Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes

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A boy went home from school. His homework was to put down the things his family said.
So he goes to his mother who was talking on the phone. The boy asked "Mum, can you help me do my homework? The mother says "Shut up!" And goes back talking on the phone. The boy wrote that down.
He then went to his father watching a football commercial saying "Неll yeah!"
So the boy wrote that down.
The boy went to his little sister and his sister said "Lollipop, Lollipop"
So the boy wrote that down.
The boy went to his little brother and the brother said "DUNDUNUNUNUN, BATMAN!"
So the boy wrote that down.
The next day, the boy went to school and the teacher said "So what are the words?"
The boy said "Shut up!"
The teacher, shocked, calmly said " Do you want to go to the principal's office?"
The boy said "Неll yeah!"
So at the principal's office, the principal said "What do you think you deserve in this situation?"
The boy said "Lollipop lollipop!"
The principal yelled "Who do you think you are?!"
And the boy said " DUNUNUNUNU, BATMAN!"

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What did the веаvеr say to the tree?
"It's been nice gnawing you!"

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TEACHER: I shot Five Birds, Two of them are dead. how many are left??
STUDENT: None. The others flew away bcoz of the sound of the gun.
TEACHER: No, It's a Math problem.. but I like your Style..
STUDENT: So, I have a question for you teacher... Three women were eating ice cream. One of them is Licking it. The other one, Suскing it and the Last one, Biting it.. Which one is Married??
TEACHER: The Suскing One.
STUDENT: No, The one with the ring on her finger, But I like your Style...

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"Johnny, why did you kick your brother in the stomach?" exclaimed the angry mother. “It was pure accident, Mama. He turned around.”

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Why did the runner stop listing to music?
Because she broke too many records.

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A kid asks his dad, "What's a man?" The dad says,
"A man is someone who is responsible and cares for their family." The kid says,
"I hope one day I can be a man just like mom!"

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Q. What did the pop star do when he locked himself out?
A. He sang until he found the right key!

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A teacher asks, "What's the difference between a problem and a challenge?" A student repsonds, "3 boys + 1 girl = problem. 1 boy + 3 girls = challenge."

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A boy was going through his grandmother's wallet one night and found her ID card. "Grandma?" he asked,"How much do you weigh?" His grandmother replied, "That's not an appropriate question, Jimmy" He then asked,
"How old are you?" She again replied, "That's not appropriate, Jimmy." Finally he asked,
"Grandma, why did grandpa leave you?" Before she had time to answer, Jimmy looked at the card and said,
"Oh I see, it's because you got an 'F' in sеx."

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Traveling through the country, an old couple drives into a gas station. The attendant asks the old man,
"Where you folks from? I know everybody in this town." The old man says,
"We're from Nebraska."
Hard of hearing, the old lady nudges her husband, "What did he say, papa?"
The old man answers her, "He asked us where we are from."
"Oh," replies the old woman. The old man tells the attendant to fill up the tank and check the tires. When that's all done, the attendant tells the old man, "You know, the worst piece of аss I ever had was from Nebraska."
The old lady nudges her husband once more and asks, "What did he say, papa?"
The husband replies,
"He thinks he knows you, mama."

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When I was young, I used to eat a lot because my parents told me that fат kids are harder to kidnap.

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What do you call the child of parents from Iceland and Cuba?
An ice cube.

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A married couple, Harry and Esther, are out shopping one morning when Esther says,
"Darling, it's my mother's birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy for her? She said she would like something electric." Harry replies,
"How about a chair?"

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Q. What's an astronaut's favorite social media website?
A. MySpace

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"Doctor, my nose is 11 inches long!"
"Come back when it grows into a foot!"

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A fourth grade teacher asks the class, "Have any of you ever saved somebody's life?" A little boy raises his hand, "Yes, my little nephew's." "Wow, what a little hero you are! How did you do that, sweetie?" asks the teacher. The little guy replies,
"I hid my sister's birth control pills!"

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Ben:
"Dad, there is a hole in my shoe."
Dad:
"Yes, Ben, that's where you put your foot."

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An old man and his wife went to the doctor for a check-up. While the man is with the doctor, the doctor asks him, "So how has life been treating you?" The old man replies,
"The Lord's been good to me. Every night when I go to the bathroom, he turns the light on and when I'm finished, he turns the light off." While the old woman is with the doctor, the doctor told her what her husband said. She replied, "Dамn it! The old fаrт's been рissing in the ice box again!"

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