Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes
One cold December day, a French tourist in Scotland stopped at a farm cottage. He told the farmer's wife he was freezing to death, and was invited to come in and warm himself at the hearth. Once inside the house, he complained of being thirsty. The woman handed him an enormous white crockery mug filled with milk. After taking a big swig, the guest exclaimed, "This is sweet and fresh... you are most generous!"
She replied modestly, "It's nothing. My family wouldn't drink that milk because we found a dead rat in it."
Sick to his stomach, the Frenchman clapped both hands over his mouth, allowing the huge mug to fall to the floor and shatter on the stone floor. The Scotswoman grabbed her broom, raised it high in the air, brought it down on the visitor's head, and hollered, "Get out, you ungrateful pig! I take you in my home, I let you share my fire, I give you milk to drink... and now you repay my kindness by breaking the children's роттy chair!"
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the priest with an unusual offer:
"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows.
When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out."
He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.
On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom's vows, the priest looked the young man in the eye and said:
"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes, I do" then leaned toward the priest and hissed:
"I thought we had a deal."
The priest put a $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered:
"She made me a better offer."
One day, a young cowboy and cowgirl get married. He was a man of the world. She was innocent bride with no experience.
After the wedding they left for their honeymoon. While driving down the road, the new bride sees two cows having sεx. The new bride asks, “What are them cows up to honey?”
The husband, a bit flustered, answers, “Why can’t you see? Them cows, they’re roping!”
She replies, “Oh, I see!” After a few more hours of driving they pass two horses having sεx. Again the bride asks, “What are them horses doing honey?”
The husband answers again, “Them horses, they’re roping!”
She replies, “Oh, I see!”
Finally they arrive at their hotel. The couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they got in the bed, they start to explore each other’s bodies. Things are going along fine until the bride discovers her husband’s johnson. “Oh my!” she cries: “What is that?”
“Well, darlin'” he chuckles proudly: “That’s ma’ rope!”
She slides her hands down further and gasps, “Oh my goodness! What are those?” she asks.
“Honey, those’re my knots!” he answers.
Finally the couple begins to make love. After several minutes the bride says, “Stop honey, wait a minute!
Her husband, panting a little, asks: “What’s the matter honey, am I hurting you?”
“No,” the bride replies, “undo them dang knots, I need more rope!”
Ol' Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then suddenly died.
The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket. At the funeral, as he was finishing the eulogy, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died.
He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."
He opened the note, and read, "Please step to your left -- you're standing on my oxygen tube!"
A farmer had four female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another Farmer who owned four male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.
The farmers lived sixty miles apart. So they agreed to drive thirty miles each to a field in which the pigs could mate. The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 A.M., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle he had, and drove the thirty miles.
While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?" The other farmer replied, "If they're lying in the grass in the morning, they're pregnant. If they're in the mud, they're not."
The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the Station wagon again and proceeded to try again. This continued each morning for more than a week and the farmers were about worn out.
About two weeks later the farmer with the female pigs was too tired to get out of bed. He said to his wife, "Honey, please go look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."
"Neither," replied his wife...."they're all in the station wagon...and one of them is honking the horn.”