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Money jokes

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Why are men like bank accounts?
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest!
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A French monk wrote a manifesto stating that every woman would agree to sell her body for money.
The manifesto was read by the Queen of France and she invited the monk for a chat.
So, you're stating that every women would agree to sell herself?
Yes.
Me too?
Of course.
And how much do you think I would cost?
500 francs.
What?! Only 500 francs?!
Here you go - you've already started to negotiate.
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An eminent doctor successfully attended a sick child.
A few days later, the grateful mother called on the physician.
After expressing her realization of the fact that his services had been of a sort that could not be fully paid for, she continued:
"But I hope you will accept as a token from me this purse which I myself have embroidered."
The physician replied very coldly to the effect that the fees of the physician must be paid in money, not merely in gratitude, and he added: "Presents maintain friendship: they do not maintain a family."
"What is your fee?" the woman inquired.
"Two hundred dollars," was the answer.
The woman opened the purse, and took from it five $100 bills.
She put back three, handed two to the discomfited physician, then took her departure.
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A man was relaxing with his evening paper, when there was a knock on the door.
He opened it, and saw nobody, so he closed the door and went back to his paper.
There was another knock, so he opened the door again.
This time, he looked down and saw a small snail.
"Mister, could you spare some change?" the snail said.
The man picked up the snail, threw him into the bushes, and went back to reading.
A year later, there was another knock at the door. It was the snail.
"What'd you do that for?"
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I asked the boss if I could get a raise, and he said:
"Because of the fluctuational predisposition of your position's productive capacity as juxtaposed to the industry standards, it would be monetarily injudicious to advocate an increment."
I said, "I don't get it."
He said, "That's right."
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An FBI agent was interviewing a bank teller after the bank had been robbed 3 times by the same bandit:
"Did you notice anything special about the man?" asks the agent.
"Yes," replied the teller. "He was better dressed each time."
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A doctor had been attending a rich old man for some time, but it became apparent that the old chap had not long to live.
Accordingly, the doctor advised his wealthy patient to put his affairs in order.
"Oh yes, I've done that," said the old gentleman.
"I've only got to make a will.
And do you know what I'm going to do with all my money?
I'm going to leave it to the doctor who saves my life."
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One day a blonde and a redhead were playing together over the redhead's house while the redhead's father was out.
The father had a pet parrot, which he did n
ot let anyone else touch.
But, when he left, the girls took him out.
The girls were playing with it, when the blonde grabbed the parrot and accidentally ripped out one of its wings.
“Now you've done it!” the red head yelled at the blonde.
“Go buy him another one just like that, here's some money.”
The redhead went into her piggy bank and gave the blonde $50.
“Okay,” said the blonde, “but it's going to hard to find a parrot with only one wing.”
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A man goes to a jewelry store looking to buy a watch.
He looks at a watch called "the George Bush Watch" and asks the sales clerk why there are no hands.
The sales clerk says "you are suppose to read his lips."
He then looks at a watch called the "Ross Perot Watch" and notices that it isn’t running – the sales clerk tells him "it runs, it doesn’t run, it runs, it doesn’t run..."
He then notices a watch called the "Bill Clinton Watch" and sees that it runs, has hands and looks like a pretty good watch.
He asks the sales clerk how much.
The sales clerk replies "$19.95 plus tax, plus tax, plus tax, plus tax, plus tax..."
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A guy went to a casino and lost all 10 000$.
Swearing for the situation he goes to a taxi driver and asks:
I have lost all my money, please give me a ride back home for free.
Fuck off, no money, no ride.
The next day the guys come to casino again and this time he successfully won all the money back and 10 000$ extra.
Hi goes out of the casino happily and sees five taxis, and the last car is the one, which refused to give a ride for free yesterday.
He goes to the first taxi and says:
Will you take me home for 100$
Sure!
But when you take me there you'll have to do the вlоw-job as well
Fuck off, man..
The guys goes to all next three cars and the story repeats.
Finally he goes to the last taxi driver, who refused to help a day ago, and says:
Will you take me home for 100$?
Sure!
Deal, but you have to pass through those other four taxi drivers very, very slowly.
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Why don't black people pay rent?
Because jail is free.
