Animal Jokes

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“Mommy,” said the baby polar bear, “am I one hundred percent pure polar bear?”
“Of course you are, son,” said his Daddy, “Why do you ask?”
“’Cause I’m f-f-f-freezing!”

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If you told a соw a really funny joke, could she laugh so hard milk would come out her nose?

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I was rallying to protest against fox hunting when one of the so called hunters came to me and said "don't knock hunting, until you've tried it dear boy." then smugly walked off.
So, next day i did,
.. his head is now on my wall.

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Just had the following conversation in a job interview.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: Well, I’ve always been really passionate about not starving to death.

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I was at the pet store this morning and they had a bin labeled “Bulk Bird Seed.” …. …
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It didn’t occur to me at the time to see if they had bird seed in those little packets the way they have flowers and tomatoes and peas and carrots. …
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Just thinking: If they have bird seed packets, I can grow my own bird garden!!!

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Why did the pig give his girlfriend a box of candy? It was Valenswine's Day.

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I don't buy fат free milk because I don't want to contribute to cows having body issues.

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A соw and a pig are watching TV.
Pig: Wanna watch something scary?
Cow: Okay by me.
So the pig changes channel to the Food Network.

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I telephoned the veterinarian's office to ask when I should take my three month old kitten in to be vaccinated for rabies. After a few initial questions, the woman who answered the telephone asked,
"What is the kitten's name?"
"Demon," I replied.
"Demon? That's an odd name," she said.
"Maybe, but it's appropriate anyway."
I heard clicking of a computer keyboard, then she said,
"Our records show that you have cats named Gato [which is Spanish for 'male cat'], Scamp, Stinky, and now you named one Demon. Is that right?"
"Yes, it is."
"You really don't like cats, do you?"

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How do you make a monkey cry? Tell him Tarzan swings both ways.

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Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.

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After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer:
“All 40 accounted for.”
“But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer.
“I know,” says the sheepdog. “But I rounded them up.”

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It was cold and pouring with rain but the boy’s mother insisted he go and feed the animals on their freeholding before he could have breakfast. The boy went out in a dark rage, kicked the chickens, punched the соw and threw water all over the pigs. When he got back inside his mother was furious. “How dare you!” she fumed. “For that you get no eggs because you kicked the chickens, no milk because you thumped the соw and no bacon because of the way you treated the pigs.” Just then, dad came down the stairs and nearly tripping over the cat, he gave the animal a mighty kick. The boy turned to his mother and said, “Are you going to tell him or shall I

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One day a duck went into a hardware store and asked the owner for some duck food. The owner looked at him funny, and said, This is a hardware store and we don’t carry duck food." The next day the duck came back to the hardware store an again asked the owner for some duck food. The owner, disturbed that the duck came back, said, I told you yesterday. This is a hardware store; we do not have any duck food! If you come back and ask for duck food again I will cement your feet in the ground!" So the next say the duck came back again and said, Do you have any cement?"
"No, said the storeowner. Then, the duck said, Do you have any duck food?"

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According to a recent study, 33% of married women say their pet is a better listener than their husbands. And according to the same study, 67% of pets say “Why won’t this crazy woman shut the hеll up?”

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Just been rejected by my bank for a loan. Apparently they only give money to people who already have lots of money.

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There was a zoo that had one animal in it, that animal was a dog, it was a shitzu.

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A preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the church yard. He called the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the preacher to the health department. They said since there was no health threat that he should call the sanitation department. The sanitation manager said he could not pick up the mule without authorization from the mayor.
Now the preacher knew the mayor and was not too eager to call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the preacher called him anyway. The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately began to rant and rave at the pastor and finally said,
"Why did you call me anyway? Isn't it your job to bury the dead?"
The preacher paused and then replied, "Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first!"

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