I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.
I asked them, “If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven”?
“NO”! the children answered.
“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven”?
Again, the answer was, “NO”! By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun!
“Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven”?” I asked them again.
Again, they all answered, “NO”! I was just bursting with pride for them. Well, I continued, “then how can I get into Heaven”?
A six-year-old boy shouted out, “YOU GOTTA BE Fuскing DEAD
I’m Tired!
Yes, I’m tired. For several years I’ve been blaming it on getting older, lack of sleep, weekend projects, stale office air, poor nutrition, carrying extra pounds, raising a family, recent colds, and a dozen other reasons that make you wonder why life is getting rough. .
But now I found out what’s really happening! I’m tired because I’m overworked. The population of the USA reached 300 million last October. 79 million of the populations are retired. That leaves 221 million to do the work. There are 19 million toddlers and 76 million students in schools, which leave 126 million to do the work. Of that total, 21 million are unemployed leaving 105 million to do the work.
Then you take away 34 million in hospitals and that leaves 71 million to do the work. 43 million are in prisons and that’s 28 million left to do the work. Now take away 14,683,468 federal, 5,344,722 state and 5,370,743 city workers who run our government and you’re left with 2,601,067 to do the work. Take away the 2,601,065 people in the armed forces and that leaves just two people to do the work - You and Me! And you’re just sitting there reading this!
No wonder I’m tired!!!
An English lady, while visiting Switzerland, was looking for a room, and she asked the schoolmaster if he could recommend any to her. He took her to see several rooms, and when everything was settled, the lady returned to her home to make the final preparations to move.
When she arrived home, the thought suddenly occurred to her that she had not seen a “W. C.” [water closet, a euphemism for toilet] around the place. So she immediately wrote a note to the schoolmaster asking him if there were a “W. C.” around. The [Swiss] schoolmaster was a very poor student of English, so he asked the [Swiss] parish priest if he could help in the matter. Together they tried to discover the meaning of the letters “W. C.,” and the only solution they could find for the letters was “Wayside Chapel.” The schoolmaster then wrote to the English lady the following note:
Dear Madam,
I take great pleasure in informing you that the W. C. is situated nine miles from the house you occupy, in the center of a beautiful grove of pine trees surrounded by lovely grounds. It is capable of holding 229 people and it is open on Sunday and Thursday only. As there are a great number of people and they are expected during the summer months, I would suggest that you come early: although there is plenty of standing room as a rule. You will no doubt be glad to hear that a good number of people bring their lunch and make a day of it; while others who can afford to go by car arrive just in time. I would especially recommend that your ladyship go on Thursday when there is a musical accompaniment. It may interest you to know that my daughter was married in the W. C. and it was there that she met her husband. I can remember the rush there was for seats. There were ten people to a seat ordinarily occupied by one. It was wonderful to see the expression on their faces. The newest attraction is a веll donated by a wealthy resident of the district. It rings every time a person enters. A bazaar is to be held to provide plush seats for all the people, since they feel it is a long felt need. My wife is rather delicate, so she can’t attend regularly. I shall be delighted to reserve the best seat for you if you wish, where you will be seen by all. For the children, there is a special time and place so that they will not disturb the elders. Hoping to have been of service to you, I remain.
Sincerely,
The Schoolmaster
The Farmer’s Kids
A farmer has three sons. One day, his oldest boy comes to him and pleads with him that he is graduating from school and would really like to get a car. His father says, “Son, come with me.” He takes him to the barn and points to the farm tractor and says, “That tractor is needed here on the farm and I promise that as soon as it’s paid for, we’ll get you a car.” The boy was not too happy but he did understand that situation and said, “Okay, Dad.”
A week later, his second son (10 years old) approaches him wanting a new two-wheel bicycle. Well, he gets the same excuse … “as soon as that tractor is paid for…”
A few days later, son number three, (6 years old) his youngest, comes bugging him for a tricycle. Again, ‘ol Dad gives him the lecture about the tractor being paid for first.
While leaving the barn, the young boy, more than a little disgusted with the whole thing, sees a rooster shаgging one of the hens and promptly goes over and kicks the rooster off the hen’s back, mumbling to himself the whole time.
His dad says, “Son, why on earth would you do something like that? He didn’t do anything to you to deserve that!”
The little boy looks Dad right square in the eye and says, “Hey, nobody rides anything around here until that freakin’ tractor is paid for.”