Morbid jokes - Page 2

Where do suicide bombers go when they die?
Everywhere

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After my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for 10 years.
But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it!

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Dark Humor Jokes Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Prison Jokes Sick and Death Jokes Morbid jokes

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces.
The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.
"Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his picture taken.

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Redneck jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Police Officer Jokes Sick and Death Jokes Morbid jokes Scottish Jokes

This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London.
We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic.
If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.
If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off.
If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you.
That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses.
This is a recorded message.
Have a good flight!

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Dark Humor Jokes Aviation Jokes Sick and Death Jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes Morbid jokes Military Jokes Pilot Jokes

Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.

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3 europeans come to America. They all get captured by native americans and they want to кill them. But the europeans beg to have their lives spared.
The native americans agreed to not кill them on one condition: the europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit and they will be informed what to do with it.
So the first guy comes back with a peach.
The native american says "Shove it up your аss, if you laugh we кill you."
So, he shoves the peach up his аss and he laughs, and the native americans кill him.
The second guy comes back with a grape.
The native american tells him the same thing.
He laughs and the native american kills him.
They both see eachother in heaven and the first guy says to the second guy, "I had a peach and peaches are fuzzy so thats why I laughed, but you had a grape, what happened?"
The second guy says, "Oh yea I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a pineapple!"

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Dr. Dave slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while, he'd hear an internal voice that said, "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients, and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it go."
But invariably, the other voice would bring him back to reality.
"But Dave, you're a vet."

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Men vs Women Jokes Gross Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Sex Jokes Morbid jokes

What do you buy a dead baby for its birthday?
A dead puppy!

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Gross Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Animal Jokes Birthday Jokes Morbid jokes Dead baby jokes

Q: How many lawyers does it take to build a wall?
A: Depends on how deep you stack them.

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Office and Work Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Morbid jokes Dead baby jokes Lawyer Jokes

Q: What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their necks in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

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Office and Work Jokes Dark Humor Jokes One-Liner Jokes Lawyer Jokes Sick and Death Jokes Morbid jokes

Q: What was the one thing Нiтlеr did well?
A: Кill himself.

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Hitler Jokes Sick and Death Jokes Morbid jokes

Q: What's the difference between morbid and black humour?
A: Well, black humour is like 10 children in one ruввish bin, whereas morbid humour is like one child in 10 ruввish bins.

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Dark Humor Jokes Kids Jokes Morbid jokes

Q: What's faster than the speed of light?
A: A jew passing Germany.

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Q: Why did the cannibal tax auditor get disciplined?
A: For buttering up her clients.

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Cannibal Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Tax jokes Morbid jokes

Q: What was Нiтlеr's favorite drink?
A: Concentrated jews.

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Jewish Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Hitler Jokes Morbid jokes

Q: What is the difference between baby and knitting?
A: Knitting is weaved by two needles and one ball, but the baby has been made with one needle and two ваlls!

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Dark Humor Jokes Baby Jokes Morbid jokes

An alien lord lands in the middle of the desert and demands to see the ruler of all this planet and make it bow to his will, except he made two grave mistakes, first he landed in the middle of the desert, in the middle of the night and second he didn't know anything about the inhabitants.
So he approaches the first life form he finds which was a gas pump and demands it to take him to the leader.
Well it's a gas pump so it doesn't say anything obviously, getting aggravated he demands again but this time pulls his laser pistol and says
"This is the last time I ask earthling!"
Just then his general whispers to him "Hey calm down buddy don't mess with this guy, he's a badass мотhеrfuскеr".
Shrugging off his comrade he furiously demands a response and after brief moments of silence, he blasts the pump and BOOM!
A huge explosion occurs and they land a mile away.
As they sit there dusting themselves off the alien lord looks at the general and asks "We have conquered the cosmos and all sorts of life forms, I've never seen you sweat in the face of an adversary, how did you know this guy was such a badass мотhеrfuскеr?"
The general looks over and says "Man if you could wrap your diск around your body 3 times and then plug it in your ear, you are a badass мотhеrfuскеr."

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Alien Jokes Vulgar jokes Sick and Death Jokes Morbid jokes Military Jokes

Young kids use a dating app on their phones.
Older kids use a dating website on their computers.
Adults use a matchmaking service to get dates.
Senior citizens meet potential dates at church events.
Anyone older than that will have to resort to carbon dating.

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Old People Jokes Relationship Jokes Dating Jokes Sick and Death Jokes Morbid jokes

I was walking through the cemetery the other day when a thought crossed my mind.
Call me a sentimental old fool if you like, but I couldn't resist it.
I texted my ex saying 'wish you were here'.

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A guy is late to meet with his friends at the local bar the friends obviously ask why he is late and he responds:
"Wow, you won't believe what just happened. So I take the usual route via the rail tracks and suddenly I see a young, nакеd woman tied up next to the tracks."
The friends are curious and ask: "Well, what happened next?"
The guy says: "Of course I untied her and we had sеx because I freed her."
The friends are cheering and one friend asks: "Soo... did you get any head?"
The guy says: "No, I couldn't find it..."

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