Political Joke

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At election time I know what it must feel like to be a woman with a new boyfriend. Promised everything, then fuскеd left, right, and center, and finally abandoned while you hope the next bloke will be a little better.

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90’s kids won’t get this . . . . .
Social Security benefits.

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1. What does a typical politician and a dress manufacturer have in common?
One skirts the issues, the other issues skirts.
2. What does a torpedo and a kitchen appliance supplier have in common?
One sinks ships, the other ships sinks.
3. What does a phone app and a U-Haul have in common?
One is downloaded, the other is loaded down.
4. What does a balcony and a drunк have in common?
One has an overhang, the other has a hangover.
5. What does a clown hiding in a cake and a son who discovers his dad's
Secret have in common?
One pops out, the other outs pop.

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Last night, someone actually jumped the fence of the Presidential Palace.
The Security team eventually caught the person.
The tackling officer said, “I'm sorry, but you have to stay here for all four years, Mr. President.”

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The police say they burn all the wееd they confiscate.
That would explain the doughnuts.

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A man parks his bicycle nearby the Parliament house and walks on.
A police constable stops him and asks, "Why did you park your bicycle here? Don't you know it is a VIP road and all parliamentarians and senators pass from here?"
Man replied, "Don't you worry about it, I locked my bicycle!"

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Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. “I got a cookbook once,” said one, “but I could never do anything with it.” “Too much fancy work in it, eh?” asked the other. “You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - Take a clean dish.”

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I is very proud dat I went 2 school in da UK. I fink out of all 17 countries in da world UK is da best.

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Donald Trump gets executed and is hanged by the neck until dead. At Trump Tower, his family watches CNN, which is covering his death live, all of them mournful and teary before Donald himself walks in triumphantly. …
…
“But Donald, CNN says you were killed!” Ivanka cried. …
…
“Nope!” Donnie beamed, holding up the rope that was used to hang him, “fake noose.”

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A politician died and went to the pearly gates. He peered over the angel's shoulder and saw several clocks. He asked the angel what the clocks represented. The angels told him the hands of the clock only move when someone is lying.
The man saw George Washington's clock on the wall and asked the angel about George's clock. “The hands only moved once. That was the time he lied to his father about the cherry tree.”
Then the man saw the clock that belonged to Abe Lincoln and asked about the hands on his clock. “The hands did not move because he was known as 'Honest Abe.'”
“Where is my clock?”
“Oh, it's in God's office. He is using it as a ceiling fаn."

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Q. Why is President Clinton the greatest president of all time?
A. Because he was always HARD at work.

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Term limits
Limit all politicians to TWO terms!!
One term in office
One term in prison

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There was a strike today at work! After waiting a long time finally someone turned up who actually knows how to play ten-pin bowling!

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Donald Trump has outlined what he will be doing during the first 100 days in office.
Stomp around muttering , ” Fuскing вiтсh, it should have been me ”

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Many small towns in rural Maine are too small for a town manager so they elect (select) at their town meetings "Select Persons" to do the town's business. Athens was very proud that they elected the first female Select Person. She was not a native and had recently moved from New Jersey where things were very sophisticated compared to this 130 person town.
Wanting to impress the town's people her first decision was to convince the other two Select Persons to make the main street "One Way Only", just like her home town in NJ. The biggest problem resulting from this decision however, is that everyone can go to work, they just can't get back.

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How many Stalinists would it have taken to change a light bulb during the first 5 year plan?
None, for if the light bulb needed changing then comrade Stalin -- the most wonderous man alive and the embodiment of all that we Marxist-Leninist-Stalinists hold dear and aspire to -- would have foreseen the fact that the light bulb needed changing and so organized the 5 year plan to replace the light bulb before it needed changing from the vast stock of light bulbs which the plan had produced -- stocks in excess of the amount originally planned, for the workers were inspired by their love of Stalin and the Socialist Motherland to work harder and produce more, using less!

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A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag. “Our flag symbolizes our taxes,” the man said. “We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them.” “That’s the same with us, the American said, “only we see stars, too.”

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Donald Trump and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barbershop.
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start
A conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Trump
In his chair reached for the aftershave.
Trump was quick to stop him saying, ‘No thanks, my wife will smell that and think I’ve been in a whоrеhоusе,’
The second barber turned to Obama and said, ‘How about you?’
Obama replied, ‘Go ahead, my wife doesn’t know what the inside of a whоrеhоusе smells like.’

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