Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes

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You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
“Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?”
“Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.”
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
“Husband Wanted”.
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
“You can have mine.”
When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.
A little boy asked his father,
“Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?”
Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”
A young son asked,
“Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?”
Dad replied, “That happens in every country, son.”
Then there was a woman who said,
“I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late.”
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say - talk in your sleep.
Just think, if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
First guy says, “My wife’s an angel!”
Second guy remarks, “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”
” A Woman’s Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man , to Love and to forgive him , and for patience, For his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I’ll just beat him to death “
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The North has sun-dried toe-mah-toes
The South has 'mater samiches The North has coffeehouses
The South has Waffle Houses The North has dating services
The South has family reunions The North has switchblade knives
The South has Lee Press-on Nails The North has double last names
The South has double first names The North has Ted Kennedy
The South has Jesse Helms The North has an ambulance
The South has an amalance The North has the Mafia
The South has NASCAR The North has Indy car races
The South has Swamp Buggy races The North has Cream of Wheat or Oatmeal
The South has grits The North has green salads
The South has collard greens and chitlins The North has lobsters
The South has crawdads The North has Distilleries, Breweries, and liquor stores
The South has stills, shine, and them ridgerunners The North has the rust belt
The South has the Bible Belt The North has Dan Quayle
The South has Bill Clinton 
The North has sun-dried toe-mah-toes
The South has 'mater samiches
The North has coffeehouses
The South has Waffle Houses
The North has dating services
The South has family reunions
The North has switchblade knives
The South has Lee Press-on Nails
The North has double last names
The South has double first names
The North has Ted Kennedy
The South has Jesse Helms
The North has an ambulance
The South has an amalance
The North has the Mafia
The South has NASCAR
The North has Indy car races
The South has Swamp Buggy races
The North has Cream of Wheat or Oatmeal
The South has grits
The North has green salads
The South has collard greens and chitlins
The North has lobsters
The South has crawdads
The North has Distilleries, Breweries, and liquor stores
The South has stills, shine, and them ridgerunners
The North has the rust belt
The South has the Bible Belt
The North has Dan Quayle
The South has Bill Clinton
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1. I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."
2. Health nuts are going to feel sтuрid someday, lying in hospital dying of nothing.
3. The other night I ate at a real family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
4. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they use to.
5. According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes, and woman say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.
6. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
7. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
8. Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs you $200 and a substantial tax cut saves you 35 cents?
9. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
10. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
11. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
12. You read about all these terrorists---most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now compare that to Blockbuster: you're two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.
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A man walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Dave."

"Who?"

"Dave Bronson. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Dave every single time."

"There are always a few clouds over everybody."

"Not Dave. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star."

"He was something, huh?"

"He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out."

"No wonder you remember him."

"Well, I never actually met Dave."

"Then how do you know so much about him?"

"I married his widow."
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Jim decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening Молода дружина каже чоловікові: — Тепер
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After Brian proposed to Jill, his father took him to one side. “Son, when I first got married to your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my pants. I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did. They were huge on her and she said that she couldn’t wear them because they were too large. I said to her, 'Of course they are too big for you, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' Ever since that day, son, we have never had a single problem." Brian took his dad’s advice and did the same thing to his wife on his wedding night. Then, Jill took off her раnтiеs and gave them to Brian. “Try these on,” she said. Brian went along with it and tried them on, but they were far too small. “What’s the point of this? I can’t get into your раnтiеs,” said Brian. “Exactly,” Jill replied, “and if you don’t change your attitude, you never will!”
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A n old man is lying on his deathbed with all his children, grandchildren and his older great-grandchildren all around, teary-eyed at the approaching finale of a very long and productive life. The old man in is a terminal coma, and the doctors have confirmed that the waiting will be over within the next twenty-four hours.
Suddenly, the old man opens his eyes and croaks: “I must be dreaming of heaven. I smell your grandmother’s chocolate cake.”
“No, grandfather, you are not dreaming” his eldest son tells him. Grandmother is baking a chocolate cake now.”
“I know I will never have another taste of her delicious chocolate cake after this one. Could you please go down and get me a sliver?” the old man begs with what is left of his final breath.
One of the grandchildren is immediately dispatched to honor the old man’s last request. After a long time, the boy returns empty-handed.
“Did you bring me one last piece of your grandmother’s delicious chocolate cake?” the old man plaintively queries.
“I’m very sorry, grandfather, but she says it’s for the funeral.”
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One cold December day, a French tourist in Scotland stopped at a farm cottage. He told the farmer's wife he was freezing to death, and was invited to come in and warm himself at the hearth. Once inside the house, he complained of being thirsty. The woman handed him an enormous white crockery mug filled with milk. After taking a big swig, the guest exclaimed, "This is sweet and fresh... you are most generous!"

She replied modestly, "It's nothing. My family wouldn't drink that milk because we found a dead rat in it."

Sick to his stomach, the Frenchman clapped both hands over his mouth, allowing the huge mug to fall to the floor and shatter on the stone floor. The Scotswoman grabbed her broom, raised it high in the air, brought it down on the visitor's head, and hollered, "Get out, you ungrateful pig! I take you in my home, I let you share my fire, I give you milk to drink... and now you repay my kindness by breaking the children's роттy chair!"
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