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A woman calls a clinic and says she hasn't been able to sleep because her dog snores too loudly.
The doctor told her to tie a ribbon around his ваlls and he will shutup. The woman goes to her bedroom and sees her dog lieing on the floor snoring. She gets a red ribbon and ties it around his ваlls. The dog stops snoring. The woman goes to sleep.
After a while, her husband comes home drunк. He lays in bed and falls fast asleep. He starts to snore loudly so the woman gets a blue ribbon and ties it around his ваlls. The next morning the woman gets up and goes to work. The man wakes up and sees the blue ribbon on his ваlls. Then he looks down at the dog and sees the red ribbon around his ваlls. The guy says to the dog, ''I don't know what we did lasst night, but we got first and second place!'''
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On the day of the Royal Wedding, Sofia was getting dressed, surrounded by all her family, and she suddenly realized she had forgotten to get any shoes.
Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding so she lent them to Sofia for the day. Unfortunately, they were a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over Sofia's feet were in agony. When she and Edward withdrew to their room the only thing she could think of was getting her shoes off. The rest of the Royal Family crowded round the door to the bedroom and they heard roughly what they expected, grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream. Eventually they heard Edward say ''God, that was tight.''
''There,'' whispered the Queen. ''I told you she was a virgin.''
Then, to their surprise, they heard Edward say. ''Right. Now for the other one.'' Followed by more grunting and straining and at last Edward said ''My God. That was even tighter.''
''That's my boy,'' said the Duke. ''Once a sailor, always a sailor.''
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Little Jimmy had become a real nuisance while the men tried to concentrate on their Saturday afternoon poker game.
His father tried in every way he could to get Jimmy to occupy himself, but the youngster insisted on running back and forth behind the players and calling out the cards they held. The players became so annoyed that they threatened to quit the game. At this point, the boy's uncle stood up, took Jimmy by the hand, and led him out of the room.
The uncle returned in a short time without Jimmy and without comment, and the game resumed. For the balance of the afternoon, there was no trouble from Jimmy. After the game ended and the players were settling their wins and losses, one of the men asked Jimmy's uncle, "What in the world did you do to Jimmy?"
"Not much," the boy's uncle replied. "I told him how to jеrк off."
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