Walks into a Bar, Bar jokes, Bartender jokes

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A man goes into a bar and orders double bourbon. He takes a sip of the drink and says to the bartender:
"I shouldn’t be drinking this with what I’ve got."
The bartender says:
"What have you got".
The man replies:
"30 cents".

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Two emos walk in to a bar.
One says,
"We should hang out sometime!"
The other says,
"Sure, what tree?"

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A doctor worked on the tenth floor of an office building. In the building was a pub, where the doctor had a lemon daiquiri, every day at quitting time. The bartender's name was Diск.
One dyadic found out he didn't have any lemons and no time to get any. So he thought he would make up a hickory daiquiri instead and at the end of the day, the doctor would be too tired to notice.
The doctor sat down, took a sip and said "This isn't a lemon daiquiri, Diск!"... To which Diск replied, "No, it’s a hickory daiquiri, Doc!"

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Hi, wanna be my girlfrien?
I didn’t put the ‘d’ because you’ll get that later.

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Do you work for a bank because you’re not giving me very much interest?

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Bob tells Fred: My wife drives me to drink.
Fred comments: You’re lucky. I have to walk.

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Hi, I overheard you talking with your friend and I’d just like to say that you’re really boring the shiт out of me. Every word you speak is like a pillow over my face.

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Hi, is your dad Irish because my c*ck is Dublin.

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A Jew walks into the bar and the bartender say’s, “Hey why the long nose”

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At a bar Tom said to Bill; “Uncle tried to make a new kind of car. He took wheels from a Cadillac, radiator from a Lexus, tires from a Ford”
“What did he get? Asked Bill
“Two years.” Said Tom

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A man walks into a bar and asks for a вееr. After drinking it, he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another вееr. After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another вееr.
This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him, “Why do you keep looking in your pocket?”
The man replies, “I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I’ll go home.”

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Two drunks are sitting elbow to elbow at a bar. “I wish I knew where I was going to die,” Paul says.
“Why?” asks Tom
“Because if I knew I would not go there “Paul replied.

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“Is there anything wrong?” asked bartender of the young, well-dressed customer who sat staring grimly into his drink. “Two months ago my grandfather died and left me one- hundred thousand dollars” said the man. “That doesn’t sound like anything to be upset about,” said the bartender. “It should happen to me.” “Yeah,” said the sour young man, “but last month an uncle on my father’s side passed away. He left me ninety-five thousand dollars.” “So why are you sitting here looking so unhappy?” Asked the bartender. “This month - so far - not a cent.”

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A man walks into a bar and sees his friend sitting beside a 12-inch pianist. He says to his friend, "That's amazing. How did you get that?"
The man pulls out a bottle and tells him to rub it and make a wish. He rubs the bottle, and a рuff of smoke pops out and tells him that he can have one wish. So the man thinks and says,
"I wish I had a million bucks."
The genie says,
"OK, go outside, and your wish will be granted."
The man goes outside, but all he finds are ducks filling the sky and roads. He goes back in and tells his friend what happend, and his friend replies,
"I know. Did you really think I wanted a 12-inch pianist?"

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You look like I need another drink.

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An English man, an American and an Arab were sitting in a bar talking about their families.
The Englishman said,”I have 10 sons at home and if I had 1 more I”d have a football team.
“The American said,”I have 15 kids at home and if I had another I”d have an american football team.
“The Arab said,” I have 17 wives at home. If I had one more I would have a golf course!”

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An antartian walks into a bar down south around Christmastime; and there’s a little nativity scene on the bar. And the guy says, “That’s a nice nativity scene. But how come the three wise men are wearing firemen’s hats?” And the bartender says, “Well, it says right there in the Bible…. The three wise men came from a fire.”

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A guy walks into a bar. He says to the bartender "I'd like a Whiskey Sour." The bartender replies "How do you make that?" The guy says "You put in whiskey to make it strong, water to make it weak, lemon to make it sour and sugar to make it sweat. You mix it all together and you say 'Here's to you' and then you drink it yourself." The bartender says "That's not a drink! That's a contradiction!"

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