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I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
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My mate asked me for directions today.
“Do a right at that lamppost over there,”I said pointing, “Then walk down about 100 yards, chuck a quick left, then it should be on your right.”
He said, “You’ve totally lost me.”
“Well, I’m not explaining it again,” I said, putting the phone down.
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My girlfriend told me that I’m really shiт at thinking of comebacks.
To which I replied “Haha, nice one.”
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These ‘energy saving’ light-bulbs are вullshiт.
They take just as much effort to sсrеw in as the ordinary ones.
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My girlfriend just said to me, “Did you know, butterflies only live for two days?”
I said, “Honey, I think that’s a myth.”
She said, “No, it’s definitely a butterfly.”
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Ollie’s neighbor Sven had a boy, Sven Junior, who came home one day and asked, “Papa, I have da biggest feet in da third grade. Is dat becuss I’m Norvegian?” …
….
“No,” said Sven, “It’s because you’re NINETEEN.”
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The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did too, she began running so I ran too, she screamed so I screamed as well. I never even saw what we were running from.
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I went into a pet shop today and said, “Can I buy a goldfish?”
The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what star sign it is.”
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I went rabbit shooting this morning.
The owner of the pet shop went fuскing mental.
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$10 says some idiот is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
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Ollie takes Lena to a downtown Minneapolis department store. Lena steps up to the clerk in the department store and says, “Can I try on dat dress in da vindow?”
The clerk responds, “We would really prefer that you try it on in the dressing room.”
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I went fishing at the weekend and there was a bloke splashing around and screaming “I can’t swim” I can’t swim”
“It’s alright mate” I shouted pointing at the nearby sign “It says no swimming anyway”
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I just killed a huge spider crawling along the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big a spider is, nobody steals my fuскing shoe.
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Can’t tell right from wrong anymore.
Stupid names for twins anyway.
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As I walked into a restaurant last night the manager stopped me and said, “I’m really sorry sir, but we have no seats available.”
“Oh right.” I sighed, “Do you mind if I just use your toilet?”
“Not at all.” he replied.
I said, “Great, I’ll have the mixed grill then please.”
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“Can I help you?” asked the shop assistant.
“I’m okay,” I replied. “Just looking.”
“I’ll have to ask you to leave then,” she said.
“Why?” I asked. “I’m not doing any harm.”
“Just get the fuск out!” She snapped, pulling up her knickers. “These are the staff toilets!”
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Whenever i have a headache,i take two asprins and keep away the children,like the bottle says
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I forgot to put the seat belt on my five-year-old boy this morning.
As we were leaving the car park, somebody shouted, “You are an irresponsible father!”
I said, “Who the fсuк was that? Stop the car, son.”
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