Walks into a Bar, Bar jokes, Bartender jokes

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Hi I’m gаy, can I touch your воовs?

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Nice Milksacks… You’re plastic surgeon should be given an award.

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I’ve got a tip for you or if you like I can put the whole thing in.

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Three days finish up a hard day of work and walk into a bar. They do the same the next day. And the day after that. On the fourth day, they duck.

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Phil had just joined a club after his friend had recommended it (being a member for quite some time). They were sitting at the bar having their beers when someone yelled "21" and there was a small uproar of laughter. A few minutes later someone else yelled "34" and another roar of laughter rose up. Phil, confused about this asked his friend "Why is everyone laughing at the numbers being called out" His friend said, well we've been telling the same jokes for so many years that we just numbered them all and if you want to tell a joke you just call out a number" Phil nodded and said "Can I try?" His friend nodded and Phil called out "121" and everyone in the club roared with laughter and it didn't die down for at least another 15 minutes after. "Why did everyone laugh so hard at that joke?" Phil asked. His friend said with a small chuckle "We haven't heard that one before."

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Hi my name is Jay but people call me J for short.

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I've been having problems with annoying phone calls lately...
The most common one seems to be the nightly, "You said you'd be home from the bar 2 hours ago!" call.

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A man weaving up to a local bar orders a whiskey. The bartender Joe, noticing the condition of Tony, says,
"I can't serve you Tony, you have had too much to drink."
Tony walks around the block and comes in the side door and orders a whiskey. Joe again says,
"You have had too much already. I can't serve you."
Tony walks the block again and comes in the back door and orders a whiskey and before Joe has a chance to refuse him the drink, Tony says,
"Hey Joe! How many places do you work at?"

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This chat-up line is to be used when you’re sitting on the bus and you see a woman standing because it’s full.
Man: Hi
Woman: Hi
Man: I would offer you my seat but I’ve got a massive воnеr right now.

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Man:
“After seeing you tonight I don’t need to drink anymore!”
Woman:
“Why?”
Man:
“Because your beauty intoxicates me!”

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I have a really small wiener. At least that’s what the priest told me.

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In a darkets night, a policeman watches a staggering man trying in vain to unlock a door.
"Is this your home, after all?" the policeman asks.
"Sure, I'll prove it to you if you help me."
Inside, the man explains, "You see, this is my bedroom. And this is my wife."
"And who is the man next to her?" the policemand wants to know.
"That's me!"

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Drunkard #1: I will become the chief prime minister tomorrow!
Drunkard #2: That's impossible... I haven't resigned yet.

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The first thing I look for in a woman is intelligence which is why I decided to approach you because it seems like you don’t have any.

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I was talking to this girl in the pub the other night and she said, “You lads are funny giving your diскs silly little names.”
I replied “Not me love, I’ve only got one name for mine. Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.”
She said, “Thats a mouthful.”
“Exactly.”

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What political party do you support because in 9 months time you’ll be in labour

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Friend: Dude! You were so drunк last night!
Man: No I wasn't.
Friend: Oh really, you put my dog in a pillowcase and said "It's a pillow, It's a pet, it's a pillow pet!"
Man: It was a pet in a pillowcase!
Friend: It was a trash can.
Man: ...

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This guy was drinking at the bar counter. Every time he took a drink he would pull something from his pocket and look at it. Eventually the curiosity of the bartender got the better of him and he asked the guy what he is looking at. He replied: I’ve got a picture of my wife in my pocket and when she begins to look good I know I have had enough.

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