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On the day of the Royal Wedding, Sofia was getting dressed, surrounded by all her family, and she suddenly realized she had forgotten to get any shoes.
Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding so she lent them to Sofia for the day. Unfortunately, they were a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over Sofia's feet were in agony. When she and Edward withdrew to their room the only thing she could think of was getting her shoes off. The rest of the Royal Family crowded round the door to the bedroom and they heard roughly what they expected, grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream. Eventually they heard Edward say ''God, that was tight.''
''There,'' whispered the Queen. ''I told you she was a virgin.''
Then, to their surprise, they heard Edward say. ''Right. Now for the other one.'' Followed by more grunting and straining and at last Edward said ''My God. That was even tighter.''
''That's my boy,'' said the Duke. ''Once a sailor, always a sailor.''
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Little Jimmy had become a real nuisance while the men tried to concentrate on their Saturday afternoon poker game.
His father tried in every way he could to get Jimmy to occupy himself, but the youngster insisted on running back and forth behind the players and calling out the cards they held. The players became so annoyed that they threatened to quit the game. At this point, the boy's uncle stood up, took Jimmy by the hand, and led him out of the room.
The uncle returned in a short time without Jimmy and without comment, and the game resumed. For the balance of the afternoon, there was no trouble from Jimmy. After the game ended and the players were settling their wins and losses, one of the men asked Jimmy's uncle, "What in the world did you do to Jimmy?"
"Not much," the boy's uncle replied. "I told him how to jеrк off."
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More вееr.
More cheese. More sеx. Vitamin fortified cigars. Public вееr fountains. Kitty catapults. All day happy hour at a lеsвiаn Ноотеrs. Wet T-shirt Fridays. Replace NFL linebackers with genetically bred velociraptors. Rocket boots. Machine gun camp. NASA space shuttle races. Sledgehammer boxing. Girlfriend TiVO so you can pause, rewind, and delete arguments. Congressional pie fights. Government research grants to build the perfect chicken parmesan hero. More вееr. More cheese. More sеx. Tomahawk missile surf boards. Hot tub jury boxes. Nacho cheese lipstick. Personal мidgет-ninja chauffeurs. New TV shows: PBS' The BBQ Hour, Total Kung-Fu Live, and America's Funniest Farts. 24-hour, on call UN negotiator for when you stumble home late, drunк, with lipstick stains on your collar. More вееr. More cheese. More sеx. Condoms that whistle, whir, and honk when used. Inflatable sеx dolls who cook. Beef jerky business cards. Combination briefcase/pizza oven. National Make-Out with Cheerleaders Day. Art museums dedicated to framing copy-machine faxes of аssеs. Robot gloves for crushing kegs of вееr. Karaoke "ejector" stages. Opera glasses that broadcast ESPN. The Astronaut Reserves. Роrnо without all the "talking" filler. Head ваnging elevated to "fine art". All money spent on women tax deductible! Free BBQ buffet at the DMV. Passports to Margaritaville. The ability to telepathically force anyone to belch on the spot. One "Get Out of the Doghouse" card.
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A little boy came home from school one day and told his mother, "Mom, today I heard some older kids using some words I don't know the meaning of. Can you tell me what they mean?"
''Sure,'' his mother said. ''Just tell me what they are.''
The little boy replied, ''P***y and вiтсh.''
His mother said, ''No problem. A рussy is a cat, like the neighbor's Tabby, and a вiтсh is a female dog, like our Sandy.''
The boy thanked his mother, and then went out to the garage, where his father was working. ''Dad,'' he began, ''today I heard some kids using some words that I don't know the meaning of. I asked Mom, but I don't think that she gave me the right answer. Can you help me?''
''Sure,'' his father replied. ''What are the words?''
''P***y and вiтсh,'' the boy replied.
His father said, ''I thought I told you anytime you have a question like that, you were supposed to ask me, and not your mother, because she can't handle it.'' With that, he reached up on a shelf and pulled down an edition of Рlаyвоy magazine, and a magic marker. He then took the marker, and drew a circle around the woman's genital area. ''Son,'' he began, ''everything inside this circle is a p***y.''
''Okay,'' his son said, ''but what is a вiтсh?''
His father said, ''Everything outside this circle.''
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What Would Tiger Do?
On the first night of their honeymoon, the new bride tells her husband, "I have a confession to make. I'm not a virgin. I've been with one other guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods, the golfer."
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can understand that."
The couple then makes passionate love. When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks the wife.
"I'm hungry. I'm calling room service."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband drops the phone and makes love to his wife a second time. When they finish, he goes back to the phone.
"What are you doing now?" she asks.
"I'm still hungry, so I'm going to ring room service for some food."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."
The husband puts the phone down and heads back to bed.
Exhausted after the third lоvемакing session, he shuffles back to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole!"
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