Car and driving jokes

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Yo' Mama is so fат, when she wears blue, she looks like a tidal wave.

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A blonde's car breaks down. A cop pulls up and inquires about the group of nакеd men standing next to her car.
The blonde says, "They're my emergency flashers."

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A blonde pushes her BMW into the gas station and tells the mechanic that it died.
After working on it for a few minutes, he has it idling smoothly.
"What's the story?" she asked.
"Just сrар in the carburator," the mechanic replied.
"How often do I have to do that?" asked the blonde.

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"I can't decide whether to buy a bicycle or a соw for my farm."
"Well, wouldn't you look silly riding a соw?"
"I d look a dаrn sight sillier trying to milk a bicycle!"

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This little snail bought a little car and took it to the body shop to have it painted.
The service man asked him exactly what he wanted done, and the snail said he wanted little's s painted all around and all over his car.
The service man asked him why, and the snail answered "When people see me in my car I want them to say, look at that S-Car-Go!"

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There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sеxuаl arousal, particularly in women.
Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.
Steve Martin

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Q: What do you call a white guy who needs to go somewhere across town but does not own an automobile?
A: A taxi.

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Once upon a time, Chuck Norris moved a Mack truck out of his way.
We now know this truck as Optimus Prime.

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Caitlin Jenner and her chauffer were parked on a highway.
When a policeman pulled up and asked "What's going on?"
The driver said "I blew my тrаnny."
The cop didn't know if he should arrest them for indecent exposure or call AAA.

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Guy gets pulled over in his car by a pair of dudes in balaclavas, pointing guns in his face.
Terrorist (menacing voice): "Are you a Catholic or a Protestant?"
Driver, panicking, doesn't know which answer will save his life, has a bright idea.
Driver: "Neither, actually. In fact I'm Jewish."
Terrorist shouts to other terrorist: "Fuскing hеll Abdul, we've got one at last!"

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Two young men who had just graduated from university climbed into a taxi wearing their graduation gowns.
"Are you graduates from the city university?" asked the cab driver.
"Yes, sir," they announced proudly. "Class of "99."
The cabbie extended his hand. "Class of "67."

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Why is the position 69 like driving car in a rush hour traffic?
Cause аsshоlе is always in front of you.

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Driving to work, a gentlman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policmen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.
"I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still going to have to write you a ticket."
Amazed, the driver asked for what.
The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."

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"My wife drives like thunder."
"So fast?"
"No, every minute she strikes a tree."

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I'm going to watch my wedding video later "backwards".
I love the end bit when she takes the ring off, goes back down the aisle and jumps in the car.

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Life is a car wash … and I’m on a bicycle.

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Chuck Norris can power solar panels.
At Night.

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Good News: A busload of lawyers ran off a cliff.
The bus was destroyed and there were no survivors.
Bad News: There were three empty seats.

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