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School Jokes

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I was tucking my son in last night, and he tells me that he hates his teacher. She's 'an idiот' and she's 'out to get him,' which is the last thing you want to hear when your kid's home schooled.
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Teacher: When does three come before two?
Student: In the dictionary!
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My sister used to wake me up late at night, tell me it was time for school. Did that every night -- drove me nuts. Of course, it was always a relief to find out it wasn't time for school, but then I had to walk back home.
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“What are you learning at school now, Sue? Asked her Granny.
“French, German, and we’ve just started Algebra.”
“Really?” said the old lady, impressed. “I used to learn French and German but
I have never heard anyone speak Algebra.”
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Teacher: You are suppose to come at 7am!
Student: What?! What happened on 7am? What did I miss?
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The teacher walks in and finds an apple on her desk with the letters “ILU” written on it. The teacher asks who left it. A little white girl raises her hand. Well sweetie, what does “ILU” mean? The little girl replies, “I love you.” The teacher says, “Isn’t that sweet,” and continues with class.
The next day the teacher finds a banana on her desk with the letters “YAS” written on it. The teacher asks who left and what does it mean. A little white boy raises his hand and says, “It means, You are special.”
“Thank you sweetheart”, the teacher says.
The following day, the teacher walks in to find a watermelon with the letters “FUСК” written on it. The enraged teacher asks who left it and if they know what that means. A little black girl raises her hand and cheerfully says, “Yes maam, I left it. It means, from us colored kids!”.
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Teacher: where is your homework?
Kid: at home.
Teacher: why is it at home?
Kid: it's called HOME work for a reason.
Teacher: are you being smart with me!
Kid: this IS school isn't it? Aren't you supposed to be smart.
Teacher:...
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A college professor asked his class a question. "If Philadelphia is 100 miles from New York and Chicago is 1000 miles from Philadelphia and Los Angles is 2000 miles from Chicago, how old am I?"
One student in the back of the class raised his hand and when Called upon said,
"Professor you're 44.."
The Professor said,
"You're absolutely correct, but tell me, how did you arrive at the answer so quickly?"
The student said,
"You see professor, I have a brother; he's 22, and he's only half crazy."
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It was the firs day of school, and the first grade teacher decided to see how much her students knew about math.
“Steven, can you tell me what is 3 and 2?” Steven said, “That’s when you should watch very, very carefully before you swing at the next pitch.”
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Little Emily went home from school and told her mum that the boys kept asking her to do cartwheels because ‘you’re very good at them’.
Mum said, “You should say “No” cos they only want to look at your knickers.”
Emily said, “Oh I know they do. That’s why I hide them in my bag”!
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How school works:
In class: 2+2=4.
Homework: 2+4+2=8.
Exam: John had 4 apples. He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
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Apparently a Prep School in Ascot is requiring every under 12 student to buy an iPad instead of using textbooks.
That’s nothing.
In China they’re requiring every under 5 student to MAKE an iPad instead of using textbooks.
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Q. What did the Muslim man say to his wife on their wedding day?
A. “I’m so happy… that you managed to get the day off school today”.
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A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?"
One child blurted out, "Aces!"
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Confusius say,boy who brings ladder to school must be in High School.
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I knocked on my neighbour’s door and said, “Your daughter owes me a new van. I’ve just crashed into a tree because of her.”
“You must be mistaken,” she replied, “our daughter is upstairs getting changed out of her school uniform”
I said, “I know, she’s left the curtains open.”
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How people deal with insults
Pre-school: *cries* I'm telling
Primary school: Go away, leave me alone
Middle school: Get sucked
High school: You got a problem b*tch?
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When I arrived for my daughter’s parent-teacher conference, the teacher seemed a bit flustered, especially when she started telling me that my little girl didn’t always pay attention in class and was sometimes a little flighty.
“For example, she’ll do the wrong page in the workbook,” the teacher explained, “and I’ve even found her sitting in the wrong desk.”
“I don’t understand that,” I replied defensively. “Where could she have gotten that?”
The teacher went on to reassure me that my daughter was still doing fine in school and was sweet and likable. Finally, after a pause, she added, “By the way, Mrs. Johnson, our appointment was for tomorrow.”
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