A baby turtle was standing at the bottom of a large tree and with a deep sigh, started to climb. About an hour later, he reached a very high branch and walked along to the end. He turned and spread all four flippers and launched himself off the branch. On landing at the bottom in a pile of soft, dead leaves, he shook himself off, walked back to the bottom of the tree and with a sigh started to climb.
About an hour later, he again reached the very high branch, walked along, turned, spread his flippers and flung himself off the branch. Again, he landed on the bottom, shook himself off, went to the bottom of the tree, sighed and started climbing.
Watching these proceedings from the end of the branch were two birds. The Momma bird turned to Daddy bird and said,
"Don't you think it's time we told him he was adopted?"
Two veterinarians are walking through the woods. The first vet states that he is the best vet in the world, and the second vet disagrees. The argument goes on for about 5 minutes when they stop at an old oak tree with an owl sitting on a branch.
The first vet says, “To prove how skilled I am, I bet I can perform a tonsillectomy on that owl without waking it up.”
The second doctor takes on his bet, thinking he is full of it, but astonishingly, the first vet performs a flawless surgery without the owl waking up.
Obviously the second vet needs to show him up and he exclaims, “I bet I can neuter it without it waking up!”
The first vet insists that it is impossible, but the second vet gives it hеll anyway. Against all odds, the second vet performs the surgery just as well as the first vet. They settle their feud and both agree that they are the best veterinarians in the world.
A few days later two owls are flying over the same old oak tree and the first owl says, “Hey that looks like a great place to land for the night, whaddya think?”
The second owl says, “Неll no! Last time I landed there, I woke up and I couldn’t hoot worth a fсuк, or fсuк worth a hoot!”
A man went to a pet shop looking to buy a parrot. The shop had several parrots but one was priced much lower than the others. When the man asked why one was so much cheaper than the others, the pet shop owner assured the man that he did not want the cheaper one because it had a very foul mouth.
"I've tried everything, but I can't get him to stop cussing", he explained.
Eager to save some money, the man bought the parrot, sure he could teach the bird not to cuss. He too tried everything to stop the parrot's foul mouth.
Finally, in frustration, he put the bird in the freezer to cool off. After a few minutes, he opened the freezer to find the parrot with a totally changed attitude.
"Please, I'll NEVER cuss again! Please let me out! By the way, what did the chicken do?"