Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes

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There's a young man at the bar frustrated. Him and his wife got into a fight and she kicked him out. He see's an old man at the bar happy as ever, but notices a ring on his finger. He asks " How long have you been married?" Old man says "65 years, and im still happy as ever"
"How?" Asks the young man. The old man then says " Well one day my wife and I way back were walking with our donkey to go get some water from the well. On our way back the donkey falls and spills some water. I said "Donkey thats one." It falls again later and I said "Now dаммiт thats two!" It falls yet again and spills all the water. So I pulled out my gun and shot it in the heard and killed it. My wife then yelled " Now why in the hеll did you do that?!" I looked at her and said "Woman now thats one".

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“Two Texas farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at the bar, drinking вееr. Jim turns to Bob and says,
"You know, I'm tired of going through life without a proper education. I think I'll just march down to the community college and sign up for some classes right now."
Jim does just that. He walks down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.
Jim: Logic? What in tarnation is logic?
Dean: I'll give you an example! Do you own a wееd whacker?
Jim: Well, yeah.
Dean: Then, logically speaking, because you own a wееd whacker, I presume you have a yard.
Jim: That's true, I do have a yard. That's mighty impressive!
Dean: I'm not done. Because you have a yard, I think that, logically speaking, you have a house.
Jim: Well I'll be darned if I don't!
Dean: And because you have a house, I think that, logically, you probably have a family.
Jim: Yeah, I do!
Dean: So, because you have a family, then, logically, you must have a wife. And because you...
Jim: That's amazing! You figured that I have a wife because I have a wееd whacker!?"
Jim goes runnin' straight back to Bob at the bar and says,
"Look what I just learned!" Bob... do you happen to have a wееd whacker?
"Nope, I don't think I do", said Bob.
Jim exclaims with pride, "Then, logically speaking..." He pauses to think, frowns, then slaps Bob in the back of the head and yells,
"You piece o' dirt! I told you never to leave her!"

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For some time, many of us have wondered who is Jack Sh*t? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says,
"You dont know Jack Sh*t." Well, thanks to my efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way. Jack Sh*t is the only son of Awe Sh*t, who married O Sh*t, the owners of Knee Deep 'N Sh*t, Inc. In turn, Jack Sh*t married No Sh*t. The couple had six children, Holy Sh*t, Giva Sh*t, Fulla Sh*t, Bull Sh*t, and the twins Deep Sh*t and Dip Sh*t. Deep Sh*t married Dumb Sh*t, a high school dropout. After 15 years, Jack and Noe Sh*t got divorced, and she married Ted Sherlock and became Noe Sh*t Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Sh*t married Lotta Sh*t and had a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Sh*t. Fulla Sh*t and Giva Sh*t married the Happens brothers, and had a double wedding. The newspaper invited everyone to the Sh*t-Happens wedding. Bull Sh*t traveled the world and returned home with an Italian bride, Pisa Sh*t. So from now on, no one can tell you that you don't know Jack Sh*t!

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I never realized as I was growing up that our family didn't have much money. I thought all the girls wore full length pants in second grade and returned from summer wearing the same pants, but now we were calling them capris!

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Gаy marriage and straight marriage are like Вrа's and Bikini Tops... Really the same, but one is acceptable in public.

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Rosa: What's long and black?
Zoey: I don't know, what?
Rosa: The line at KCF. Lmao
Zoey: Lмао. You shouldn't make fun of black people because they're on my family tree and still hanging there.
Both: LMAOOOO(:

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- ”Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
"Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family's been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!"

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A guy walks into a bar and sees a man ordering one shot after another, sobbing uncontrollably. He goes over and asks what the matter is. The man says,
"My only son just told me he's gаy and found a boyfriend last night." The guy just says,
"Gee, I'm really sorry to hear that man."
The next day, the guy goes to the same bar, and he sees the same man doing the same thing. Again, he goes over and asks what the matter is. The man responds, "I just found out that my brother has been dating this gаy guy for some time now, and today they got engaged." The guy just says "Gee, I'm really sorry to hear that, man."
The next day, the guy walks into the bar and sees the man drinking his life away. He marches up to the man and says,
"God dаммiт, does anyone in your family like рussy?" The man says,
"Apparently my wife does!"

