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School Jokes

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My girlfriend was acting very immature so i said "look, if you wana act like a child il treat you like one".
Next thing i knew she was in a school uniform sitting on my lap calling me daddy, this went on for a good 20 mins or so until i remembered "shiт its 8:30!, your gonna be late for school".
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Comeback Queen #1: Rich or Poor I care no more.
Ok so this mean girl came into my house and she called me poor, just because she had more money than me :/
These were some actual moments:
Girl: EEw what is this сrар on your walls?
Me: a mirror.
Later:
Girl: Hey ha ha I have Subway Surfers on my phone.
Me: Cool so do I.
Girl: YOU have a PHONE?
Me: yeah *shows phone*
Girl: ha ha but there are cracks in it!
Me: speaking of cracks and buts, you should pull up your pants.
Later:
Girl: well noow that I'm leaving might as well give you advice.
Me: which is?
Girl: avoid your face!
Me: I don't have time cuz I'm already avoiding yours.
Girl: GRRR hey where did you get your сrар clothes?!?!?!
Me: The same place you got your life.
Girl: Did you google these comebacks?!!?!? (lol some of them yesh)
Me: Did you google your insults?
Girl: go back your cage! I'm going to my large condo!
Me: Yeah Неll's pretty big, isn't it?
Girl: of course you'd know that.
Me: I know lots of things because I'm not home schooled. ( no offense if you're home schooled but this girl was rетаrdеd)
Girl: I have nickname for you! WANNABE!
Me: I have lots of nicknames for you right now.
Girl: I HAVE THE POWER TO SUE YOU!
Me: you're lucky you don't have the power to read minds.
Girl: That's it! I'm leaving! *gets in car* BYE POOR KIDS!
MY friend: that suскs she gets the last word.
Me: Nope. I put some bug attractor in her hair spray.
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Mean Girl @ school: Ugh, you are so ugly, you will never be as perfect as us!
Me: Oh, I could get plastic surgery for my ugliness, you on the other hand will be sтuрid for eternity! Mean girl: OH НЕLL NAW
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Why are teachers happy at Halloween parties? Because there is lots of school spirit!
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With high-definition TV everything looks вiggеr and wider. Kind of like going to your 25th high school reunion
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My wife and I take turns walking our five-year-old daughter to the bus stop for school every morning. Today was my turn, and as me and all the other moms in the neighborhood waited, one of them asked me to say hello to my wife.
"I will," I said. "It'll make her feel better. She has pneumonia."
"Oh, poor girl," they all said in unison. One of them crooked her eyebrow at me and said,
"I hope you're helping her with the kids, the cooking and cleaning."
"I can't," I said pointing to the band aid on my index finger. "I have a hangnail."
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Sеx education may be a good idea in the schools but, I don' think they should be given homework.
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A mom was concerned about her Kindergarten son walking to school. He didn't want his mother to walk with him. She wanted to give him the feeling that he had some independence, but yet know that he was safe.
So, she had an idea of how to handle it. She asked a neighbor if she would please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance, so he probably wouldn't notice her.
She said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed.
The next school day, the neighbor and her little girl set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor boy he knew. She did this for the whole week.
As the boys walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy's little friend noticed the same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week. Finally, he said to Timmy, "Have you noticed that lady following us to school all week? Do you know her"?
Timmy nonchalantly replied, "Yeah, I know who she is."
The friend said,
"Well, who is she"?
"That's just Shirley Goodnest," Timmy replied. "And her daughter Marcy."
"Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she and why is she following us"?
"Well," Timmy explained. "Every night, my mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers, because she worries about me so much. And in the Psalm, it says, 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life,' so I guess I'll just have to get used to it!"
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Isn't that -- at my age -- isn't that illegal? I mean, isn't that like me hanging around in front of a grammar school with a van and a kitten? Dirтy.
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When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad.
He said,
"I want my daughter back by 8:15."
I said,
"The middle of August? Cool!"
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There is this African-American kid that goes to school and notices that the teachers treat the white kids better than the kids of color.
So he goes home and paints himself white and shows his dad.
Hey dad look im white! His dad kicks his аss, and says alright go show your mother.
Hey mom look im white! His mom beats the sh1t out of him then tells him to go show his grandma.
Hey grandma look im white, she beats his аss (Big Momma style) and sends him to his room.
About an hour later all the family comes to his room and says have you learned anything from this?
The kid says yeah ive learned I have only been white for an hour and I already hate 3 black people.
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*everyone in class talking at once*
Teacher: *yell's* WHY DO I HEAR TALKING
James: *yell's* CAUSE YOU HAVE EAR'S YOU DUMB АSS ВIТСН!
Teacher: James's can you please step outside of the class for a minute
*kid's in the back with air horn's make MLG horn sound's*
I legit no joke did this at school
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A little boy came home eating a big candy bar. Seeing the candy bar, his mother remembered he had already spent all his allowance money. Surprised, she asked him where he got it.
"I bought it at the store with the dollar you gave me," he said.
"But that dollar was for Sunday School," his mother replied.
Smiling, the boy said,
"I know, Mom, but the Pastor met me at the door and got me in for free!"
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Little Kelvin's darkest day was when he was asked by his mathematics teacher to solve a problem on the board. The question was asking for the answer to 2+3.
He knew he couldn't solve that so he glanced towards his bright friend for help. His friend willing to help but fearing to speak out loud, showed him his palm as a silent indication to the answer.
So little Kelvin drew the palm.
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A student in chemistry class was instructed to create a new substance by mixing some special ingredient with water. But the student chose the wrong ingredient and the teacher realized mixing it with water would create an explosion.
He stopped the student and asked him to first stir the water in the bucket for five minutes before adding the ingredient. The student wanted to know what that would accomplish.
The teacher answered, "It will give me time to get away."
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How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher, or an airline stewardess?
A nurse says:
"This won't hurt a bit." A schoolteacher says,
"We're going to have to do this over and over
Again until we get it right." An airline stewardess says,
"Just hold this over your mouth and nose, and breath
Normally."
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A Sunday school teacher wanted to stimulate her first grade class as the lesson started by asking them, "Do you want to go to heaven today?" All but one of the ten children raised their hands enthusiastically. Everyone but Susie.
"Susie, don't you want to go to heaven?" she asked.
"Yes, I do." Susie replied
"Well, why did you not raise your hand when I asked if you want to go to heaven?"
"I really want to go to heaven, but not with these guys," she replied.
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One man asked a schoolboy, "How old is your father?"
The boy replied, "He is 8 years old."
Man:
"What?"
Boy:
"Because he became a father when I was born 8 years ago."
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