A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, “I’m so sorry, your pet has passed away.”
The distressed owner wailed, “Are you sure?”
“Yes, I’m sure. The duck is dead” he replied.
“How can you be so sure?” she protested, “I mean you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.
He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.
As the owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat.
The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its beak to its tail and back again.
The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.”
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill.
“£300!” she cried. “£300 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!”
The vet shrugged. “I’m sorry. If you’d taken my word for it, the bill would have been £40.”
“But with the Lab report and the Cat scan, It all adds up.”
A woman owned a parrot that could say only one thing - “Who is it?” For years and years she had been trying to teach it to extend its vocabulary, but it resolutely refused to utter anything other than “Who is it?”
One day she had sent for the plumber, and as she had to go out shopping she arranged for him to find the key under the mat outside the front door. The plumber duly arrived, found the key, let himself in and set to work. Naturally the parrot, hearing someone in the house with an unfamiliar tread, decided to give a recital. “Who is it?” called the parrot. The plumber!” called the workman. Hearing a strange voice the parrot again decided to utter his one and only phrase. “Who is it?”
“The plumber!” came the response.
The parrot was not satisfied - he wanted to see who the stranger was. “Who is it? He called again, and again the plumber yelled out “It’s the plumber!” Again and again the bird called out “Who is it?” and again and again the poor bewildered plumber responded - “It’s the plumber! It’s the plumber! IT”S THE PLUMBER!” Eventually in a fury he roamed the house, going from room to room, trying to find out who was calling him - but he failed to realize that it was the parrot. This went on for a while, with him dashing around the house, growing increasingly desperate, and shouting out “It’s the plumber!” until eventually the wretched man fainted clean away in the hall!
Just at that moment the mistress of the house entered, saw the unconscious figure on the carper and said, “Oh! Who is it?”
The parrot replied, “It’s the plumber!”
A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck.
Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.
After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.
After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.
But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was Nancy Pelosi .
That evening, the man brought Nancy to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the man started to get ‘those feelings’ again..
He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nancy and told her he hadn’t had sеx for months. Nancy batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.
He said, ‘Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?’