Money jokes

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An Indian chief is driving his Cadillac somewhere at Nevada.
Suddenly his car gets broken.
He examines it, and reveals that a technician must be called.
But the chief has only $4, and no credit card. So he gathers some wood, makes a fire and signals his tribe with its smoke:
"Hey, send somebody to my location with $500!"
The tribe accepts this signal, but to make sure in its meaning, signals back – once again, with the smoke:
"OK, chief, but why so much?"
At this moment a ground test of nuclear bomb is being held on the test field nearby.
A huge mushroom-like cloud of smoke rises into the sky...
The tribe signals:
"Ok, Ok, chief, we just wondered, why to be so angry?"

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Three men were drunк and they stopped a taxi.
The taxi driver figured that they were not in their minds so, he just switched on the engine and switched it off and told them:
"we have arrived".
The first man gave him money.
The second one thanked the taxi driver.
The third one slapped him (the taxi driver).
The taxi driver was stunned because he was hoping that none of them had realized that the car didn't move an inch, but he faked surprise and asked the third man:
"what was that for?".
The drunken man replied:
"control your speed next time! you nearly killed us!!!"

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A man was walking through a rather seedy section of town, when a вuм walked up to him and asked the man for two dollars.
The man asked, "Will you buy вооzе?"
The вuм replied, "No."
Then the man asked, "Will you gamble it away?"
The вuм said, "No."
Then the man asked the вuм, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"

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Our body cells renew while asleep.
If only our wallets could do the same.

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Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car that said: "TWO PROSTITUTES - $50.00."
A policeman stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.
Just then, another car passed with a sign saying, "JESUS SAVES."
One of the girls asked the cop, "Why don't you stop them?"
"Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. "Their sign pertains to religion."
The two ladies frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.
The following day the cop noticed the same two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. This time the sign read: "TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER - $50.00."

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Yo' Mama is so poor, when I asked where her bathroom was, she said, "Fourth bottle from the left."

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Yo' Mama is so poor, when you ring her doorbell, she sticks her head out the window and yells, "DING DОNG!"

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A young priest is unhappy with how little money his congregation contributes every week to the collection plate.
So decides to try a new tack and hypnotize them, using Father Matthews' priceless pocket watch. Thus hypnotized, they all give the five bucks he asked them too. Pumped by his success, he ups the amount to $10 the next week. Amazingly, everybody gives ten bucks each. The week after that, he decides to up it to twenty bucks, but just as he's about to announce the amount, he drops the watch.
"S**t!" It took the workers two weeks to clean up the church.

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A man walks into a a bar, drinks a couple of beers, and prepares to leave. The bartender tells him he owes $8.
"But I already paid you. Don't you remember?" says the customer.
"OK," says the bartender, "if you say you paid, then I suppose you did."
The man goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid or not. The second man rushes in, orders a couple beers, and later pulls the same stunt.
The barkeep replies, "OK, if you say you paid, then I suppose you did."
The customer goes outside and tells a friend how to get free drinks. The third man hurries into the bar and begins to drink highballs.
The bartender leans over and says, "You know, a funny thing happened tonight. Two men were drinking вееr, neither paid, and both claimed they had. The next guy who tries that stunt is going to get punched in the - "
The man interrupts, "Don't bother me with your troubles, bartender. Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."

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Q: Why don't you ask Yoda for money?
A: He is always a little to short.

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"Dad, your Father's Day gift is another year of not having to pay for my wedding. "

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There was a business man driving down this country road when he spotted a little boy that had a lemonade stand.
It being hot and him being thirsty, he decided to stop.
Once he got up to the little boy's stand, he noticed a sign that said "All you can drink 10 cents," and a single, very small glass. Well, he thought that it was an awful small glass, but since it was only 10 cents for all you can drink, he decided to get some anyway.
He gave the boy a dime, and shot down the whole glass in one swig.
He slapped the glass back onto the table and said, "fill 'er up."
The kid replieds, "Sure thing, that'll be 10 cents."
To this the business man said, "But your sign says all you can drink for a dime."
"It is," the little boy replies, "That's all you can drink for a dime."

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A man walks into a bar one night.
He goes up to the bar and asks for a вееr.
"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"One penny?!", exclaimed the guy.
The barman replied: "Yes!"
So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks: "Could I have a nice juicy T-воnе steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?"
"Certainly, sir", replies the bartender, but all that comes to real money."
"How much money?", inquires the guy.
"Four cents", he replies.
"Four cents?!", exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barman replies: "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy says: "What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies: "Same as what I'm doing to his business."

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Girls are like an internet virus: they enter your life, scan your pockets, transfer money, edit your mind, download their problems and delete your smile...

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A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of Larry Johnson. He delivered the pizza to his trailer.
After giving it to him, Larry asked: “What is the usual tip?”
“Well,” replied the youth, “this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I’ll be doing great.”
“Is that so?” snorted Larry.
“Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here’s five dollars.”
“Thanks,” replied the youth, “I’ll put this in my school fund.”
“What are you studying in school?” asked Larry.
The lad smiled and said: “Applied psychology.”

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I was eating and enjoying my food when a man entered into the restaurant where i was eating with a brief case.
I guess he is a politician cause his dressing and рот belly portrays it.
He walked and sat down as every body looked at him.
Suddenly a woman came to him and started crying.
The woman knelt down and told him that her children die of hunger since her husband died.
This man opened the brief case and gave this woman five thousand dollars.
The woman jumped up and left the scene in happiness.
I was still watching when another man started crying and came to him. He knelt down and begged him that he need a money to establish a business.
This man brought out three hundred thousand dollars cheque and gave it to this man.
This time, i started murmuring and practicing on the lie i will вlоw to have my own national cake.
I started crying and came to the man. Immediately i knelt down, I heard "Cut! cut! cut!".
I turned and saw the laughing director of the movie.
Shame almost killed me.

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H - "Hello?"
W - "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
H - "Yes."
W - "Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
H - "What's the price?"
W - "Only $1,500.00."
H - "Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..."
W - "Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models.
I saw one I really liked.
I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price...and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."
H-"What price did he quote you?"
W - "Only $60,000..."
H - "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
W - "Great! But before we hang up, something else..."
H - "What?"
W - "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year.
It's on sale!!
Remember?
The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property."
H - "How much are they asking?"
W - "Only $450,000 - a magnificent price...and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..."
H - "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?"
W - "OK, sweetie...Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
H - "Bye...I love u too..."
The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap, and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present: "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

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"Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Maryland State Lottery?
The winner gets $3 a year for a million years."

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