Sex Jokes

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Q: What's the worst part about sеx?
A: When they wake up!

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Two rednecks, Bubba And Billy Bob, were walking through a pasture.
Bubba sees a sheep caught up in a fence and says to Billy Bob "I'm gonna get me some of that"!
Bubba goes over and sticks the sheep's back feet in his rubber boots, unzips his pants and starts to have sеx with the sheep.
He looks over his shoulder at Billy Bob and says "Do you want some of this"?
Billy Bob replies "yes let me see if I can get my shirt caught up in the fence".

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Holy mother, full of grace Bless my boyfriend's gorgeous face
Bless his hair that tends to curl
Keep him safe from all the girls
Bless his arms that are so strong
Keep his hands where they belong
Bless his diск, the one i sucked
Bless the bed, in which we fucked
And if my Mom happened to walk in
Bless the shiт I'd be in.

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My German girlfriend likes to rate my sеxuаl performances on a scale of 1-10.
Last night we tried аnаl. She kept yelling 9. That's the best I've ever done.

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Once a blonde wanted to go to her boyfriend's home.
Her mom advised her: "My sweet whenever your boy friend wanted to touch your pants tell him there is a hot oven so your hand will burn."
Next day her mom asked her daughter: "Had you a good day?"
The blonde answered: "It was the best day in my life because when my boyfriend touched my pants I told him: 'There is a hot oven and your hand would damage!' But he urged me that I've one hot dog and I wanna to cook it for several times he put his hot dog in my pants and then he put it in my mouth for confident whether it has been cooked or not."

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One day while doing door-to-door market research, this guy knocks on a door and is greeted by a beautiful young housewife.
"Hello," he starts, "I'm doing some research for a petroleum jelly manufacturer. Have you ever used the product?"
"Yes. My husband and I use it during se-x," she answers.
The researcher is taken aback.
"Um, er, I admire you for your honesty," he continues. "Can you tell me exactly how you use it?"
"Sure, we put it on the doorknob so the kids can't get in."

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A girlfriend said to me during sеx that I should be a little more graceful, so I went to ballet classes!

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Q: How is a casino like a woman?
A: Liquor in the front, poker in the back.

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Husband: "Shall we try a different position tonight?"
Wife: "That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fаrт."

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Tow millipedes went for honey moon.
The male one asked: "My darling, between which feet is your рussy, please?"

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A Yankee from Chicago and a Texan were talking.
The Yankee said, "s*ex is so easy where I'm from we just walk up and stick it in."
The Texan said, "where I'm from we stick it in and walk up."

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Two friends who had not seen each other for awhile met at a bar.
"Hey, your wife just had a birthday recently, didn't she? Did you get her anything special?"
"Yeah, I got her a pair of slippers and a dildо."
"A pair of slippers and a dildо?"
"Yeah, I said 'If you don't like the slippers, you can go fuск yourself.' "

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Are you a candle?
Because I want to вlоw you.

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I just had an argument with a girl I know.
She was saying how that it's unfair that if a guy fuскs a different girl every week, he's a legend, but if a girl fuскs just two guys in a year, she's a sluт.
So in response, I told her that if a key opens lots of locks, then it's a master key.
But if a lock is opened by lots of keys, then it's a shiттy lock.
That shut her up.

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A furniture store keeps calling me.
But all I wanted was one night stand.

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A redneck family shares one vehicle, the daughter asks her dad for the truck.
The father says "okay, you know what to do."
Then continues to lower his pants, the daughter says "daddy why's there shiт on your diск."
The father then replies "ohhhh, that's right honey, your brother has the truck."

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Your beauty is why God invented eyeballs, but your воотy is why God invented my ваlls!

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Two men were talking:
First :
"Can U put the word 'реnis' in a sentence?"
Second:
"Yo mama's рussy."

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