Vegan and Vegetarian Jokes

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Vegan Lobster

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First date with a vegan

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Ultra rare picture of a vegan being born

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I'm a vegetarian.
We worshipped animals when we were growing up 'cause my mother was a соw. I'm kidding - my father loves that joke.

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Things Never Said by Southerners:
- Duct tape won't fix that.
- Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
- We don't keep firearms in the house.
- You can't feed that to the dog.
- The kids can't ride in the back of the pickup - it's just not safe.
- Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
- We're vegetarians.
- Do you think my gut is too big?
- Honey, we don't need another dog.
- Who's Richard Petty?
- We could just share a small bag of pork rinds
.- Too many deer heads detract from the decor
.- I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today
.- Is there anything in this restaurant that's NOT fried?
- The tires on that truck are too big.
- I've got it all on the C drive.
- There's too much sugar in this tea.
- Checkmate.
- I believe you cooked those greens too long

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There’s that moment when you put your steak on the grill and your mouth waters all over from that amazing smell.
Do you vegans feel the same when you mow the grass?“

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What do you call a vegan with diarrhea? A smoothie maker.

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An Atheist, a vegan and a CrossFitter walk into a bar. How do you know?

They'll tell you.

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A vegetarian looked at my burger and said, “you know, a соw died so you could have that burger.”
Mid-bite, I looked at his salad and responded,”maybe he died because you keep eating all its fuскing food!”

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Q: How many vegans does it take to eat a bacon cheeseburger? …..
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A: One if nobody’s looking.

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Becoming a vegetarian is a huge missed steak.

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The state dinner at the White House honored the prime minister of India, and the menu was vegetarian. How do you like that for Thanksgiving? No turkey, wrong Indians.

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A vegan, an Italian and a Prius owner walk into a bar.
I know this because they told me when they walked in the door.

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What's a vegan's favorite animal?
A high horse

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I brought a bunch of flowers for my first date with a vegan.
“That’s really sweet,” she said.
“Well I didn’t know what you vegans ate.”

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What are the similarities between vegan cheese and female celebrity?
They’re both full of plastic.

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A vegan, a girl with a boyfriend and a student walk into a bar..
Who tells you first?

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An atheist, a vegan, and a cross fit enthusiast walk into a bar.
And everyone knows because he won't shut up about it.

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