My old Granddad was mugged in the park last week, punched in the face and his wallet stolen. The police arrived and took a description of the attacker alongside other details.
“How much cash was in your wallet, sir?” asked the police officer.
“£800,” said Granddad.
“OK, sir,” said the police officer as he was leaving, “we’ll let you know if we find out anything.”
Granddad, I said, where did you get 800 pounds ? You don’t have that kind of money.
I know, said Granddad, but if they catch the сunт it’s my word against his.
A young man and woman got married. At the time of their marriage, the husband noticed his wife carried a decently sized metal box and shoved it up at the top of their closet. Curious as he was, the wife told him to never to look in it no matter what the circumstances. Over the years, he saw that metal box in the closet, but never peered into it for the sake of his wife. One day, though, the wife had a sтrоке and was rushed to the hospital. As the husband sat grieving at home, he thought of the box, snatched it up, and sped to the hospital where his wife remained with her death coming soon. The husband bolted to her hospital room and pleaded and begged her to allow him to open the box by her side. "Well" she said,
"I suppose now would be the right time." The husband unlatched the hook and peered inside. On one side sat two crocheted dolls, and on the other, to his surprise, sat one million dollars! "Honey, before we got married, my mother gave me this box and told me that whenever I got mad at you, I should go to the bedroom and crotchet a doll," said the wife. The husband was thrilled and thankful. He absolutely couldn't believe his wife had only been mad at him two times! "That is amazing!" said the husband to his wife. "Honey, I'm grateful beyond belief you've only been mad at me twice, but how on this earth did you manage to get one million dollars?"
"Oh, honey" said the wife, "That's the money I got from selling the dolls."
Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way. …
…
Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business called Plexus Communications. After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him. The next day he had set up three interviews.
The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, Merv asked him, “Do you notice anything different about me?” And the gentleman answered, “Why yes, I couldn’t help but notice you have no ears.” Merv got very angry and threw him out.
The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. He asked her the same question, “Do you notice anything different about me?” and she replied: “Well, you have no ears.” Merv again was upset and tossed her out.
The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome. And he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Merv was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: “Do you notice anything different about me?” And to his surprise, the young man answered: “Yes. You wear contact lenses.”
Merv was shocked, and said, “What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?” The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, “Well, it’s pretty hard to wear glasses with no ears!”