Animal Jokes

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Man in the circus in the Lions cage, says to the audience “i can make this Lion suск my соск”. The Lions growling, the man takes out his соск then hits the lion over the head with a stick, the Lion stops growling opens his mouth and starts suскing the mans соск! The man then turns to the audience and arrogantly says “would anyone else like to try this”? An old woman puts her hand up and says “Yes me, but dont hit me with that stick”,

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There was this tiger that woke up one morning and just felt great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger). Anyway, he felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him, "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" And the poor quaking little monkey replied, "You are of course, no one is mightier than you."
A little while later the tiger confronted a deer, and bellowed out, "WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" The deer shook so hard it could barely speak, but managed to stammer, "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle."
The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered up to an elephant who was quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice:
"Who is the mightiest of all the animals in the jungle?"
Well, the elephant grabbed the tiger with his trunk, picked him up, slammed him down; picked him up again, and shook him until the tiger was just a blur of orange and black and finally threw him violently into a nearby tree. The tiger staggered to his feet and looked at the elephant and said,
"Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so mad."

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I tried to teach my dog to dance today.
It was useless.
He’s got two left feet.

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As we approached our new house the dog stiffened and began to whimper.
“What’s wrong with Toby daddy?” My daughter asked.
“It’s an animal sixth sense,” I explained. “They can detect the presence of evil.”
“Is the house haunted?” She shivered.
“No,” I replied, before turning to my wife. “Love! I think your mother’s here already.”

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I never talk to our cat, and our cat certainly never talks to me. So I don't know why my wife is compelled to put the cat on the phone when I call home, but I love my wife, so I will talk to the cat.

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One day a man is walking down the street when he sees an old man with a nice looking dog. He goes over to the man and asks, "Does your dog bite?" the old man replies "No never". When the man bends down to sтrоке the dog, it immediately takes a snap at his hand. The man says,
"I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!", "I did" replies the old man, "But this isn't my dog!'.

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Did you hear about the 3 zoo employees who were injured recently? They got attacked by a chimpanzee that set fire to it’s own feces using a discarded cigarette. Apparently they were rushed to the hospital with ТURD degree burns.

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If you think about the animals we do eat, we only eat the dumb ones. Our three main meats are what? Cows, fish, chickens -- all animals, I'm pretty sure, if they could talk, you could trick them into killing themselves.

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I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

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How bored were moths before the light bulb was invented?

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The city boy goes to countryside to visit his uncle. After the sun goes down, the boy hears strange, another-world howling. He gets frightened and runs to his uncle. "Uncle, uncle, there are werewolves!"
"That's ruввish, boy, ain't no such thing".
"'Then, there must be man-eating wolves".
"No, we haven't got those buddies, either."
"What is this sound, then?" the boy asks.
"They are coyotes".
"Coyotes? What are those?"
"They look a lot like dogs. In fact, ya can consider them a kind of dog."
The boy wants to find out more:
"Why are they making that frightening noise?"
"See, nephew, we ain't got many trees around here. We got cactuses!"

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Thou shalt not jump onto the keyboard when thy human is on the modem.
Thou shalt not pull the phone cord out of the back of the modem.
Thou shalt not unroll all of the toilet paper off the roll.
Thou shalt not sit in front of the television or monitor as thou are transparent.
Thou shalt not projectile vомiт from the top of the refrigerator.
Thou shalt not walk in on a dinner party and commence licking thy вuтт.
Thou shalt not lie down with thy вuтт in thy human's face.
Thou shalt not leap from great heights onto thy human's genital region.
Fast as thou are, thou cannot run through closed doors.
Thou shalt not reset thy human's alarm clock by walking on it.
Thou shalt not climb on the garbage can with the hinged lid, as thou wilt fall in and trap thyself.
Thou shalt not jump onto the toilet seat just as thy human is sitting down.
Thou shalt not jump onto thy sleeping human's bladder at 4 a. M.
Thou shalt realize that the house is not a prison from which to escape at any opportunity.
Thou shalt not trip thy humans even if they are walking too slow.
Thou shalt not push open the bathroom door when there are guests in thy house.
Thou shalt remember that thou are a carnivore and that houseplants are not meat.
Thou shalt show remorse when being scolded.

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A happily married man had only one complaint, his wife was always nursing sick birds. One cold evening, he came home to find a raven with a splint on its beak sitting in his favorite chair.
On the dining room table there was a feverish eagle pecking at an aspirin while in the kitchen his wife was comforting a shivering little wren that she found.
The furious spouse strode over to where his wife was toweling down the cold little bird.
"I can't take it any more! We've got to get rid of all of these dаrn..."
The wife held up her hand to cut him off in mid-curse. "Please dear," she said,
"Not in front of the chilled wren."

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My girlfriend wanted me to buy her a Siamese cat.
My mate told me that they are really expensive, So I’ve bought 2 normal cats and glued their heads together.

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What did Matthew McConaughey say to the owl poachers? Owl rights, owl rights, owl rights.

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Do birds really “sing” or are they actually releasing tiny screams because they’re scared of heights?

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I have trouble sleeping, and I blame my diet. I've been buying a lot of those deep-friend pork skins. I'm not eating them, though. I'm just trying to reassemble a pig in my apartment.

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“Now, how’s he gonna read that magazine all rolled up like that…?” thought the spider.

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