Trump’s first day at the Oval Office. First briefing by the CIA, Pentagon, FBI:
Trump: We must destroy ISIS immediately.
CIA: We cannot do that, sir. We created them along with Turkey, Saudi, Qatar and others.
Trump: The Democrats created them.
CIA: We created ISIS, sir. You need them or else you would lose funding from the natural gas lobby.
Trump: Stop funding Pakistan. Let India deal with them.
CIA: We can’t do that. It is Modi in India and not Manmohan.
Trump: So what?
CIA: Modi will cut Balochistan out of Pak.
Trump: I don’t care.
CIA: India will have peace in Kashmir. They will stop buying our weapons. They will become a superpower. We have to fund Pakistan to keep India busy in Kashmir.
Trump: But you have to destroy the Taliban.
CIA: Sir, we can’t do that. We created the Taliban to keep Russia in check during the 80s. Now they are keeping Pakistan busy and away from their nukes.
Trump: We have to destroy terror sponsoring regimes in the Middle East. Let us start with the Saudis.
Pentagon: Sir, we can’t do that. We created those regimes because we wanted their oil. We can’t have democracy there, otherwise their people will get that oil - and we cannot let their people own it.
Trump: Then, let us invade Iran.
Pentagon: We cannot do that either, sir.
Trump: Why not?
CIA: We are talking to them, sir.
Trump: What? Why?
CIA: We want our stealth drone back. If we attack them, Russia will obliterate us as they did to our buddy ISIS in Syria. Besides we need Iran to keep Israel in check.
Trump: Then let us invade Iraq again.
CIA: Sir, our friends (ISIS) are already occupying 1/3rd of Iraq.
Trump: Why not the whole of Iraq?
CIA: We need the Shi’ite gov’t of Iraq to keep ISIS in check.
Trump: I am banning Muslims from entering US.
FBI: We can’t do that.
Trump: Why not?
FBI: Then our own population will become fearless.
Trump: I am deporting all illegal immigrants to south of the border.
Border patrol: You can’t do that, sir.
Trump: Why not?
Border patrol: If they’re gone, who will build the wall?
Trump: I am banning H1Bs.
USCIS: You cannot do that.
Trump: Why?
Chief of staff: If you do so we’ll have to outsource White House operations to Bangalore. Which is in India.
Trump: What the hеll should I do???
CIA: *Enjoy the White House, sir! We will take care of the rest!!!*
God bless America!
One day in Czarist Russia, a poor old man and his very young daughter were on their way to town. They put all of their earthly possessions in the back of a donkey driven wagon in hopes of selling some of them to make money. As they were traveling, up the road they saw a small group of Cossacks. They braced themselves expecting the worst. Inevitably, the Cossacks ride up to the wagon and begin harassing the old man and his daughter. Eventually, the Cossacks knock the old man and his daughter off the cart and ride off with the Donkey and Wagon.
The old man sits on the side of the road and begins sobbing…
Daughter asks, “Papa, papa, what’s the matter?”
To which the old man responds,”Don’t you see? They’ve taken everything we had!”
“Not everything…”, The daughter responds, to which she takes out a small rolled up cloth, which she unrolls to reveal some jewelry and gems.
The old man’s eyes widen, “How did you manage to hide that?”
She answered, “When I saw them further up the road, I took them, rolled them up in this cloth and hid them in my - uh - hoo-ha.”
To which the old man starts crying hysterically…
“Papa, what’s wrong now?”
“Oh if only your sainted mother were still alive…we could have saved the whole wagon!”
There was a man who had a pool installed. It was a very elaborate pool with tiles imported from Russia. One day, he walked out to his wonderful pool to find it covered with algae. He quickly called the fellow who had installed the pool and asked him what he should do. "It's obvious," said the pool man, "you need to get a couple of porpoises."
"Porpoises?" inquired the man. "Yes, the porpoises will eat the algae, and you'll be the only person on your block to have porpoises." So the man bought two porpoises, and they ate the algae and gave the man someone to swim with, that is, until the porpoises got extremely sick. The man immediately called his friend, who was a marine biologist. "You know," said the friend, "if you feed porpoises seagulls, they will liven forever." So, the man drove to a pet store that specialized in exotic pets and bought two sacks full of seagulls. On his way home, a disturbing message screeched from the car radio. The announcer said that the lion had escaped from the state zoo, but no one should worry because the lion was quite old and had lost all of his teeth. The man breathed a sigh of relief. When he got home, oddly enough, the lion was sleeping on his front porch. The man decided he'd call the police later about the lion and, seagulls in hand, stepped over the lion. Then, the police drove up and arrested the man. Why? For transporting gulls over the state lion for immortal porpoises.