Walks into a Bar, Bar jokes, Bartender jokes

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A man dressed in an expensive suit walks into a bar with a briefcase under one arm and an alligator under another. He puts both down on the barstools next to him and sits down and asks the bartender, “Hey, do you serve lawyers here?” …
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The bartender says, “Yes, sir, we sure do, what’ll ya have?”
The man replies. “Get me a вееr. The alligator will have a lawyer.”

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Sign outside the pub: Come in and meet your future ex-wife!

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Hi I need your help. I’m really allergic to your clothes, please can you take them off.

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A guy walks into a bar, sits at the counter and said "Drinks, everybody on me, even you bar tender" on my tab. Every one got a drink and thanked the man. After a while he man said "Drinks, everybody on me, even you bar tender. Put it on my tab." Everybody got their drinks and thanked the man. The bar tender pulled the man to the side and asked him "You know this is going to be a lot of money, can you pay for this? The man said "No". The bar tender took the man in the back, beat him up, and threw him out the back door. The man brushed himself off, and went back into the bar. He sat down and said "Drinks, everybody, on me. Except for you bartender, you don't know how to act when you get drunk

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A man was at the bar and asked for a shot and so the bartender gave him the drink the man drank it then looked in his pocket. Then the man asked for another so the bartender again gave it to him then after he took the drink the man looked in his pocket. The man asked for another drink and did the same thing. Then the bartender asked the man why he kept looking in his pocket, and the man said there is a picture of my wife in there and when she starts looking good that’s when I will go home.

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I’ve got something special in my sack for you.

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A man walks into a pub, and approaches the bar. He orders a pint and looks down to see a bowl of peanuts on the counter. He decides to eat one, when he picks it up and goes to put it in his mouth the peanut says,
"Hello handsome!"
So he puts the peanut down in astonishment. He decides to try one more time and yet again the peanut talks, "Oh you are gorgeous!"
Well as you can imagine he was really stunned. He then decides to go over to buy some cigarettes from the dispenser. He drops money in the machine and it spits it out and tells him, "Go away ugly!"
This really shocked the man so he goes up to the barman and says,
"Why is it that when I pick up the peanuts from the bar they are really nice to me, yet when I try to get some cigarettes from the machine it tells me I'm ugly?"
"Well," the barman begins, "the peanuts are complimentary and the cigarette machine is out of order!"

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Me: Do you here what scientists are saying?
Her: No what.
Me: That there are only going to be 7 planets after I destroy Uranus.

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Two scientists walk into a bar, and decide to have a drinking contest.
The first walks up to the barmaid and says, “I’ll have a glass of H2O, please.”
The second scientist says, “I’ll have a glass of H2O, too.”
Needless to say, the first scientist won.

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A man in a bar is enjoying his drink when he hears a voice say, "You look great!" He looks around, but there is nobody near him. He hears the voice again, "No, really, you look just terrific!" Again he looks around. Nobody.
A few minutes pass, and again he hears the voice, "Is that a new shirt or something? Because you look absolutely stunning!" At this point the man realizes that the voice is coming from a dish of nuts on the bar.
"Hey," the man calls to the bartender. "What's with these nuts?"
"Oh," the bartender answers, "they're complimentary."

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Hi, I wish I was toilet paper so I could touch your аss.

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Bartender: Who Are You? I’ve never seen you before…
Man: Yeah! I just lost my job and came here for a drink
Bartender: What kind of Job?
Man: Well. I am a Consultant.
Bartender: What’s that?
Man: It’s a logical thinker.
Bartender: Logical Think, what?
Man: Let me explain it with an Example. Do you have a dog?
Bartender: Yes!
Man: That means you love animals
Bartender: True!
Man: That mean you love your kids too. Bartender: Yes True!
Man: You have Kids, that means you are Married. Bartender: Very True!
Man: You love your Kids. You are still married, means you have a beautiful Wife.
Bartender: Amazing man! How do you know all these?
Man: That’s logical thinking now you are married to a lady, so you are not Gаy!
Bartender: Impressive!
Man: Time to leave. Bye!
(About 20 minute later the Bartender’s Boss Comes)
Bartender: Boss, you know I met a Consultant today.
Boss: Consultant!! What’s that??
Bartender: A logical thinker.
Boss: Logical what??
Bartender: I’ll explain it with an Example
Boss: Okay!
Bartender: Do you have a DOG?
Boss: No!
Bartender: That means you are Gаy!

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Man: Hi, I bet i can guess your age by feeling your воовs!!
Woman: Really?? Go on then.
Man: *FEEL ВООВS FOR 30 SECONDS* My guess is that you were born yesterday.

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An Irishman had just walked into a bar when he tripped over and fell.
He got up and said,
"Guess I can call it a day."

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A man walks into a bar brandishing a gun … “Which one of you ваsтаrds fuскеd my wife?!” …
A guy, standing at the bar, calmly takes a sip of his whiskey, turns to the gunman, waves his hand around the bar and says, “YOU DON’T HAVE THAT MANY BULLETS!”

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Joe and Mark, two small-town merchants were visiting New York City for the first time to attend a conference. There was a large party thrown, with lots of food and refreshments. At the end of the party, they both went outside.
Joe crossed the street, while Mark wandered into a subway entrance. When Joe came back, he noticed Mark emerging from the subway stairs.
"Where did you go?" Joe asked enthusiastically.
"I don't know," gushed Mark, "but you should see the train set that guy has in his basement!"

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A drunк stumbles up to a woman in a bar and says “Hey baby, how about coming back to my place for a nightcap?
“That’ll be the day!” she says.
- ”Well, howzabout having dinner with me tomorrow night then?”
“That’ll be the day!” she says
“Okay, why don’t we take my corporate jet and spend the weekend in Rome?”
“This’ll be the day.” She says

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A man walks into a bar and orders 3 beers.
The bartender asks him why he gets three beers the man told the bartender well one is for me and the other two, for my brothers who live in Texas.
The man does this for about a week and one day the man walks in and orders two beers instead of three. The bartender asks him why just two the man said well my wife told me I had to quit drinking but she didn't say anything about my brothers to stop.

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