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Сурово Η νεράιδα Мъж и жена празнуват 35-годишнина от сватбата в ресторант. Появила се фея и казала: Една фея казала на двама съпрузи: A husband and wife in their sixties were coming up on their 40th wedding anniversary. Ein 60jähriges Ehepaar sitzt beim Frühstück Um casal comemorava as bodas de prata e também os seus 60 anos de idade. De repente apareceu uma fada e disse: — Como prêmio por terem sido um casal exemplar durante 25 anos Married couples Ett gift par i 60-års åldern firade sin 40-åriga bröllopsdag på en lugn Frau und Mann haben beide ihren 60. Geburtstag. Erscheint eine Fee und sagt: „Ihr habt einen Wunsch frei.“ Sagt der Mann: „Ok A couple was celebrating their wedding anniversary. During the party Det var en gang ett ektepar som fikk besøk av en fe. Feen sa: – Fordi dere har vært gift i 30 år Er was een koppeltje van 70 jaar oud en ze vierden hun gouden bruiloft. Op het feest verscheen plots een fee. De fee zei: “Jullie mogen een wens doen. Je mag wensen wat je maar wilt.” “Dat is tof Una pareja de casados Una coppia sta festeggiando le nozze d’argento e contemporaneamente anche i 60 anni di vita. Durante la celebrazione appare una fata e dice alla coppia: “come premio per la vostra fedeltà di 25... C’est un couple qui a déjà fêté ses noces d’argent (25 ans de mariage) et qui fête aujourd’hui le cinquantième anniversaire du mari. Pendant la fête Der var engang en fe der sagde til et par: "Nu har I været gift i 30 år uden at skændes ret meget Hvad du ønsker skal du få Et ægtepar skulle fejre deres 35 års bryllupsdag da de fik besøg af en fe. Feen sagde: - Da I er sådan et smukt par og har været sammen i så mange år giver jeg jer et... Spændende indianerridning En attraktiv kvinde fra New York kørte igennem en ret øde egn i Texas O zana spune unui cuplu: - Pentru ca sunteti un cuplu exemplar chiar si dupa 30 de ani de casatorie Une fée dit à un couple marié : - Pour avoir été un couple si exemplaire depuis 25 ans Michael und Susanne sind beide 55 Jahre alt und seit 20 Jahren verheiratet. Eines schönen Tages gehen beide im Wald spazieren und treffen dort eine magische Fee. Die magische Fee sagt zu den... De havde været gift i 25 år. og samtidig fejrede de begge deres 60 års fødselsdage. Mens de fejrede det hele
A gаy couple had been partnered for 25 years and was celebrating the 60th birthday of one of them.
During the party, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.
The one who was giving the party said, "We've blown all our money on parties and fine dining and decorating this house, I've never gotten to see the world.
I wish we could travel all over the world."
The fairy waved her wand and РООF!
He had the tickets in his hand.
Next, it was the birthday boy's turn.
He paused for a moment, and then with a sly grin said, "Well, I'd like a boyfriend 30 years younger than me."
The fairy waved her wand and РООF!
He was 90.
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An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking, and discussing how sтuрid their wives were.
The Englishman says, "I tell you, my wife is so sтuрid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don’t even have a fridge to keep it in."
The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty sтuрid, but says his wife is more sтuрid.
"Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn’t even know how to drive!"
The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both walked through the sтuрid forest and got hit by every branch.
However, he still thinks his wife is dumber.
"Ah, it kills me every time I think of it," he chuckles, "my wife left to go on a trip to Greece. I watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there and she doesn’t even have a diск!"
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Yo momma so poor I farted in her house and she bowed her head, stomped her feet and praised the lord saying " we got heat".
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Private Loyds was brought up before the unit CO for some offence.
"You can take your choice, private - one month's restriction or twenty day's pay," said the officer.
"All right, sir," said the bright soldier, "I'll take the money."
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Why was the man sued by his horse?
For palomino-money!
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One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side.
He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food."
the poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then."
"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"
"Bring them along!
And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man.
"But sir, I have a wife with six children!"
the second man answered.
"Bring them as well!"
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind.
Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall!"
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Yo' Mama is so poor, when she picks a вооgеr, she yells, "Clap your hands and stomp your feet, praise the Lord, we got meat!"
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