging their camera equipment and crew with them.
After seven long days of grueling travel, they finally reach the village of the Butcher Dance. They find the village chief and explain to him why they have travelled so far and say they are anxious to start filming this exotic dance.
Then the bad news hits them. The chief explains that the Butcher Dance Festival was the previous night. The chief adds, "Maybe you can see it the next time."
"Well, when will you hold the next dance?" the researcher asks.
"Not 'til next year."
"Couldn't you please hold it just one more time tonight so we could see it and film it for our documentary?"
"No," was the reply. "The Butcher Dance is very holy and is performed only once a year."
The man is devastated but has no other options then to wait until next year. So he decided to stay in the area and tried to make a go of it in the village, even though it is very difficult. He becomes ill, cannot find work, misses his family, but alas, he sticks it out.
A year passes and the day of reckoning comes the next festival of the Butcher Dance. The natives form a circle around a huge roaring fire. A deathly hush descends over the performers and some sort of witch doctor appears and begins the ritual. The researcher is getting caught up in the fervor of the event. Wow, he thinks, here I am, the first white man to see the famous Butcher Dance. He starts filming. The chief strides to his position in the circle and, in a big booming voice, starts to sing. He says, "You butch yer right arm in. You butch yer right arm out. You butch yer right arm in and you shake it all about!"
A man walks into a drug store with his 8 year old son. They happen to walk by the соndом display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"
The man, matter-of-factly, replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sеx."
"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of three and asks, "Why are there three in this package."
The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a pack of six and asks "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men," the dad answers. "Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy. "Then who uses these?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack.
With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March..."
At my 40th high school reunion a friend asked me, ‘Why didn’t we have a drug problem when we were growing up?’ …
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I replied that I had a drug problem when I was young: …
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I was drug to church on Sunday morning. …
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I was drug to church for weddings and funerals. ….
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I was drug to family reunions and community socials no matter the weather. ….
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I was drug by my ears when I was disrespectful to adults.
I was also drug to the woodshed when I disobeyed my parents, told a lie, brought home a bad report card, did not speak with respect, spoke ill of the teacher or the pastor.
I was drug to the kitchen sink to have my mouth washed out with soap if I uttered a profanity.
I was drug out to pull weeds in mom or grandma’s garden and flower beds.
Those drugs are still in my veins and they affect my behavior in everything I do, say, or think. They are stronger than сосаinе, сrаск, or hеrоin, and if today’s children had this kind of drug problem, the USA would be a better place.
God bless the parents who drugged us.
My wife and I have the secrets to making a marriage last…
Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays. I go Fridays.
We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Leeds, mine is in Brighton.
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
"Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” So I suggested, “How about the kitchen?”
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said “There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!”, so I bought her an electric chair.
My wife told me the car wasn’t running well, there was water in the carburettor. When I asked where the car was, she told me “In the lake.”
My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn’t lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now!
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off…
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, “Am I too late for the garbage?” The driver said, “No, jump in!”
Раddy joins the suicide squad and is given a mission to infiltrate the enemy camp. His commander supplies him a lot of weapons and bombs stacked to his body and mobile for communications.
He lands up in the enemy camp and calls his Commander: Sir, there are 2 enemy soldiers, can I do it now ?
Commander : No, not for two, wait till you see more soldiers.
Paddy : Sir now there are 25 soldiers, can I do it now?
Commander : Wait for more.
Paddy : Sir, now I am in a midst of 100 soldiers, can I do it now?
Commander : Yes, go ahead, you will be a martyr, dont worry about your family, we will look after them.
Paddy pulls out his knife and stabs himself in his chest.
Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out, since they can't see each other signing.
After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution.
"Honey, why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sеx with me, reach over and squeeze my left вrеаsт one time. If you don't want to have sеx, reach over and squeeze my right вrеаsт two times."
"Great idea!" the husband signs to her.
Then he thinks about how to make up a signal for her. The "A-ha!" look flashes over his face.
"And if you want to have sеx with me," he replies, "reach over and pull on my оrgаn one time. If you don't want to have sеx, pull on my оrgаn two hundred and fifty times."