Restaurant Jokes

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What does a dragon like to eat at a restaurant? Hot wings.

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An American man was sitting in his favorite restaurant when a Korean bloke said to him, "I am sick of seeing your big round eyes."
The American replied, "Put on a blind fold."
The Korean man asked, "Where do I get one?
The American then said, "Here take my shoe lace."

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Yo' Mama is so fат, she's banned from all-you-can-eat restaurants.

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A man and his wife are at a restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table. His wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband. "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

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There was a man with a restaurant near a construction site.
The construction workers usually had their lunches in there, their favorite meal being beef soup. But one day the chef ran out of meat and in his panicked state he ran out the door in the hope of finding a ride to town. After noticing that there was no vehicles nearby he sadly started walking back to his restaurant. Upon nearing the construction site he saw a sheep tied up on a pole nearby. He was so happy that he untied the sheep and proceeded to his place. At lunchtime the construction workers walked in and ordered their favorite soup. During the meal, the guys started exclaiming in delight that the soup tasted extremely good today and asked what was the reason for that. The chef was pleased and proceeded to tell them about his predicament. Everyone stopped eating with a dazed look on their faces. The chef asked,
"What's the matter boys, did I sсrеw up the cooking?"
"No." replied the foreman of the construction team, "you cooked up the sсrеwing."

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You'll be so fат after Thanksgiving next time you go to a restaurant, instead of a menu, you'll get an estimate.

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1. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
2. A 3-year-old is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
3. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fаn, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a large room.
5. When using the ceiling fаn as a baseball bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fаn can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fаn.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a six-year-old.
11. "Play-Doh" and "microwave" should never be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCRs do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise in a moving car.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
21. Cats spit up twice their body weight when dizzy.

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Things Never Said by Southerners:
- Duct tape won't fix that.
- Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
- We don't keep firearms in the house.
- You can't feed that to the dog.
- The kids can't ride in the back of the pickup - it's just not safe.
- Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
- We're vegetarians.
- Do you think my gut is too big?
- Honey, we don't need another dog.
- Who's Richard Petty?
- We could just share a small bag of pork rinds
.- Too many deer heads detract from the decor
.- I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today
.- Is there anything in this restaurant that's NOT fried?
- The tires on that truck are too big.
- I've got it all on the C drive.
- There's too much sugar in this tea.
- Checkmate.
- I believe you cooked those greens too long

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A fат woman and a skinny woman were sitting together at a restaurant.
"Men prefer thin women," said the skinny woman.
"Really? Did your boyfriend tell you that?" said the fат one.
"No, your boyfriend told me that!"

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A man with greasy jeans, a flannel shirt, and work boots approaches the headwaiter in an elegant restaurant.
The man says, "Hey buddy, where's your crapper?"
The headwaiter calmly replies, "Go down the hall and turn left. When you see the sign marked 'Gentlemen,' pay absolutely no attention to it and go right inside."

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Jack tells his doctor how he can no longer sustain an еrестiоn.
After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, "The problem is that the muscles
around the base of your реnis are damaged. There's really nothing I can do unless you're willing to try an experimental treatment. We would take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your реnis."
The thought of going through life without ever having sеx again was too much for Jack, so he agreed to try the treatment. A few weeks after the operation, Jack was given the green light to try out his new equipment. He planned a romantic evening for his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city.
During dinner he felt a pain building in his groin. To release the pressure, Jack unzipped his fly. His реnis immediately sprang from his fly, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll, and then returned to his pants. His girlfriend was stunned at first but then said with a sly smile, "That was incredible! Can you do it again?"
''I can try," said Jack, "but I don't think my аss can take another roll."

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The man who created autocorrecthas died.
Restaurant in peace!

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I went to a restaurant.
It was full. There was no place to sit and the wait was over thirty minutes...
I took out my cell phone, placed it to my ear, and said loudly, "Hey, get over here! Now! The вiтсh is here with someone else!"
Six couples got up and quickly left.

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At the restaurant, “Sir, would you prefer a red or a white wine? ”
The customer shrugs, “I don’t really care. I’m colorblind.”

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Guest to a waiter: “I’m actually quite sorry we haven’t discovered your restaurant earlier.”
Waiter: “Oh, that’s nice. So you liked it here?”
Guest: “No. But earlier, that meat might have still been OK.”

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A couple goes to a restaurant and the wife excuses herself to go to the bathroom. In the meantime, the waiter approaches to take their order.
The husband says, “I’ll have a вееr.”
The waiter asks: “And what about your wife? Do you want a вееr for her?”
Man: “You know what, that’s a fair trade. Deal!”

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Today I brought a pizza with me on the bus. The driver said: “Hey that is not a restaurant here.” I said: “I know, that’s why I brought my own food.”

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At a restaurant.
Waiter - "Would you like a table?"
Me - "No, not at all, we came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.

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