Animal Jokes

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God looks down and notices that Adam is all alone while all the animals have companions, so he decides to create a companion for man as well.
He comes to see Adam and says to him, "Adam, you are my greatest creation and therefore, I am going to create for you the ultimate companion. She will long for you and no other, she will be highly intelligent, she will wait on you hand and foot and obey your every command. She will be beautiful and all it will cost you is an arm and a leg."
Thinking for a few moments, Adam replies,
"What can I get for a rib?"

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Some people think we are making great strides in the dissemination of information. They claim the newspaper is useless with news that is at least a day old when we get it.
So, my wife asked me for the newspaper ..
I said, “How backward are you?… The world has progressed so much and you are asking for a newspaper? Here, have my iPad ….
Wife kills the cockroach with the iPad….
I’m eating my words as I take the iPad in for repair….

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I ran into my neighbor walking his 2 pit bulls. He told me he was going to the maul.
I hope I heard that correctly.

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A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture.

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My poor kitty bumped her head last night and I think I have to take her to the vet to get a CAT scan, or maybe even a PET scan. She's been showing signs of psychosis. She killed a bird and said,
"The dog made me do it!"

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Question: What do you call a dog with no front or back legs?
Answer: He's not going to come -- why waste your time?

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Two dogs wearing their finest collars entered a bar.
After ordering they noticed that all the other dogs in the bar were not wearing collars.
That's when they realized they were in a STRAY BAR.

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I was bearing down on the keeper with the ball at my feet, he came out shouting and waving his arms, evidently trying to put me off. He was unsuccessful, I rounded him and unleashed a ferocious shot..
And completely smashed his beehive to bits.

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A mother mouse and her three children crept out of their hole into the kitchen and began feasting on some delicious bits of food. Suddenly, out of the corner of her eye, Mother Mouse saw a cat slinking toward them. The cat was between the mice and their hole. The mother muse puffed up her lungs and went, “Woof! Woof!” The cat turned tail and ran. With that, the mother quickly led her children back to safety in their hole. When they were settle and breathing normally, Mother Mouse said to her children. “Now, what’s the lesson from that experience?”
“We don’t know,” the baby mice squeaked. “It is this,” said Mother Mouse. “It’s always good to know a second language.”

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A man stands at the bar boasting that he has a dog that is the greatest fighter of all and will beat any dog in a fight and to prove this offers a prize of a $1,000 if his dog can be beaten.
An old man sitting near by says my Terrier will beat your dog no problem!
So the man immediately sets up a fight between the two dogs.
In the ring the two dogs are thrown in and the man's dog growls and starts to bite the other dog with its massive teeth for the terrier to flick itself around and snap the neck of the dog and then devour it whole!
True to his word the man counts out the grand and hands it over saying “just what type of Terrier is that?”
The old man puts the money in his pocket and replies “a long tailed short haired snub nose Terrier or Alligator for short.”

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Ever seen an Asian veterinarian? Not going to happen. They'll eat all their patients.

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My driving instructor told me, NEVER brake if there’s an animal in the road.
You should have seen the look on the copper’s face as I knocked him off his horse.

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Thank goodness! Testimony from your parrot is not admissible in court.

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A man was driving down a country road and he was passed by what seemed to be a chicken that had three legs. The man sped up and followed the chicken, who turned down a long driveway leading to an old farm house. The man pulled up next to the house and out came a farmer, his wife, and their son.
The man said,
"Did you see that, a three legged chicken!"
The farmer replied, "Oh yes, we once had a three legged chicken hatch so we bred it because all of us like to have a chicken leg at dinner and this solves the problem."
The man scratched his head and asked,
"So how does it taste?"
The farmer replied, "Don't know, we ain't caught one yet."

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I went into my local wireless store looking for a solution to a problem.
"I have a horse that I can't seem to get going when I mount him," I told the customer service representative. "Nellie won't listen to my commands, and when she does start moving, it's just a slow, lazy trot."
"I have just what you need for your phone," the rep replied.
"And what would that be?"
"The latest version of the "Giddy-App!"

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A worried patient went to his psychiatrist. “I’m in love with my horse,” he said .
“But that’s nothing,” replied the shrink. “A lot of people love animals. For instance, my wife and I have a dog that we love very much.”
“Ah, but doctor,” the patient replied. “It’s a sexual attraction that I feel toward my horse.”
“Ahhh!” exclaimed the doc. “What kind of a horse is it? Male or female?”
“Female, of course,” said the dude. “What do you think I am, a faggot??!”

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If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.
Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat, and eat, and eat. I could deal with that too.
If you're a bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you are sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.
If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.
If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fат.
Yup...... I want to be a bear!

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Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?
Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a Dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the 'Chrysler Eagle' the 'Chrysler Beagle'?
Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?
Dear God: We Dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

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