Valentine's Day Jokes, Valentines day

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What do farmers give their wives on Valentine's Day?
Hogs and Kisses!

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You can celebrate Valentine's Day with your heart, I'll celebrate with my liver.

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You know you are a Redneck if you use all red lights at Christmas so you can leave them up until Valentines day

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My friend and I work in a lawn-mower-parts warehouse. He had the idea that his wife did not want a card on Valentine’s Day, but when he spoke to her on the phone, he discovered she was expecting one.

Not having time to buy a card on his way home, he was stuck. Then he looked at the lawn-mower trade magazines scattered around the office and got an idea.

Using scissors and glue, he created a card with pictures of mowers, next to which he wrote: “I lawn for you mower and mower each day.”

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Getting in early this year I’ve just bought my wife a present for Valentine’s Day.
I can’t believe how expensive chocolate is nowadays.
25p for a Freddo is a fuскing disgrace.

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When she got flowers from her husband on Valentine's Day, my daughter quickly opened the card. All it said was, "No."

What did that mean? She called her husband and asked him.

"I didn't attach any message. The florist asked if I had a message and I said, 'No'."

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Why should you send your sweetie a valentine? Because you always heart the one you love.

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Let me tell you why I hate Valentine's Day -- 'cause a few years ago, on Valentine's night, I thought I would have a nice, romantic evening in with a lady. But little did I know, that that same night, her ex-boyfriend thought he would try to win her heart back. And, being the sweet, romantic guy that he is, he thought the best way to do this would be to get all coked up and then jump through a window and try to мurdеr me.

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Saudi text: “Happy Valentines Day xoxo”
Send to Group “Wives”

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I took the missuz out for Valentine’s dinner and she ordered Pelican, which was a feature on the Valentine’s menu.
It was delicious, but the bill was enormous.

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I can't wait until Friday to celebrate valentines day... said no one ever.

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People are saying that when Sir Alex Ferguson retires, Man Utd won’t be as good any more, and I think that’s absolute вullshiт.
Howard Webb still has a good few years left in him.
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If the world does end, I’m standing by Sir Alex Ferguson. That c*nt always seems to get an extra 10 minutes than everybody else.
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Manchester United have successfully renegotiated their contract with referee Howard Webb for next season.
Sir Alex Ferguson has said, “He’s on a no win, no fee basis.”
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Apparently Alex Ferguson received a red card in the tunnel from today’s referee Howard Webb.
It said ‘Happy Valentines day’ on the front.
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David De Gea’s attempt to hand in a transfer request has failed after he dropped it before he could get to Sir Alex Ferguson’s office
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Breaking News - Luis Suares has been arrested for the мurdеr of Whitney Houston. Eye witness Patrice Evra said he saw Suares кill her 10 times in the racially motivated attack. Sir Alex Ferguson has called for the death penalty. Kenny Daglish said he has never heard of Whitney Houston and has questioned whether she has ever actually existed. Referee Howard Webb saw it all.
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Sir Alex Ferguson is helping his Grandson with his maths homework.
“Grandad, what is 90 plus 3?”
“Not enough, that’s a fuскing disgrace!”, He screamed.
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Independent front page says Alex Ferguson will ‘let Rooney go’. My guess is to Juventus, he could never turn down the advances of an Old Lady.
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Alex Ferguson: “Michael, get your tracksuit off, son”
Michael Owen: “Am I going on to save the day, boss?”
Alex Ferguson: “No son… Giggsy’s getting cold.”
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My wife just called me.
She said, “Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day, they are absolutely gorgeous.”
I said, “That’s probably why they’ve received flowers then.”

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What do you say to your single friends on Valentine’s Day?
Happy Independence Day!

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In fourth grade, my son had a huge crush on a classmate. So for Valentine’s Day, he bought her a box of chocolates and took it to school. When I returned home from work, I found him on the couch eating the same box of candy.
"What happened?" I asked.
"Well, I thought about it for a long time," he said between chews. "And I decided that, for now, I still like candy more than girls."

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My wife just sent me a text : ” I just bought you the best Valentines Day present ! xox”
I really hope she misspelt Xbox.

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Things you’ll never hear a wife say
I’ll swallow it all, I love the taste.
Are you sure you’ve had enough to drink?
I’m bored, let’s shave my рussy!
Shouldn’t you be down the pub with your mates?
That fаrт was great! Do another one!
I’ve decided to stop wearing clothes in the house.
You’re so sеxy with a hangover.
I’d rather play Virtua Fighter than go shopping.
Let’s start subscribing to Penthouse.
Would you like to see a video of me going down on my girlfriend?
Just for a change, can we try аnаl sеx tonight?
I really like football, can you take me to a game.
You’d better drive. You’re far safer than I am and besides, everyone knows women can’t drive.
Actually we shouldn’t have been given the vote, we’re better off in the kitchen.
I think a big motorbike is a good idea.
I don’t care if my вuм looks big in this, let’s just go and get рissеd.
We haven’t gone out with your mates for a while, shall we all go to Stringfellows.
Why can’t you let your hair down and have a few vоdка chasers with me.
I know you’re already late for work, but can I gag on it just one more time.
Aim where you like, it’s really good for my skin
You know, I’ve been complaining a lot lately. I don’t blame you for ignoring me.
The new girl in my office is a stripper. I invited her over for dinner on Friday.
Microwave food again? Brilliant.
I liked that wedding even more than ours. Your ex-girlfriend has class.
I love hearing stories about your ex-girlfriends. Tell me more.
Let’s just leave the toilet seat up all the time; then you won’t have to mess with it anymore.
It’s only half time; you should get a few more beers in.
I’m so happy with my new hairstyle, I don’t think I’ll ever change it again.
I love when my pillow smells of fаgs and lager. You passed out before brushing your teeth again, you big silly.
Let’s go shopping so you can check out the womens’ arses.
I’ll be out painting the house.
I love it when you play football on a Sunday. I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too.
Our new neighbour’s daughter is sunbathing again. Come and look.
I know it’s a lot tighter back there, but would you please try again.
No, I’ll take the car to have the oil changed.
Let me pay.
Your mother did a great job raising you. She’s so much better than mine.
Do me a favour and forget that sтuрid Valentine’s Day thing. Save your money for buying вееr.
I understand fully. Our anniversary comes every year.
Oh, not shopping again. Let’s go to the new all-day sтriр club instead.
Look, I make enough money for both of us. Why don’t you retire and get that nagging handicap down to a seven or eight.
Stop getting up for night feedings. You need your sleep.
God, I swear, if I don’t get to вlоw you soon I’m going to burst.
I just signed up for Yoga so I can get my ankles behind my head just for you.

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So I’ve decided that my wifi will be my valentine.
Idk, we just have this connection.

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