Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes

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An old man and his wife went to the doctor for a check-up. While the man is with the doctor, the doctor asks him, "So how has life been treating you?" The old man replies,
"The Lord's been good to me. Every night when I go to the bathroom, he turns the light on and when I'm finished, he turns the light off." While the old woman is with the doctor, the doctor told her what her husband said. She replied, "Dамn it! The old fаrт's been рissing in the ice box again!"

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Two antennas got married. The marriage was horrible, but the service was great.

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"Mom, does God go to the bathroom?" a son asked. The mom replied, "No son, why?" The son said,
"Well every morning Dad goes to the bathroom and pounds on the door and shouts, 'Oh God! Are you still in there?!?!' "

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Growing up, my parents never grounded me unless they were really really mad. I can remember the first time they caught me drinking under age. Mom freaked out and grounded me for a month, but I guess that was a reasonable response for a parent of a second grader.

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Why did the ink pots cry?
Their mother was in the pen doing a long sentence.

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Coach:
"Why are you late for the game?"
Caterpillar:
"I had to put my shoes on."

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I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

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A father is having dinner with his son and says,
"Son tell me a lie," and the son says,
"Dad."

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Q. Why do anime fans listen to the radio in the morning?
A. Because they enjoy car toons!

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Mom said joe can i have a shower with you tonight? yes honey but don't look up!
When they got in the shower joe looked up and asked what is that mum? mom said
It is Tokyo!the next day the same thing happened but this time he asked his dad
When they took a shower he looked up and asked what is that? it is a huge dinosaur! that night he asked both his parents can i sleep with you tonight? sure they said so they all hopped in bed and joe looked under the covers and said OH NO THE DINOSAUR IS ATTACKING TOKYO!

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The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.

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Your family tree must be a cactus, because everyone in it is a рriск.

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Two mental patients were walking next to a swimming pool. One jumped into the pool and the other jumped in to save him. Their doctor saw the rescue and called the rescuer to his office. "Due to your actions, it appears your mental state is fine," the doctor said to the patient, "You can go home to your family, but before you do, you should know that the person you saved hung himself today." The patient replied, "He didn't hang himself; I hung him there to dry."

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Why do married men gain weight and bachelors don’t? The bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed. Married guys go to bed, see nothing they want, then go to the refrigerator.

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What do marriage and a tornado have in common? In the beginning there's a lot of blowing and suскing, and in the end someone loses a house.

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A lady noticed her friend was wearing her wedding ring on the wrong finger so she asked,
"Why are you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" Her friend replied, "Because I married the wrong man!"

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A man admitted he lied on his income tax return: he listed himself as the head of the household!

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A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart аss guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
"What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sеxuаl exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

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