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Вицове за Животни English Tier-Witze, Tierwitze, Tier Wi... Chistes de animales про животных Blagues sur les animaux Barzellette Animali Ανέκδοτα με ζώα животни Hayvan Fıkraları, Hayvanlar Al... Анекдоти про Тварин, Анекдоти ... Piadas de Animais Dowcipy i kawały: Zwierzęta Djurvitsar, Djur-Skämt, Djur s... Dieren moppen, Dierenmop, Dier... Vitser om dyr Dyrevitser, Vitser om dyr Eläinvitsit Állatos viccek Bancuri Animale Anekdoty a vtipy o zvířátkách ... Anekdotai apie gyvūnus Anekdotes par dzīvniekiem Vicevi o životinjama
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Animal Jokes

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A woman took her dog to the parlor for a haircut and asked what it would cost. Being told that it would cost her $50, she was outraged.
"I only pay 30 bucks for my own haircut!" she said.
The groomer replied, "That may be true. But then you don't bite, do you?"
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A few animals are in a restaurant. The waiter comes over at the end of the night with the check.
The skunk says,
"Don't look at me, I haven't got a scent."
The duck says,
"Just put it on my bill!"
The соw says,
"You'll have to ask one of the udders."
The elephant blurts out, "It's on me, I have enough money in the trunk!"
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A man tried to sell his neighbor a new dog. “This is a talking dog,” he said. “And you can have him for five dollars.” The neighbor said, “Who do you think you’re kidding with this talking dog stuff? There ain’t no such animal.” Suddenly the dog looked up with tears in his eyes. “Please buy me, Sir,” he pleaded. “This man is cruel. He never buys me a meal, never bathes me,never takes me for a walk. And I used to be the richest trick dog in America. I performed before kings. I was in the army and was decorated ten times.”
“Hey!” said the neighbor. “He can talk. Why do you want to sell him for just five dollars?”
“Because,” said the seller, “I’m getting tired of all his lies.”
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A guy walking down a street one afternoon passes an old man sitting on the side of the road with a large sack.
The younger guy says to the old man, "Watcha got in the sack?"
The old man responds, "I got some monkeys in that there sack."
The younger man asks, "If I guess how many monkeys you got in the sack, can I keep one?"
The old man replies,
"Son, if you guess how many monkeys I got in this sack, I'll give you both of 'em!"
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An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up…
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, ‘Things are great and I’ve never felt better.’
I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.
“So what do you think about that Doc?”
The doctor considered his question for a minute and  then began to tell a story.
“I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.”
One day he was setting off to go hunting.
In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.”
“As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male веаvеr sitting at the water’s edge..
He realized he’d left his gun at home and so he couldn’t shoot the magnificent creature.
Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went ‘ваng, ваng’.”
“Miraculously, two shots rang out and the веаvеr fell over dead.
Now, what do you think of that?” asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said, “Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that веаvеr.”
The doctor replied, “My point exactly.”
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Some people say putting helium in animals is wrong, I say whatever floats your goat.
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How does a firefly feel when it loses its glow?
De-lighted!
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* Cats rule. Dogs drool.
* Cats use a litter box. Dogs use your leg.
* Cats will wait until you've read your morning paper before tearing it to shreds.
* Cats look cute sleeping on the TV. Dogs crash right in front of the screen.
* Why do you think they call it "Dog Breath?"
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Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
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Why do elephants have 4 feet?
Because they'd look silly with 6 inches.
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A dog вrееdеr bred a bulldog and shitzo. He called it a вullshiт.
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Viаgrа has come out with an animal feed called Viagriculture for use in the barnyard.
It makes the roosters feel cocky and the hens lay better.
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While at the dinosaur exhibit in Disney’s Animal Kingdom park, I overheard a confused woman complaining to her friend.
She said,
"How could they possibly know the names of all those dinosaurs if they died 75 million years ago? And another thing, how do we even know they were called dinosaurs?"
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Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves. The wolves chased the rabbits into a thicket.
After a few minutes, one rabbit turned to the other and said, “Well, do you want to make a run for it or stay here a few days and outnumber them?”
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"When I walk into a room, I expect your undivided attention. Don't look over here or over there, look at me. If you say something to me, I just may want to ignore you. That's my prerogative. In addition, when I utter so much as a sound, you are to smile, nod approvingly, and praise me."
Sounds like your boss, right?
Well, you're half right. I'm also your cat!
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A recent survey has said that 29% of owners sleep with their pets on the bed. I tried it once, fuскing goldfish died…
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If a dog sniffs your аss, you're probably a вiтсh.
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If a parrot is able to recite the Lords Prayer does that make it a bird of prey?
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