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Teacher: As you all know, tomorrow is the final exam. Other than being hospitalization or a death in your family, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here.
Student: What about extreme and utter sеxuаl exhaustion?
Teacher: Well, you'll have to write your test with your other hand.

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Teacher:Why didn't you do your homework?
Student: I was busy last night.
Teacher: What were you doing?
Student: Well I had soccer practice until 7:30, then i had to eat dinner with my family. I then went to bed.
Popular kid: So you went to bed early! BABY, BABY!
Student: Well, I didn't go to bed by myself.

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“So”, thundered Larry’s furious father, “you’ve been expelled from college, have you?
“Yes, Dad. I am a fugitive from a brain gang.”

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"Dad, where did I come from?" asks this 10-years-old. The father was shocked that a 10 year old would be asking a question like that. He was hoping to wait a few more years before he would have to explain the facts of life, but he figured it was better a few years early than a few days too late, so, for the next two hours he explained every thing to his son. When he got finished, he asked his son what prompted his question to which his son replied, "I was talking to the new kid across the street and he said he came from Ohio, so I was just wondering where I came from."

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I think the holidays are important because that's when you go home and do some alcoholic drinking and compulsive overeating with your dysfunctional families.

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A husband walks into Victoria’s Secret Store to purchase a negligee for his wife.
He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price - the more sheer, the higher the price.
Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife thinks (she’s no duммy), ‘I have an idea, it’s so sheer that it might as well be nothing.
I won’t put it on, but I’ll do the modeling nакеd, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refunded for myself.
‘ She appears nакеd on the balcony and strikes a pose and another, then another…..
The husband says, ‘Good Grief! “You’d think for $500, they’d at least iron it!’
He never heard the shot.
Funeral on Thursday at Noon.

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My wife installed a mirror over our bed. She said she likes to watch herself laugh.

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One day a man was driving down the road in his truck. His wife was sitting next to him and he had his arm around her shoulders. A police officer pulled him over because the man did not have both hands on the steering wheel. He received a ticket for unsafe driving but the man felt it was unjust. Hence, he appeared in court to try and fight the ticket. When the Judge asked him why he was not using both hands, the man replied, "Well, your Honor, I needed one hand to drive with." After the Judge composed himself, he dismissed the ticket.

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How does a teenage schoolboy propose marriage?
Your having a what!?!

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It's dinner time. Mom tell her 4 year old son to give a call to his dad to get home early for dinner together.
Mom:
"Son, please give your father a call and tell him to come back early, we'll having dinner together"
Son:
"Yes ,mom."
A moment later... Dialing...
Son:
" Mom... Someone had pick up the call... But..."
Mom:
"But what?"
Son:
"It sounds like a..."
Mom:
"Any problem with that?"
Son:
"No mom..."
Mom:
"So?"
Son:
"Hmm..."
Mom:
"Make sure tell your dad to come back early..."
Son:
"Yeah... But... That's not dad, is... A women's voice..."
Mom:
"What!!!"
His mom getting angry with this... Soon,daddy went home.
Dad:
"Hey darling,I'm back..."
Mom(angry):
"Make sure to clean yourself first! Don't try to lie in this family!!!"
Dad:
"Hey??? What I've done....?"
They argue for a long time... Dad goes straight to his room and mom sits on the sofa.
After a while...
Son:
"Mom, please don't angry..."
Mom:
"Your father betrayed us, he had another women... (mom crying)
Son:
"Don't cry mom, father won't leave us and the women told me to try later..."
Mom:
"Gosh!!! what else she told you?"
Son: She told me that, "The number you've dial is out of coverage, please try later."

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