In Soviet Russia, an American spy tries to blend in… …. ….
George Keats had trained 20 years for this moment. He had mastered the Russian language in its native accent. He learned all of Russia’s customs and social graces. He had memorized Moscow street maps and knew every back-alley there was. He swore that he could even think like a Russian. …
…
The big day finally came, and he was parachuted into the outskirts of Moscow at night. He emerged by daybreak, and hopped onto a bus going to the city center.
“Comrade. How much for a ticket to Red square?”, he asked the conductor in authentic Russian.
“5 Rubles, Comrade American”, came the reply.
Keats was stunned. Perhaps the conductor was just being a smart-аss. He hopped off the bus and asked a passerby for directions to the closest bar.
“It’s just around the block, Comrade American.”
Keats’ doubts grew immensely. Not knowing what to do, he went inside the bar and ordered a glass of Vоdка. …
“Want some Borscht to go with it, Comrade American?”, the bartender asked.
Keats threw a fit. “What’s the matter with you people? I dress just like you, I speak just like you, I even THINK just like you! Why does everyone keep calling me American?”
“Well Comrade, it’s because you’re black.”
Top 10 Things You Don't Want Dubya to Say:
10) My fellow Americans, I have been lying to you all this time. These two beautiful twin daughters I have? They're clones. Mwa-ha-ha-ha!
9) My fellow Americans, I have to admit to something. I accidentally pushed the wrong button on my trip to the SAC base. Me being my red-necked self, I pushed the red button that sent off the missiles to Russia. Say your prayers.
8) My fellow Americans, I have to ask one thing. What's a law?
7) My fellow Americans, we sadly admit that Mr. Cheney is no longer with us. After another heart attack, he has been forced to retire. I shall have to retire too, because without him I'm a lost cause.
6) Another thing to admit. Mr. Bush Sr., my father, is really my brother.
5) And my wife is really my mother.
4) My fellow Americans, I am a clone!!!!
3) My fellow Americans, I have to tell you all something that happened back in November. I rigged the votes. It's been on my small hillbilly mind all this time. Gore really won, but don't tell him (the loser). Oh, did I say that out loud?
2) My fellow Americans, as we speak an asteroid is heading toward Earth. You are all going to die. The key word is you. You. I have a one-way ticket to the U.S. space station, where I'll watch and see you all get blown away by the rock, and I'll laugh evilly from my little room up in space, safe. Unlike you suckers! Ha!
1) I would just like to tell the young Americans that you can just say no to drugs. Just say no. Drugs are bad. Drugs are very bad. That is all. Of course, if I could tell them my side of the story, I would tell them that drugs are very refreshing. I was an addict when I was younger, and it attracts the ladies. I'm not just talking ladies either. I was popular after I smoked. I was cool. It was the one time in my life when I felt accepted.... oh... what? We're still on the air? Oh? Is that what that red glowing light means? Uh... WE ARE NOW EXPERIENCING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES
A doctor from Israel says:
“In Israel the medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man’s testicles; we put them into another man, and in 6 weeks he is looking for work.”
The German doctor comments:
“That’s nothing, in Germany we take part of the brain out of a person; we put it into another person’s head, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work.”
A Russian doctor says:
“That’s nothing either. In Russia we take out half of the heart from a person; we put it into another person’s chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work.”
The Australian doctor answers immediately:
“That’s nothing fellas, you’re way behind us….in OZ, …We grabbed a female spinster atheist, size 34-40-54, with ваlls, a wooden heart, speaks like a mortician, bobs her head like a chook, waves her hands like a ventriloquist, spends money like its going out of fashion…..and….we made her Prime Minster of Australia
and very soon …..the whole вlооdy country will be looking for work!!!!!!”
The ambassador of a small African nation chanced to visit Russia, and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador.
For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer.
On the final day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said, “As your stay is coming to an end, it is time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette.”
“One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger.”
This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers.
Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief.
The African ambassador was much impressed with the couragous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year.
When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay.
Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke, “Now it is time for you to sample our game, African roulette”.
So saying, he led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six beautiful, nакеd women.
The African ambassador said, “These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will give you a оrаl sеx - take your pick”.
The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn’t see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said, “Well, ok, great, but where’s the roulette part? Where’s the danger?”
With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador answered,”One of them’s a cannibal.”
