Walks into a Bar, Bar jokes, Bartender jokes

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Guy going home from the pub is stopped at a police checkpoint. A bobby comes over and tells the driver to roll down his window. When he does, the copper is almost knocked over with the smell of alcohol. So he asks:
"Have you been drinking, suuur?" (as English cops are wont to say). "Yes", replies the driver. "What did you have exactly, suuuur"? "Well, about seven or eight pints of Guinness, a couple of whiskies, and then one or two night caps in the form of double brandies". The copper pulls out his breathalyzer and says,
"Would you mind blowing into this, suuur"
? To which the drunк dude retorts:
"What for? Do you not believe me?"

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The other day i was in the pub when the waitress approaches me to take my order,
I noticed she had two black eyes
She asks 'what would you like to order?'
I replied with what i wanted to eat, making sure to speak very clearly and loudly because it was obvious she wasn't a great listener!

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An amnesiac walks into a bar. He goes up to a beautiful blonde and says, “So, do I come here often?”

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What is the difference between a good вееr and a woman:
1. A good вееr never goes flat.
2. A good вееr never commits when between your legs.
3. A good вееr never complains when you’ve had better.
4. A good вееr doesn’t try to кill you when you tell it its too big.
5. You never have to impress a good вееr, it loves you no matter what.

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Hi ваве fancy coming over to my place? I’ve got a load of condoms that are approaching their ‘best before’ date and I need to use them up.

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You remind me of Mondays… Nobody likes you and you make me feel tired.

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While traveling north to downtown I noticed police were stopping cars going south for sobriety checks.
At the end of the night, after one too many drinks, I headed home going south and took the bus which the police waved right through.
The next morning my neighbor called me and asked,
"What is that BUS doing in your driveway?"

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I don’t suppose i could sit here for a while (point to seat next to her)? I’m just recovering from an operation at the moment. I had a реnis reduction, its now only 12 inches long.

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Me: Can I have your number?
Girl: No go away!!
Me: Why are you so angry? Is it because of your haircut?

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Nice тiтs!! What color are your niррlеs? Brown or Pink?

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The local priest came across Раddy who had stumbled out of the town tavern.
"Раddy," he said,
" I'm afraid I'll not be seeing you in Heaven one day."
"Really, Father?" slurred Раddy. "What have you done?"

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Person 1: I’m really lucky that I have my library card with me tonight.
Person 2: Why?
Person 1: Because I am totally checking you out!!

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I just put 4 stella on the counter and asked for 20 fаgs.
I asked, “Can I pay with my card?”
She said, “Sure, what card have you got?”
I said, “The 2 of clubs.”

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Tea is more dangerous than вееr. Please avoid drinking tea.
I discovered this last night, I had 14 beers till 3am at the pub while my wife was just drinking tea at home.
You should have seen how violent and angry she was when I got home. I was peaceful, silent and headed to bed as she shouted at me, all night and even into the next morning.
Please ladies, if you can’t handle your tea, don’t drink it.

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A man walks into a bar with a Newt on his shoulder.
Barman: What's that ?
Man: It's a Newt.
Barman: What do you call him ?
Man: Tiny.
Barman: Why
Man: Because he's my newt.

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Chicken and egg walk into a bar, barman says “Right, who’s first?”

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A small piece of rope climbed onto a barstool. The bartender said he did not serve rope in his bar, and tossed it out to the street. The rope asked a passerby to tie him into a knot, and then ruffle both ends. The rope went back into the bar, the bartender looked down at him and said, "Hey aren’t you that same piece of rope I just tossed out?" the rope responded: no sir “I am a frayed knot.”

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Two drunк friends called a private taxi. The taxi arrived and saw how drunк and noisy they were. The driver realized the trip would be difficult given their condition. He told them to get in and pretended to drive the stationed vehicle.
A few minutes later he told them they had arrived at their destination. The passengers got out and shouted at him saying, "Was it necessary to drive so fast?"

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