School Jokes

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At Cambridge University, a bright young student showed up for the exam and asked the proctor to bring him cakes and ale.
Proctor: I beg your pardon?
Student: Sir, I request that you bring me cakes and ale.
Proctor: Sorry, no.
Student: Sir, I really must insist. I request and require that you bring me cakes and ale.
At this point, the student produced a copy of the four hundred-year-old Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin and still nominally in effect, and pointed to the section that read (roughly translated):
"Gentlemen sitting in examinations may request and require cakes and ale."
Pepsi and hamburgers were judged the modern equivalent, and the student sat there, writing his examination and happily eating and slurping away.
Three weeks later, the student was fined five pounds for not wearing a sword to the examination.
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Two residents of the town voted the dumbest city in the United States went to the local library to find out the origins of this dubious honor. Pouring through the original charters and reproductions of documents on microfiche, they came to some stunning conclusions.
"They didn't even know how to plot out the parcels of land to establish the city limits," said Tom.
"And the first mayor didn't even graduate from high school," added William.
"Looks like they wrote out the township's constitution on toilet paper," Tom remarked.
"Yeah, and look at the picture of the first city council. Who drew question marks above their heads?" asked William.
"It seems like right from the beginning, stupidity was the order of the day." Tom lamented.
At the next council meeting Tom and William went before the citizens and told them everything they had learned about how their city had its initial beginnings. Needless to say, the town was dumbfounded.
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A mom concerned about her kindergarten son's safety walking to school but not wanting to embarrass him, asked a neighbor if she would follow him but not too close for him to notice. The neighbor Mrs. Goodnest said no problem since she needed to take her toddler Marcy for a walk. The next day Mrs. Goodnest and her girl Marcy followed the boys. After a week of being followed a friend asked Timmy if he noticed the lady following them. Timmy said yes. His friend asked if he knew her. Timmy said yes, she is Shirley Goodnest and her daughter Marcy. His friend asked why was she following them. Timmy answered; well every night my mom makes me say the 23rd psalm with my prayers. In the psalm it says, “Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life" so I'll just have to get use to it.
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Two southern ladies are sitting at the country club by the pool. The first southern lady says,
"When I had my first child, my husband bought me a diamond ring." The second lady says,
"Well, isn't that nice."
The first lady says,
"When my second child was born, my husband took me on a cruise." The second lady says,"well isn't that nice The first lady continues, "When my third child was born, my husband took me on a trip around the world." And the second lady says, once again, "Well, isn't that nice."
The first lady asks, "Well, what did your husband get you when your first child was born?" The second lady repiles, "My husband sent me to finishing school." The first lady asks, "Well why did he do that?" And the second lady says,
"So I could learn to say ‘Well isn't that nice,’ instead of ‘F**K YOU’!"
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