Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes

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Little Susie, a six-year-old, complained, "Mother, I've got a stomach ache." "That's because your stomach is empty," the mother replied. "You would feel better if you had something in it." That afternoon, her father came complaining that he had a severe headache all day. Susie perked up, "That's because it's empty," she said. "You'd feel better if you had something in it."

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A mother went to pick up her daughter from elementary school and found her doing handstands against the wall. When they got into the car, the mother said,
"Darling, I wish you wouldn't do that because the boys can see your раnтiеs."
"Okay, mommy," the little girl replied. The next day, the mother noticed her little girls hands looked dirтy, so she asked,
"You haven't been doing handstands again and letting those boys see your раnтiеs, have you?"
"Oh no, mummy," the daughter replied. "Honestly! I took them off first."

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A kid walks up to his mom and asks, "Mom, can I go bungee jumping?" The mom says "No, you were born from broken rubber and I don't want you to go out the same way!"

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An Amish husband, wife and son travel to the city on vacation. They visit a shopping mall and while the mother is shopping, the father and son are standing in awe in front of an elevator (having no idea what it is). As they watch, an elderly lady walks into the strange silver doors and the doors close. The father and son watch as the numbers go up, and then back down. When the doors open, a beautiful young woman walks out. The father leans over and whispers to the son, "Son, go get your mother!"

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What is white when it's dirтy and black when it's clean?
A chalkboard.

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A little girl is serving her father tea while her mother is out shopping. The mother comes home and the father says,
"Watch this!" The little girl goes and serves the mother tea. The mother responds, "Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"

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Раddy and Murphy are havin' a pint in the pub, when some scuba divers come on the TV. Раddy says,
"Murphy, why is it them deep sea divers always sit on the side of the boat with them air tanks on their backs, and fall backwards out of the boat?" Murphy thinks for a minute then says,
"That's easy. It's 'cos if they fell forwards, they'd still be in the friggin boat!"

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Son:
"Dad, when will I be old enough so I don't have to ask mom for her permission to go out?"
Dad:
"Son, even I haven't grown old enough to go out without her permission!"

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A man tells his wife, "Honey, your mom fell down the stairs 15 minutes ago." The wife yells at him, "Why are you just telling me now?" He said,
"Because I couldn't stop laughing."

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A man called his child's doctor, "Hello! My son just snatched my pen when I was writing and swallowed it. What should I do?" The doctor replied, "Until I can come over, write with another pen."

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A 7 year-old and a 4 year-old are in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 7 year-old, "I think it's time we started swearing. When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'll swear first, then you."
"Okay," replies the 4 year-old. In the kitchen, when the mother asks the 7 year-old what he wants for breakfast, he answers, "I'll have Coco Pops, вiтсh." *WHACK* He goes flying out of his chair, crying his eyes out. The mother looks at the 4 year-old & sternly asks, "And what do you want?"
"Dunno," he replies,
"But it won't be fuскing Coco Pops."

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A mom and a son come home from the grocery store. The boy immediately empties out a box of animal crackers and the mom asks him why. The boy says,
"You should not eat it if the seal is broken, so I'm looking for the seal."

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Three brothers wanted to give their blind mom a birthday gift. The first got her a big beautiful house. The second got her a brand new luxury vehicle with a driver. The third got her a talking parrot to keep her company. When they all got together, they wanted to know which gift she liked best. She said they were all great but she thanked her third son because she liked the chicken dinner best.

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A doctor tells an old couple at his office he needs to get a stool sample, a urinе sample, and a blood test from the old man. Hard of hearing, the old man asks his wife what the doctor said. The wife replies,
"He needs a pair of your underwear."

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Why didn’t the melons get married?
Because they cantaloupe.

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Have you heard the story of the magic sandwich? Never mind, it's just a bunch of bologna.

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Why shouldn't you give Elsa a balloon?
Because she'll let it go!

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I don't really like watching basketball, I just watch it to find out who the next member of the Kardashian family will be.

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