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My girlfriend says she is leaving me because I’m an irritating talentless child-like worthless cunt
And I was like
Baby, baby, baby ooh
Like baby, baby, baby noo
Like baby, baby, baby ooh
Thought you’d always be mine

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Cristiano Ronaldo goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, every time I look in the mirror, I get turned on.”
The doctor says, “I’m not surprised - you’re a сunт!”

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When I was about 8 or 9, I was a massive Michael Jackson fаn and I wish I had known at the time that I was his type.

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Why dont professional Womans basketball games ever sell out? Because only 3% of women are lеsвiаns...

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150 people died on a Germanwings flight because some selfish little сunт wouldn’t open a door.
If only Oscar Pistorius had been on board.

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Sylvester Stallone tells us that he is “better at painting than at acting.”
I’ve never seen his paintings, but I agree with him.

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One small step for man… One giant leap for Danny DeVito.

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So Kim K was held at gun point? where’s the video?
Last time she was held up with a solid black object she filmed that!

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My pet mouse Elvis died yesterday.
He was caught in a trap.

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North West is gonna be scarred for life when she watches Bound 2

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Apparently Stevie Wonder has stopped writing music.
He dropped his pen.

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I saw Katie Price give a couple of pence to charity earlier.
“Why so little?” I asked.
She said, “It’s the only way I can get someone to call me a tight сunт nowadays.”

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Oscar Pistorius will be allowed to compete again in events in 2019.
As the race starter.

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Oscar Pistorious was asked what the most difficult time of his trial was..
He replied “Right at the start. when the judge said “all rise”.

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What has four arms, two legs, and howls in the night?
Oscar Pistorius being rареd by his cellmate.

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I heard a funny noise whilst in bed last night so I jumped up and did all the usual stuff - checked the front door, checked the windows, shot my girlfriend five times, checked the back door.
Turns out there was no one there!

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Apparently Katie Price is writing a new book about all the men she’s slept with, it’s called the The Telephone Book.

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What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a plastic bag?
One is pale, dangerous to children, and made of plastic. The other one is a plastic bag.

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