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This new sundial I bought is useless.
It doesn’t say whether it’s AM or PM.
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A security guard stopped me as I walked out of the supermarket today.
“Can you open the jacket for me please, sir?” he asked.
“Sure,” I replied, unbuttoning it all the way down, “There you go.”
He said, “Thanks, but I meant yours.”
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Teen at Starbucks asked if I could take her selfie. I said that would just be a photo…. She’s still blinking at me.
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What’s the hardest part of telling your son he’s adopted?
For me it was learning Chinese.
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What’s worse than a fly in your soup?
A fly in my soup.
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I started a business selling hot cakes.
They sold reasonably well.
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Before the ‘Iron Age’ I wonder if everything was just creased.
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My wife said”when I loose something why it’s always in the last place I look?”
“Because if you carried on looking for it after you found it you’d be a сunт” I said.
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I was in court today and the judge asked, “How do you plead?”
I replied, “Usually on my knees when I want to fuск my wife. But I’m here for parking on double yellow lines so fine me and fсuк off.”
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I stood up in the restaurant and tapped my spoon on the side of the glass, “Will everyone be quiet, please?”
A hush fell and everybody stared expectantly at me.
“Thank you,” I said.
I don’t like eating when people are talking.
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My wife said I’m an idiот who can’t do the simplest of things right.
So I packed her bags and left.
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My Cousin:
“Dave, this morning your father called.”
Me:
“Great! What did he say?”
My Cousin:
“This is Dave’s father.”
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I Just bought this bargain coat from the House of Frasier proper price £200 quid, I got it for £25. It is supposed to be slightly imperfect but I’ve had a good look all over it and the only thing I can find is one of the sleeves is slightly longer than the other two.
Bargain or what?
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Вlооdy hеll. I was looking forward to this tube of Pringles, but there’s only three in there and they’re all tennis ball flavour.
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For some reason I’m really struggling to sell my house at the moment.
I’ve done everything they’ve recommended…
Painted the walls black.
Painted the floors black.
Painted the ceiling black.
I’m even answering the door in a tin foil suit.
I was told to give the illusion of space.
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Cashier:
“Is that 20 note real?”
Me:
“I should fuскing hope so, it cost me a fiver”.
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I don’t like grudges.
My father kept grudges.
I always hated him for it.
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I called my gorgeous ex today and she said, “Stop stalking me? I have a restraining order against you which says you aren’t allowed within 50 meters of me.”
“I know. I just thought you might like a game of Frisbee later.”
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