Science jokes - Page 6

Chuck Norris destroyed the Periodic Table because he only recognizes the element of surprise.

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Three statisticians are out hunting.
Suddenly, a deer appears 50 yards away.
The first statistician shoots and hits the tree 5 feet to the left.
The second statistician shoots and hits the tree 5 feet to the right.
The third statistician starts jumping up and down, yelling "We got him! We got him!"

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A physicist, an engineer and a programmer were in a car driving over a steep alpine pass when the brakes failed.
The car was getting faster and faster, they were struggling to get round the corners and once or twice only the feeble crash barrier saved them from crashing down the side of the mountain.
They were sure they were all going to die, when suddenly they spotted an escape lane.
They pulled into the escape lane, and came safely to a halt.
The physicist said "We need to model the friction in the brake pads and the resultant temperature rise, see if we can work out why they failed".
The engineer said "I think I've got a few spanners in the back. I'll take a look and see if I can work out what's wrong".
The programmer said "Why don't we get going again and see if it's reproducible?"

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Two statisticians go bird hunting.
The first one fires at the bird but overshoots by 5 feet.
The second one fires and undershoots the bird by 5 feet.
They both give each other a high-five and say "Got it!"

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An instructor in chemical warfare asked soldiers in his class: "Anyone knows the formula for water?"
"Sure. That's easy," said one man.
"What is it?"
"H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O."
"What, what?" reasked the instructor.
"H to O," explained the chemistry expert.

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A chemist, a physicist, and a mathematician are stranded on an island when a can of food rolls ashore.
The chemist and the physicist comes up with many ingenious ways to open the can.
Then suddenly the mathematician gets a bright idea: "Assume we have a can opener..."

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Math tells us three of the saddnest love stories:
1) Tangent lines who had one chance to meet and then parted forever.
2) Parallel lines who were never meant to meet.
3) Asymptotes who can get closer and closer but will never be together.

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Q: What happened to the man who was stopped for having sodium chloride and a nine-volt in his car?
A: He was booked for a salt and battery.

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Whats the chemical formula of compressed liquid oxygen?
O2.zip

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Scientists invented a machine to catch thieves.
In 30 minutes in Canada the machine caught 10 thieves, in 15 minutes in the U.S the machine caught 5 thieves, in 3 minutes in Trinidad thieves stole the machine.

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The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term:

"Is Неll exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Неll is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Неll and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Неll, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Неll, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Неll. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Неll. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Неll to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Неll because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Неll to stay the same, the volume of Неll has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities.

1) If Неll is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Неll, then the temperature and pressure in Неll will increase until all Неll breaks loose.

2) Of course, if Неll is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Неll, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Неll freezes over.

So which is it ? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my Freshman year that "It will be a cold night in Неll before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sеxuаl relations with her, then (2) cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Неll is exothermic.

The student got the only A.

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.
The first orders a вееr, the second orders half a вееr, the third orders a quarter of a вееr, and so on.
After the seventh order, the bartender pours two beers and says, "You fellas ought to know your limits."

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Q: What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?
A: A ferrous wheel.

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Two adventurers John and Jack were hunting for gold in the desert.
After roaming all day long under the hot sun, they set up their tent and fell asleep.
Some hours later, John woke up his friend.
"Jack, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Jack looked up and replied, "I can see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" asked John.
Jack thought for a minute and said.
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
After a moment of silence, John spoke.
"It tells two things to me. First is that... you are an idiот."
Jack looked at John, surprised. "Why do you say so?" he said.
"Because it has still not occurred to you that someone has stolen our tent." replied John.

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A married couple was walking down the street when an alien spacecraft landed in front of them.
A married alien couple walked out and said, "Hello, earthlings, we come in peace. We are scientists from the planet GRUDO-X and we want you to tell us all about your planet."
So they talked for hours, until they came to the subject of sеx.
The humans told the aliens how humans have sеx and the aliens were in shock!
It was very similar to the way the aliens did it.
The men in the group decided to have a little experiment with switching wives for a night.
When the human woman saw the alien man undress, she immediately laughed at his "thing."
The alien looked down and said, "Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot."
And he hit his head twice and "it" grew at least two feet.
The woman said "Wow! That's impressive, but I could snap that thing if I wanted to."
So the alien pulled his ears twice and it expanded. The two had the greatest sеx of their lives.
The next morning the human man came for his wife and asked, "How was it?"
The wife replied, "Great!"
The man said, "Well, for some strange reason thealien woman kept jumping on me, pulling my ears and hitting me on the head, screaming, "It's broken! It's broken!"

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A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage.
"No thanks, I'm traveling light."

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Student: What’s infinity?
Math Teacher: Think of a number.
Student: Okay, I’ve got one.
Teacher: Good. That’s not it.

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Mr. Brown was telling his son a bed-time story.
"Once upon a time there was a white bunny..."
"Jeez..dad it's boring,what about science fiction?"
"Ok,Ok" Mr Brown said.
"Once upon a time there was a Bunny who got onto a spacecraft and...."
"Dad, a little more grown up!"
"Do you promise me not to tell your mom?" asked Mr Brown.
" I swear!"
"Ok", "Once upon a time there was a nакеd bunny..."

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Teacher: Your behaviour reminds me of square root of 2?
Student: Why?
Teacher: Because its’ completely irrational.

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George and Harry out in a hot air balloon to cross the Atlantic Ocean.
After 37 hours in the air, George says "Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are".
Harry let's out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon descends to below the cloud cover.
George says, "I still can't tell where we are, let's ask that guy on the ground".
So Harry yells down at the man "Hey, could you tell us where we are?"
The man on the ground yells back "You're in a balloon, 100 feet up in the air".
George turns to Harry and says "That man must be a lawyer".
And Harry says "How can you tell?".
George says "Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate and totally useless".
That's the end of the Joke, but for you people who are still worried about George and Harry:
They end up in the drink, and make the front page of the New York Times: "Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer".

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