Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes

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A blonde man marries his girlfriend who is also blonde. It's their first honeymoon night and the man doesn't quite know what to do. He calls his dad, who says,
"Son, you take the hardest thing you got and you put it where she goes to the bathroom." The newlywed thanks his father, hangs up the phone, and places his bowling ball in the toilet.

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I'm tired of my grandma! Whenever someone's wedding comes up, she says,
"Next is your turn." So I've decided when someone dies I'm going to say, "Next is your turn, grandma."

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Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.

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How do you make antifreeze?
You steal her pajamas.

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Two cannibals, a father and son, are walking down the street, when they notice a hot girl passing by. The son says to the father, "Daddy, I'm hungry, let’s eat that girl that just passed by." The father replies,
"I've got a better idea son, let’s take this one home and eat your mother instead!"

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I went to my sisters house and saw her packing a suitcase. I asked,
"What's going on?" She said,
"I'm feeling homesick." I suggested, "But you're at your home now." She replied, "I know. I'm sick of it!"

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An uneducated father with his educated son went for a camping
They set up a tent and slept
Father gets up after sometime and asks his son"what can you see in the sky?"
Son:i can see many stars
Father:what does it resemble?
Son:there are many planets
Father beats on his sons head and says "Someone has stolen our tent"

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Kid: Will you remember me tomorrow?
Parent: yes
Kid: Will you remember me next week?
Parent: Yes
Kid: Will you remember me next month?
Parent: Yes
Kid: Will you remember me next year?
Parent: Yes
Kid: knock knock
Parent: Who's there?
Kid: See you forgot me already, how could you do this to me!

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Two men are talking and one says to the other, “My wife’s doctor says she has menopause, and, man, has she been moody lately. How long do the symptoms of menopause usually last?” The other man replies, “Let me put it this way: menopause will be listed as the cause on your death certificate.”

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Why Did The Pirates Go To The Movies?
Because It Was Rated Rrrrr...

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A child asks, "Mommy, does God use our bathroom?" The mother replies,
"No darling. Why do you ask?" The child says,
"Because every morning daddy bangs on the door and shouts, 'Oh God, are you still in there?'"

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My mom drinks Diet Coke despite knowing full well of the repercussions to her health. You might say she's a sodamasochist.

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My friend came up to me at work looking depressed. I asked him what was wrong. He said,
"I think I had sеx with my third cousin." I replied, "If you're that worried about it, quit counting them!"

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Cannibal #1:
"I can't stand my mother-in-law."
Cannibal #2:
"Why don't you just eat the vegetables?"

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When you are married, nobody asks about your sеx life. They know that you don't have one!

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This guys is marrying a girl named Wendy. On his реnis he gets her name tatooed to his реnis, when he is hard it says Wendy, when he is soft it says WY.
For their honeymoon they go to a nudе beach in Jamaica. The guy walks up to a bar and notices that the black bartender has WY on his реnis at well. He asks the black bartender, "hey, you musta married a girl named Wendy too?" and the black bartender says "no, mine says WelcomeToJamaicaHaveANiceDay"

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What family tradition did Robert Kardashian start when he helped get O. J. Simpson acquitted?
Kardashians getting black men off!

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How do you make a plumber cry? Кill his family

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