Newest jokes - Page 2811

Why is sеx like a game of bridge?
You don’t need a partner if you’ve got a good hand.

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Sex Jokes

What do Americans and Putin have in common?
They'll both be nuking Turkey after Thanksgiving.

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Turkey Jokes Thanksgiving Jokes American Jokes

America's getting more and more culturally diverse every day, man. It's beautiful, man. We're trying to get along. We're good people. That's why I hate it when the president says the world hate us. Every time I see him on TV, 'The world hates us and our freedom.' And I'm like, 'Us? It's you!'

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Nationality Jokes Men jokes USA Jokes

A lawyer was cross-examining the doctor about whether or not he had checked the pulse of the deceased before he signed the death certificate. "No," the doctor said. "I did not check his pulse."
"And did you listen for a heartbeat?" asked the lawyer. "No I did not," the doctor said. "So," said the lawyer, "when you signed the death certificate, you had not taken steps to make sure he was dead." The doctor said,
"Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was in a jar on my desk but, for all I know, he could be out practicing law somewhere."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes Lawyer Jokes

My friend asked me if the new Star Wars was in 3D...
... and I said, yes, but they R2D2.

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Star Wars Jokes

The six front keys have rotted out.

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Programmer Jokes Computer Jokes

A woman was notified that her grandmother just passed away and left her a big inheritance.
The instruction were, "My dear I left you some money but you need to log on to this account I had set up for you with my bank. The money should be right there in the CD I had set up. But you need a computer in order to get your money."
The granddaughter was excited and went to her home computer and logged on to the account. She was sad that after 10 minutes of waiting she did not see the money coming out from the CD-ROM insert. Her husband came home to see his wife sitting in front of the computer with a very sad face. He asked his wife, "What's the matter my lovely wife I thought you would be happy to received that kind of inheritance?"
The wife replied, "I would if the dang computer would just spit the money out."

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Jokes about Women Money jokes Computer Jokes Grandparent Jokes Banker Jokes

If you woke up this morning, it means Chuck Norris spared your life.

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Chuck Norris Jokes One-Liner Jokes

Two lepers playing poker, one threw his hand in, the other laughed his head off.

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Dirty jokes

Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm. Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little вееr down his throat. Then he went about his fishing.
An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms in his mouth...

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Animal Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Beer Jokes

What do the Jews hate most about the Holocaust?
The cost.

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Money jokes Dark Humor Jokes

Two men are drinking in a bar.
They pull out the sandwiches their wives had lovingly prepared and tuck in.
The bartender comes over and says "you can't eat your own food in here"
So they swapped sandwiches.

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Food Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

Your mama is so black when God saw her he said "Oh man I burnt one again."

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God Jokes Men jokes Yo Momma Jokes

Chuck Norris once gave a box of his old watches to a group of kids.
These kids are now known as the power rangers.

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Kids Jokes Chuck Norris Jokes One-Liner Jokes

At school one morning the teacher asked little Johnny what he had for breakfast. Little Johnny said, well, on my way to school I come cross this Apple tree, so I climbed up there and started eating apples. I guess I eat about six, said little Johnny. No, said the teacher, it’s ate! Little Johnny said well it could've been eight I don't remember.

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School Jokes Little Johnny Jokes

Ladies and gentlemen, if there's anybody here this afternoon who's feeling nervous, apprehensive and queasy at the thought of what lies ahead, it's probably because you have just got married to (NAME).

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Marriage and Family Jokes

Men are like..... Coffee
The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.

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Money jokes Men vs Women Jokes Men jokes Coffee Jokes

What kind of money do polar bears use?
Ice lolly.

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Money jokes Animal Jokes

A kindergarten teacher was showing her class an encyclopedia page illustrating several national flags. She pointed to the American flag and asked, “What flag is this?” Little Sue called out, “That’s the flag of our country.” “Very good,” the teacher said. “And what’s the name of our country?” Little Sue answered, “Tis of thee.”

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School Jokes Nationality Jokes American Jokes

In Jerusalem, a female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Wailing Wall and there he was!
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, she approached him for an interview.
“I’m Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wall and praying?”
“For about 60 years.”
“60 years! That’s amazing! What do you pray for?”
“I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship.”
“How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?”
“Like I’m talking to a wall!”

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Jokes about Women News and Politics Jokes Men jokes Friendship Jokes

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