Animal Jokes

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There is this man who has a duck for his best friend and pet.
This man takes his duck everywhere he goes.
The best thing they like to do together is see western movies, they just love them.
While walking down the street one day they came across a movie theater that is playing their all time favorite western, so the man decides to go inside and watch the movie, but the woman selling the tickets says “I’m sorry but there are no ducks allowed in the theater”.
The man was outraged and really wanted to see the movie, so he went around the corner and shoved the duck down his pants then goes into the theater to see the movie.
Once in, he gets to his seat and pulls down his Zipper so the duck can watch the movie with him.
Along come two girls who sit beside him.
A short time later the first girl says to the second girl “This man’s Zipper is down”
The second girl replies “So what, you’ve seen one you’ve seen them all”.
First Girl “Yeah but this one has eaten my popcorn!”
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An Amish lady was driving her horse drawn buggy to town with her young son when she was stopped by a highway patrol officer.
“I’m not going to cite you,” said the officer, “I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous.”
“I thank thee,” said the Amish lady, “I shall have my husband repair it as soon as we return home.”
“Also,” said the officer, “I noticed that one of the reins to your horse is tied around your horse’s testicles. Some might consider this to be ‘cruelty to animals’ so you’d best have your husband check this, too.”
“Again I thank thee,” said the Amish lady, “I shall have my husband check this also when I return home.”
True to her word, when the Amish lady got home she told her husband about the broken reflector and her husband said that he would repair it immediately. “Also,” said the Amish lady, “the policeman said that there was something wrong with our emergency brake.”
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There was a terrible automobile accident. A family of four was killed and their pet chimpanzee was the only survivor.
The investigators were trying to figure out what happened when one of them had an idea. "I understand chimps are very intelligent. Some of them can use sign language. Let's try it. What was the mother doing?" he asked.
The chimp put up one hand for a mirror and with the other pretended to put on lipstick. "She was putting on lipstick!" he exclaimed.
Pleased that they were communicating, he continued the questioning. "What were the kids doing?" The chimp put up his fists and punched the air. "They were fighting!" The chimp nodded.
"What was the father doing?" The chimp tipped back his head and raised his hand as if drinking from a bottle. "Drinking! The father was drinking!"
"And what were you doing?" he asked the chimp. With intense concentration the chimp peered straight ahead and grabbed the imaginary steering wheel.
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