Once upon a time, two good ole boys, Curtis & Leroy, saw an ad in the Starkville, MS Daily and bought a mule for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.
The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night." Curtis & Leroy replied, Well, then just give us our money back." The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."
The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"
Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"
Leroy said, "We sure can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"
A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis & Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked. "What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"
They said, "We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do." Leroy said, "Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $998."
The farmer said, "My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"
Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."
Curtis and Leroy now work for the government. They're overseeing the Medicare and Social Security Programs.
An old farmer wanted a loan for $500. He approached his local banker. "What have you got for collateral?" queried the banker, going strictly by the book.
"Don't know what collateral means."
"Well that's something of value that would cover the cost of the loan. Have you got any vehicles?"
"Yes, I have a 1979 pickup."
The banker shook his head, "How about livestock?"
"Yes, I have a horse."
"How old is it?"
"I don't know; it has no teeth."
Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan. Several weeks later the man was back in the bank. He pulled out a roll of bills, "Here's the money to pay loan," he said, handing the entire amount including interest.
"What are you going to do with the rest of that money?"
"Put it in my pocket."
"Why don't you deposit it in my bank?" he asked.
"I don't know what deposit means."
"Well, you put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. When you want to use it you can withdraw it."
The man leaned across the desk, looking suspiciously at the banker, and asked, "What you got for collateral?"
One day in Czarist Russia, a poor old man and his very young daughter were on their way to town. They put all of their earthly possessions in the back of a donkey driven wagon in hopes of selling some of them to make money. As they were traveling, up the road they saw a small group of Cossacks. They braced themselves expecting the worst. Inevitably, the Cossacks ride up to the wagon and begin harassing the old man and his daughter. Eventually, the Cossacks knock the old man and his daughter off the cart and ride off with the Donkey and Wagon.
The old man sits on the side of the road and begins sobbing…
Daughter asks, “Papa, papa, what’s the matter?”
To which the old man responds,”Don’t you see? They’ve taken everything we had!”
“Not everything…”, The daughter responds, to which she takes out a small rolled up cloth, which she unrolls to reveal some jewelry and gems.
The old man’s eyes widen, “How did you manage to hide that?”
She answered, “When I saw them further up the road, I took them, rolled them up in this cloth and hid them in my - uh - hoo-ha.”
To which the old man starts crying hysterically…
“Papa, what’s wrong now?”
“Oh if only your sainted mother were still alive…we could have saved the whole wagon!”