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A traveling salesman approached an old farmhouse and noticed the strange behavior of the couple inside.
The woman was running the lawn mower over the carpet and the man had one hand dipped in a fish bowl and was playing with himself with the other. The salesman assumed they were crazy and moved on.
After he'd finished his pitch at the next farmhouse, he mentioned what he'd just seen.
''Oh, those folks ain't crazy,'' the farmer said, ''They're both deaf mutes. She was telling him to mow the lawn, and he was telling her to go f**k herself because he was going fishing.''

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What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
Hang on to your nuts here comes one heck of a вlоw job.

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Q: What is green and fuzzy, has four legs and will кill you if it drops from a tree?
A: A pool table.

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Why did the professional baseball player cross the road?
Because his gigantic аss commanded him to.

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Did you hear about the lady at Wal-Mart that was trying on a Dale Earnhardt T-shirt?
She hit the wall three times before she got it off!

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Two explorers are flying over the Amazon. The Plane crashes and the local tribe captures them and takes them prisoner. The King brings the first prisoner in front of the whole tribe. He then asks "What do you choose, death or Bondo?"
The prisoner says, "Ichoose Bondo, I don't want to die." The crowd chants, "BONDO,BONDO UBEO UBEO Then a huge, well-endowed man comes out and screws him and the guy screams. Meanwhile the other guy sees this. Then the king calls for the second prisoner. He comes out and says, "I saw what happened. I choose death."
The Kings says, "No one has chosen death before. He looks at the crowd and asks how the prisoner should die." They shout "DEATH BY BONDO!"

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Two guys are hitting the links at their local golf and country club.
Luckily, it's a beautiful day, and there's hardly anyone on the course, so they've been breezing through the holes. Up around the seventh tee, they spot the first people on the course other than themselves, two ladies who, from the guys' perspective, are having trouble on the green. In fact, they've each five-putted it!
The first guy says ''Сhrisт. I hope they just had a bad hole, I don't want to follow these broads for the next eleven holes!'' The second one goes, ''Well, maybe I'll go talk to them, and maybe they can let us pass them. I'll be back in a sec.''
So he trots off, about to go and ask to let them pass. Suddenly, about a hundred feet away from the women, he stops, turns and runs away from them as fast as he can. When he comes back, he exclaims, ''Jesus! That's my wife and my girlfriend! They're both here! Golfing together! I'm sorry, man, but I can't say anything to them. I'm liable to be killed if they saw me. How about you go ask them?''
So the other guy concurs, and trots off to ask the women if they can pass and get on with their game. Then he stops suddenly, spins around and runs back to his buddy in the same manner. ''What's wrong? What's the matter?'' his friend says. ''Same dамn thing,'' he replies.

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A woman calls a clinic and says she hasn't been able to sleep because her dog snores too loudly.
The doctor told her to tie a ribbon around his ваlls and he will shutup. The woman goes to her bedroom and sees her dog lieing on the floor snoring. She gets a red ribbon and ties it around his ваlls. The dog stops snoring. The woman goes to sleep.
After a while, her husband comes home drunк. He lays in bed and falls fast asleep. He starts to snore loudly so the woman gets a blue ribbon and ties it around his ваlls. The next morning the woman gets up and goes to work. The man wakes up and sees the blue ribbon on his ваlls. Then he looks down at the dog and sees the red ribbon around his ваlls. The guy says to the dog, ''I don't know what we did lasst night, but we got first and second place!'''

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Did you know that Mike Tyson is to appear in the next Batman movie?
He's the Nibbler!

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Mike Tyson finally apologized to Holyfield for biting off his ear.
He said, "Believe it or not, I have learned many things about how to behave in society while I was in jail. So I would like to apologize to Mr. Holyfield for biting his ear in such a beastly way. Next time I promise to use a knife and fork."

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One day mama bear and papa bear were getting a divorce. The judge decided that baby bear was going to live with mama bear. Baby bear started to cry . "Whats wrong?" the judge asked baby bear.
"I dont want to live with mama bear, she abuses me!" said baby bear.
"Then, you can live with papa bear" said the judge. Baby bear started to cry even harder the judge asked him, "Whats wrong?"
Baby bear replied, " I dont want to live with papa bear he abuses me even more than mama bear does."
"Then who do you want to live with?" asked the judge. Baby bear replied, "I want to live with the Baylor Bears, because they don't beat anyone!"

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Jоск Воотy Call... Unnecessary:
Hey ваве, I hear you're into unnecessary roughness. High five!

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How Golf is like Urinating in a Public Restroom:
10. Keep your back straight, knees веnт, feet shoulder width apart.
9. Form a loose grip.
8. Keep your head down.
7. Avoid a quick backswing.
6. Stay out of the water.
5. Try not to hit anybody.
4. If you are taking too long, you should let others go ahead of you.
3. You shouldn't stand directly in front of others.
2. Be quiet while others are about to go.
1. Keep strokes to a minimum.

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What's the difference between sеx and golf?
In golf, a bad hole won't кill you!

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Viаgrа Slogans:
10. The quicker picker upper!
9. One a day, like iron!
8. Get a piece of the rock!
7. You've come a long way, baby!
6. It plumps when you take 'em!
5. Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman!
4. Tastes great, more filling!
3. Viаgrа, built ram tough!
2. Here's the beef! And the number one slogan being considered by Viаgrа:
1. Just do her! Some honorable mentions: **We work harder, so you don't have to **Ten inches long...and growing! **Viаgrа, when it absolutely positively has to be there tonight! **Viаgrа, home of the Whopper! **Viаgrа now is a great time to be silver. **This is your реnis. This is your реnis on Viаgrа. Any questions?

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What do a hockey player and a magician have in common?
Hat tricks.

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Q: What's the difference between a Ford and a golf ball?
A: You can drive a golf ball 200 yards.

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If you have a Virginia Tech football player and a UVA Foootball player in the same car at the same time, who drives?
The state trooper!!"

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