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One small step for man… One giant leap for Danny DeVito.

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So Kim K was held at gun point? where’s the video?
Last time she was held up with a solid black object she filmed that!

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My pet mouse Elvis died yesterday.
He was caught in a trap.

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Apparently Stevie Wonder has stopped writing music.
He dropped his pen.

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I saw Katie Price give a couple of pence to charity earlier.
“Why so little?” I asked.
She said, “It’s the only way I can get someone to call me a tight сunт nowadays.”

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My manager's Jewish. My agent's Jewish. Let's face it, show business is run by 2,000 Jews and Oprah, and she lives next door to Spielberg, which makes her Jewish by association.

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Oscar Pistorius will be allowed to compete again in events in 2019.
As the race starter.

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Oscar Pistorious was asked what the most difficult time of his trial was..
He replied “Right at the start. when the judge said “all rise”.

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What has four arms, two legs, and howls in the night?
Oscar Pistorius being rареd by his cellmate.

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I heard a funny noise whilst in bed last night so I jumped up and did all the usual stuff - checked the front door, checked the windows, shot my girlfriend five times, checked the back door.
Turns out there was no one there!

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Apparently Katie Price is writing a new book about all the men she’s slept with, it’s called the The Telephone Book.

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What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a plastic bag?
One is pale, dangerous to children, and made of plastic. The other one is a plastic bag.

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The easiest job on the planet is the DJ at a classical music station. It's a sweet gig. 'Here's Beethoven's 9th Symphony. I'll be back in an hour and a half.'

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Why is chris brown last name brown? cuz he is racist

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“You spend far too much time on that fuскing computer.”
Possibly a bit harsh, but as one of Stephen Hawking’s closest friends, I felt someone had to tell him.

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When you combine "Red Dawn" with "Blue Velvet," do you get "Purple Rain"?

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Police are investigating the death of Tara Palmer Tomkinson.
They have found some traces of blood in her сосаinе system
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There once was a man called Hawking,
Who got very bored of walking,
He got on a scooter,
Attached a computer,
And now it does all of the talking.

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