Stupid / Dumb Jokes

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A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work.
The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said,
"Your first job will be to sweep out the store."
"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom – I'll show you how."

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In order to attract women I like to use this quote from Shakespeare’s Hamlet, Act III, Scene IV, line 82.
“Hello.”

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Two students talk:
"What are you reading?"
"Quantum physics theory book."
"But why are you reading it upside-down?"
"It makes no difference anyway."

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A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane. Being bored, he turned to the girl and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The girl, who was reading a book, closed it slowly and said to the guy, "What would you like to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the guy. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a соw and a deer all eat the same stuff... grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a соw turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?" The guy thought about it and said, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which the girl replied, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know s**t?"

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A new teacher tries to make use of her psychology courses. The first day of class, she starts by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're sтuрid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stands up. The teacher asks, "Do you think you're sтuрid, Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself."

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A marine general, an army general, and a navy admiral were discussing who had the toughest men.
The army general says, "Alright, I'll prove the army has the toughest men in the country. Private, get over here!"
The private reports as ordered, "Yes sir?"
The general says, "See that man over there? Кill him!"
Without hesitating, the private kills the man.
The general says, "See? That man has ваlls!"
The marine general says, "That's nothing. Private, get over here!"
The marine private reports, "Yes, sir?".
The marine general says, "See that man over there? Кill him and then кill yourself."
Without blinking, the marine private pulls out his M-16 and blows away the guy, then turns the rifle on himself and unloads several rounds.
The marine general says, "See? Now that man has ваlls!"
The admiral says, "That's nothing."
He calls to a sеамаn high up on a tower, "Hey, sеамаn, jump off that tower!"
The sеамаn answers, "Excuse me, sir?"
The admiral repeats, "JUMP OFF THAT TOWER!"
The sеамаn replies, "Fuск you, sir!"
The admiral says, "See? That man has ваlls and he's got brains too!"

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There were these two blonds and they locked their keys in their car.
The one blonde says to the other, "What do we do? Do we get a coat hanger and pick the lock?"
The other one replied, "No, people will think we're trying to break in."
The other one said, "Well do we get a knife and cut the rubber and pop the lock?"
The other one answered," No, people will think we're too sтuрid to use the coat hanger."
The other one said, "Well we better think of something quick because it's starting to rain and the sunroof is open."

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The barbershop was crowded, so the woman at the cash register offered to put my name on the waiting list.
"What is it?" she asked.
"Stephen, with a P-H," I said.
Minutes later, a chair opened up, and my name was called: "Pheven?"

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You're a redneck if:
- You have more fingers than you do teeth
- You cut your grass and find a car
- You consider Denny's a Fancy Restaurant
- Your best Suit contains more than 5 colors
- Your age is higher than your I.Q.
- Your favorite pickup line is "Does this look infected to you?"
- You ask your wife whether the spot on your neck is a boil or a mole and she replies "It's a gummy bear."
- You have a family reunion and everyone in town shows up.
- You say "Watch this" every time before you go to the hospital.
Your wife and ex-wife are sisters.

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A redneck calls up the White House and tells the receptionist: "I'd like to become the next President of the United States."
The receptionist: "What are you, an idiот?"
Redneck: "Why, is it required?"

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While reading the newspaper, Walter came across an article about a beautiful actress and model who married a boxer who was not noted for his IQ.
"I'll never understand," he said to his wife, "why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."
His wife replied: "Thank you, dear!"

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The only qualification for working at an airline is making a confused face at a monitor.

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A woman called our airline customer-service desk asking if she could take her dog on board.
"Sure," I said, "as long as you provide your own kennel."
I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over.
The customer was flummoxed: "I'll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!"

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A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette all enter the International Вrеаsт Sтrоке Swim across the English Channel.
After about 8 hours, the brunette makes it across, followed shortly by the redhead.
No sign of the blonde.
After 12 hours they decide they'd better go look for her when she pretty much washes up on shore.
They rush over to her and wrap her in warm blankets and give her a hot drink.
After a few minutes, she is breathing easier and says, "I don't like to tattle, but I think those other ladies were using their arms!"

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Suzy asked her big sister Samantha how babies are made. Samantha explains it to her.
"I still don't get it? Can you show me."
Suzy says.
"OK. Tonight, I will let you watch will my boyfriend, Jack and I sсrеw."
That night, Jack laid Samantha 5 times but Suzy still didn't understand.
The next night Jack was tired of Suzy watching so he offered to have sеx with her.
"OK but I don't want Samantha to watch"
So Samantha went outside.
They are in there for almost an hour and when they come out Jack is smiling like crazy.
"That was fun but I still don't get it."
Says Suzy
The next day the same thing happened.
And the next day.
Finally 2 weeks later Samantha comes home crying.
"Whats wrong," Suzy says.
"Jack dumped me. He said there was someone better."
Said Samantha.
"Let's go talk to him maybe we can change his mind," said Suzy.
When they got there Jack said he made up his mind and there was nothing they could do to change it.
Then he asked to speak to Suzy privately.
He pulled off all of Suzy's clothes and started to sсrеw her.
"OK," Jack said kissing Suzy's neck "I broke up with Samantha now tell me how you got to be so good in bed."
"Fine." She replied, "I asked all my other sisters how babies are made."

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"I thought, Miss Smith, that you wanted yesterday afternoon off because you were seeing your dentist?"
"That's right, Sir."
"So how come I saw you coming out of the movie theatre with a friend?"
"That was my dentist."

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Me using the Siri app on my iPhone:
Me: "Siri, call my wife."
Siri: "Samantha McLaughlin is not in your contacts."
Me: "Samantha Gibbs is my wife."
Siri: "I've added Samantha Gibbs as your wife."
Me: "Call my wife."
Siri: "Which wife?"

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Three blondes are stranded on an island.
A fairy comes along and says that she will grant each person a wish.
So the first blonde says she wants to be really smart so she digs and finds a cell phone and calls the Army.
The second blonde says that she wants to be even smarter so she finds a flair and sets it off.
The third blonde says that she wants to be even smarter than both of them, so the fairy changes her hair color to black and she says,"Let's go over the bridge."

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