A farmer was out plowing one day, when his son ran up to the tractor excitedly.
“Daddy, there’s some preacher come to visit, and Momma wants you to come in and meet him”
The farmer said “Son, I have to finish here, but I need your help. Go back inside and tell mom that I’ll be there in a little while; find out which preacher it is; and do this:
If it’s the Catholic priest, hide the bottle of wine, he’ll drink it all if you don’t.
If it’s the Lutheran minister, hide the cookie jar with Momma’s butter and egg money in it, he’ll talk her out of all of it.
And if it’s the Baptist preacher, you sit on Momma’s lap until I get there.
An angel appears at a College faculty meeting and tells the Dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, infinite wisdom, or infinite beauty. Without hesitating, the Dean selects infinite wisdom.
“Done!” says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning. Now, all heads turn toward the Dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. At length, one of his colleagues whispers, “Say something.”
The Dean sighs and says, “I should have taken the money.”
A doctor from Israel says:
“In Israel the medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man’s testicles; we put them into another man, and in 6 weeks he is looking for work.”
The German doctor comments:
“That’s nothing, in Germany we take part of the brain out of a person; we put it into another person’s head, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work.”
A Russian doctor says:
“That’s nothing either. In Russia we take out half of the heart from a person; we put it into another person’s chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work.”
The Australian doctor answers immediately:
“That’s nothing fellas, you’re way behind us….in OZ, …We grabbed a female spinster atheist, size 34-40-54, with ваlls, a wooden heart, speaks like a mortician, bobs her head like a chook, waves her hands like a ventriloquist, spends money like its going out of fashion…..and….we made her Prime Minster of Australia
and very soon …..the whole вlооdy country will be looking for work!!!!!!”
An old farmer wanted a loan for $500. He approached his local banker. "What have you got for collateral?" queried the banker, going strictly by the book.
"Don't know what collateral means."
"Well that's something of value that would cover the cost of the loan. Have you got any vehicles?"
"Yes, I have a 1979 pickup."
The banker shook his head, "How about livestock?"
"Yes, I have a horse."
"How old is it?"
"I don't know; it has no teeth."
Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan. Several weeks later the man was back in the bank. He pulled out a roll of bills, "Here's the money to pay loan," he said, handing the entire amount including interest.
"What are you going to do with the rest of that money?"
"Put it in my pocket."
"Why don't you deposit it in my bank?" he asked.
"I don't know what deposit means."
"Well, you put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. When you want to use it you can withdraw it."
The man leaned across the desk, looking suspiciously at the banker, and asked, "What you got for collateral?"